While Arsene Wenger could get an edge 20 years ago by simply hopping over the channel, scouting networks these days span the globe, meaning more competition, more knowledge and less bargains. With domestic transfer fees also at an insane new level a few Premier League clubs have got creative and turned to the animal kingdom this January. Here are the three signings already confirmed, would any make your watchlists?
Disclaimer : The following offers nothing of use to FPL teams, no graphical excitement, nor any investigative journalism on Harry Kane. Attempting to offer anything useful would be downright negligent from a manager whose FPL career is flopping as quickly as Manuel Lanzini in a penalty area.
Whale (5.0)
Defender, Manchester United
Whale was first spotted by a Jose Mourinho scout in a re-run of episode four of Blue Planet. Despite being originally filmed in 2000 when the whale was already 30 Mourinho decided to offer the now 47 year old whale a contract, jokingly allaying fears over the age of the defender by saying “he never had any legs anyway.” Whale simply lies in the area until it’s time to be air-lifted back to the giant pool in Zlatan’s garden.
Pros: Blocking machine. Might get to play up-front for the second half if he can’t be moved.
Cons: Will likely only get starts in away games against the top 6. A bit greasy so prone to own-goals.
Giraffe (4.5)
Defender, Everton
Giraffe was initially targetted by Tony Pulis during his Stoke tenure but the move fell-through when Giraffe failed to get a work-permit having never played a match, let alone an international match for Kenya. What Pulis did manage to do, however, was convince Stoke zoo to take Giraffe knowing that after five years as a resident it could be bought. What he didn’t count on was losing his status as a Premier League manager by then. In swooped Sam Allardyce and Giraffe was at last allowed to run, well lurch to be exact, free.
Pros: Is to clearances what Thomas Brolin is to cake. Target of all set-pieces. Cannot give away a handball.
Cons: Will get nutmegged a lot. His arse ruins a lot of offside traps.
Penguin (6.0)
Midfielder, Manchester City
Close your eyes and imagine a Manchester City goal. Are you picturing a David Silva or Kevin De Bruyne pass splitting the centre-back and full back, as a marauding Leroy Sane or Raheem Sterling then fires the ball across the six-yard box for an uncatchable Gabriel Jesus or Sergio Aguero at the far post?
Pep was, and if you are too then penguin could be the option for you. Penguin will pick an angle and slide in at the far post, waddle back to the side-line and repeat. The club initially wanted to bring Sol Campbell out of retirement to fill this role and move into midfield from defence, but were put-off by his wage demands. Penguin’s demands were far more modest, if smelly.
Pros: Loves the winter schedule. Will keep going for the full 90mins as this is playtime for penguin.
Cons: Gets caught offside a lot. May pick up a lot of needless bookings for ploughing through players when the ball is nowhere near the area. Doesn’t do pass bonus. Rotation risk in the drier months.
6 years, 3 months agoLooking forward to seeing this controversial transfers for the second half of the season 🙂