It’s crunch time in the only FPL tournament anyone cares about, and the beach is already crowded with the contenders who failed to keep up with the pace set by the Florists, Hamsters, Foxes, and some other team that could give a damn. The party started early for FH holders, especially for the Rich managers who steered clear of the title race and went fox-hunting. The SKLW outside broadcast crew covered it all, and in a final push to boost Podcast ratings, Boris rolled out his sentient spreadsheet, while Greyhead resorted to sorcery to spirit up KDB points. If it produces the FPL winner, we’ll never hear the last of it.
THE SEMI-FINAL RESULTS ARE IN …
Shearer’s bunch of Flowers 14-0 Jimmy Floyd Hamsterbaink
The Hamsters were looking to munch on Shearer’s Petunias but suffered a fur-raising experience courtesy of a garland of precision-guided Free Hits. The rodents kept it tight in the H2Hs thanks to A Manager Has No Name (79pts), who understandably wishes to remain anonymous; but it was shear carnage in the Squad Match as Toblerone52’s crew wilted in the face of overwhelming buds. Riot (108pts) kicked things off, and Potatoace chipped in with 96pts, which was matched by Mreidfelt and Ravi Vyas as the Florists put this one to bed. It was a good run, but the top of the podium proved too much of a climb for our furry friends. The future looks rosy for Shearer’s bunch of Flowers, but who will they play in the final?
No Fuchs Given 3-9 Fantastic Mr Fox
There was plenty of action in this match, very little of which was consensual, and there was no happy ending for No Fuchs Given, who were comprehensively outfoxed by a Fantastic Mr Fox team that prioritised bringing in Foxes. The fun started early with Gower (102pts) stirring for a quickie in the H2Hs; but Hisham Ashraf reduced the deficit, and it was mayhem in the Squad Match as the skulks plundered for an unassailable lead thanks to hauls from FPLNormalOne (115pts) and Chap of Steel (103pts). So it’s farewell to No Fuchs Given – we didn’t know you cared, we really didn’t; and congratulations to The Fantastic Mr Fox who now trot into the final for a date with destiny … well Shearer’s bunch of Flowers actually. Well done to both.
YOU’RE ROPEY LEAGUE OF SHAME
Toxic Seaman 3-0 The Nameless Ones
In the event for losers in denial, and to give Greyhead a chance of winning something, it was the Nameless Ones who took one for the tournament by having a close encounter with the pungent Pirates. Alas, somewhatpleasing’s clean sheet in the H2Hs proved to be the only somewhat pleasing outcome for the John Does, and a volley of points from TOMAC (124pts) and Bald Eagle (102pts), saw the Toxics raising the Jolly Roger. cacio-e-pep’s 110-point haul drew sympathetic applause for the Nameless Ones; but it was Toxic Seaman who got the clap.
Ayew Lonesome Tonight 0-3 Carroll’s Christmas Island
With the prospect of a bauble, Carroll’s Christmas Island perked up for their visit to the Lonesomes, and it was a Silent Night for the Crooners who had no answer to the Christmas repertoire harked out by the Herald Angels. The three oriental kings that stood out were Tanveer_Singh (86pts), who prevented Hayden Owens from adding to his collection of clean sheets; and TheTinman (101pts) and FPL Jogger (94pts), who maintained harmony in the Squad Match. Sadly, it’s adieu to Ayew Lonesome Tonight, who go home alone for the final time. Meanwhile the Carrols will be donning nose plugs and face masks for their encounter with Toxic Seaman; and no doubt praying that Christmas comes early.
Boris’ search for the biggest loser is now down to the last four, all of whom are hoping they won’t have to tell him where to shove his wooden spoon.
Rooney Tunes 0-8 Krul Intentions
Suvansh took a break from carrying the team to concentrate on securing the golden boot and, while he didn’t manage to add to his tally, I do like his chances of finishing in the top 10K. For once, the rest of the Krul Intentions squad turned up: Albertgud led the line with 110pts; and sticking Az, together with his dodgy bench-boost, firmly on the bench, proved to be a match-winning strategy. Speedy’s crew also scored well, with withers_2014 (102pts), and Zygaenid (98pts) displaying the form they will look to carry into the Wooden Spoon match.
Shot to the Hart and Yorke to blame 11-0 Hanging by a Fred
The Bon Jovis’ weren’t having any of that League Champions/Wooden Spoon doubling up crap, and it was another threadbare performance by the Freds that saw them qualify for the final destined for repeat viewings on the Comedy Channel. Auto Select set the standard for Shot to the Hart with 117pts and a hattie in the H2Hs; and Sean Tobin (110pts) led a quintet of centurions in the Squad Match. The Freds will need to up their game if they wish to avoid finding out whether they look good in pink.
Yes, we even have meaningless friendlies for those that miss the tedium reminiscent of international breaks; and to plug a gap in Boris’ spreadsheet. In this week’s mixed bag the Kwang Kings flopped against the Defoe Kings; Son of a Gunn were too hot for Too Krul; and Catch me if U Kane only needed first gear to elude Flying without Ings. Lloris the Hounds were unable to handle Free Britney’s Areola; The Hairy Henry started a run on Footstock Alumni shares; and Bachmann and Robben finally brought Hey MaccaReina! to justice for crimes against music.
The full results can be found here:
PLAYER OF THE WEEK
The last DGW of the season provided a final opportunity for managers to fill their boots, and FH holders took full advantage. With his reputation on the line, Auto Select stepped up with 117pts and a hat-trick; gro1994 delivered 120pts from the beach; but this week’s Top Cat is TOMAC (124pts) who ensured that Toxic Seaman’s bid for You’re Ropey glory continues into the Final. Double rum rations all around.
Having now established that the individual manager awards will be kept open until a certain Mason Mount look-alike drops out of contention, all is going to plan with Suvansh leading the standings for the golden boot with 18 goals; and Narcos and tedstalksfpl trailing on 15. Hayden Owen is hanging onto his lead in the race for the golden gloves but, with nine managers still in contention, we might have to rebrand it as the golden finger.
COMING UP NEXT – IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
So, will Shearer’s bunch of Flowers have the cutting edge to offset the cunning strategies being devised by The Fantastic Mr Fox? Who’s our ropiest team; and who will be pretty in pink? All will be revealed, although we’ve already assumed that No Fuchs Given will concede the 3rd place match.
The full list is as follows:
It’s the last dance, so let’s make it a good one. Good luck to all, and lets’ do it all again next season. Stay safe.