Top Six Disaster Defying Defenders

One of the great guilty pleasures in Fantasy Football is seeing your defender being on the end of a spanking yet still sneaking away with a good score. It’s a unique thrill, akin to getting a big score off your bench. You’ve made an error but you’ve got away with it. Here is a nostalgic look back at six of the best examples of this guilty pleasure in action. Maybe you owned one of these players at the time. Conversely, perhaps you were a miffed rival watching on in horror as one of these unfolded and benefited others.

Nadir Belhadj v West Ham 2008/2009

This was a season where Cristiano Ronaldo was still hogging armband thoughts, Lampard was his usual force, and with Cesc Fabregas having a quiet one, Gerrard filled the void courtesy of a hugely profitable support-striker role. Savings had to be made elsewhere and Portsmouth’s left-side provided a surprising amount of interest. Belhadj and Traore both came in on loan via Redknapp’s car window to add to an already crowded array of full-back options. This meant both were given 4.0 price tags. Both were often fielded in the same XI, which meant it was out of position (OOP) o’clock for one of them.

In December Portsmouth welcomed West Ham to Fratton Park. By this time Tony Adams was in charge meaning throwing a Portsmouth defender into your team was a bit like throwing a Mento mint into a diet coke. Nevertheless it was a decent home fixture with the prospect of Belhadj playing in midfield. That was the plan anyway. Instead Traore was benched, Belhadj played at left-back and West Ham romped to a 1-4 win. However, the Algerian gloriously moonwalked away with a six-pointer courtesy of a goal early in the game. To make it even sweeter Traore was brought on at the end for an auto-sub-blocking cameo.

Paul Scharner v Tottenham 2009/2010

Paul Scharner was classed as a defender in the Fantasy Premier League (FPL) game but often found himself playing in an attacking midfield role. OOP has obvious appeal but on some occasions it pays to just be a midfielder playing in midfield as defenders lose points for goals against. Wigan were prone to the occasional mauling in the early days of Roberto Martinez’ reign but no one could have predicted what was to happen when they went to White Hart Lane in November. Tottenham put nine past them – nine! (Ironically what Scharner was saying to himself every time Jermaine Defoe rattled the net). Many will probably remember this as the match Defoe got 50 points for some armband visionaries. I, however, will always remember it as the game a defender lost 9-1 and came away with a solid four points. Paul Scharner, I salute you.

Chris Samba v Man Utd 2010/2011

Back in the days when Manchester United were a top-six club, Old Trafford was a no-go zone for opposition defenders. Even with an aerial menace like Samba you know the odds of a defender goal are far slimmer than the odds of Rooney & co ruining your clean sheet. Already up against it with a goalkeeper who is to agility what Jim Davidson is to political correctness, Samba was facing a United side unbeaten in 28 matches. 3-0 after half an hour became 7-0 after 70 minutes. Samba owners were sitting on minus one and reassessing their life-choices. Never fear, though, as in the final ten minutes of the match big Chris had the last laugh with a trademark towering header. Again, some may remember this as the match where Berbatov scored 25 points – I’ll remember it as the game Samba conceded seven and but came away with a healthy five points. What a scamp.

 Younes Kaboul v Man City 2011/2012

Kaboul’s goal threat is a funny one. For spells at Portsmouth and last season at Tottenham he has looked as likely to score as any centre-back in the league. Then he’ll have a season where he fails to register at all. Man City had started this season in ominous form and by the hour mark Sami Nasri and Edin Dzeko had rocketed them into a 4-0 lead. Kaboul, like the rest of the Tottenham defence, were scrapping to stay on zero points. An innocuous corner later and Kaboul had headed in a consolation. The direction of the match wasn’t in danger but it meant Kaboul eventually walked away from the 5-1 loss with six points. In the other Manchester v North London encounter that day, Carl Jenkinson almost put in a performance to trump anything on this list. He conceded eight and got sent off, yet thanks to an assist, flirted with rescuing a positive score. It would have been one of the all-time great FPL scores.

Danny Fox v Arsenal 2012/2013

In many ways, Fox was 2012’s version of Burnley’s set-piece-dominating Kieran Trippier after an attention-alerting eleven assists in Southampton’s promotion season. Southampton had given Man City a great game on the opening day, then only narrowly got Van Persie’d in Gameweek 3. In Gameweek 4 it was another tough fixture but thoughts were that Arsenal were a bit more vulnerable than the previous two heavyweights that Southampton had gone toe-to-toe with. What Fox owners hadn’t banked on, though, was an Ivorian winger called Gervinho being unleashed as a centre-forward by Wenger. The result was inevitable, Gervinho ran them ragged and Fox was on minus one after 40mins. With the contest over so early the Arsenal defence had seemingly switched their attentions to which flavour of Lucozade they would go for at half-time. Just before the whistle Arsenal goalkeeper Szczesny collided with a defender and Fox was left with an empty net to fill. He was in the right place at the right time in the box, like an animal with a sharp nose. The match finished as a 6-1 thrashing but Fox was walking away with a five pointer that the Arsenal defence would have been proud of. Arsenal hadn’t conceded all season whilst Southampton would not keep their first clean sheet until the end of November. It was truly magnificent trolling by Fox.

Per Mertesacker v Man City 2013/2014

One of the defenders thwarted by Fox that day was Arsenal’s Per Mertesacker. What Mertesacker did himself last season, however, may be the greatest of the guilty pleasures. Thanks to an array of clean sheets, bonus points and a couple of attacking inputs Mertesacker’s price had risen above 6mil. This meant benching him was tricky for many. However, Arsenal were going to the Etihad, the stadium Manchester City had scored in 57 successive times including 29 goals in the seven home games that season.  It would take a special blend of Mourinho voodoo and Aguero injury to bring the streak to an end at 61 a couple of months later. Mertesacker would essentially have to score or assist and that’s a lottery at the best of times for centre backs.

Going into stoppage time Mertesacker was sitting on zero points with Man City 5-2 up. Another Man City goal which was looking a distinct possibility would be a horror show, minus points. Those who had no alternative but to play him were set to be worse off than if they only had two defenders. But wait! Big Per scores a 94th minute header. Suddenly zero points becomes six and an unthinkably good score from such a fixture. There was one more thing about the goal, however. It added another 30 seconds to the match, 30 seconds, which allowed Yaya to score a 96th minute penalty after Aguero limped off earlier in the match. Mertesacker’s score was bumped down to a still impressive five. Yaya dominated the post-match thoughts but underneath were Mertesacker’s backers also having the last laugh, somehow!

Not even the Premier League’s biggest thrashings can keep the defender goal down. It may feel like it but hopes are never dead until the final whistle goes.