Gameweek 13 was a feisty one, with more punishment dished out in two days than Fifty Shades of Grey managed in 514 pages.
Six players fell from the Suspension Tightrope, although three squirmed out of a Gameweek 14 ban by using the EFL Cup loophole.
That trio included two Manchester United players – the 7.9%-owned Paul Pogba (8.2) and Marouane Fellaini (5.8).
Pogba has slowly been repaying the faith his 300,000+ owners have invested in him with a goal and an assist from his last three matches, so escaping a league ban by missing Wednesday’s EFL Cup quarter-final against West Ham is further welcome news.
The diving incident that saw him cautioned and Jose Mourinho sent to the stands was a big talking point in Sunday’s draw with the Hammers. There’s a major temptation to don a tin foil hat and wonder whether Jose’s actions were intended to distract from a deliberate attempt to serve a ban without missing a league match.
Was Pogba on the grassy knoll in Dallas? Did he fake the moon landings? No, no he didn’t. So we’d better give him the benefit of the doubt here as well.
There was rather less brouhaha surrounding Fellaini’s caution, as befits a man who gets more bookings than a stag do stripper, and none at all regarding the ban in midweek for Hull City’s Sam Clucas (4.7).
Three others will miss Gameweek 14, however.
Yohan Cabaye (5.6) and Valon Behrami (4.5) picked up their fifth yellows, while Miguel Britos (4.4) plummeted from the tightrope in style by proving the equation yellow x 2 = red in Watford’s loss to Stoke.
Britos will remain teetering on four bookings on his return in Gameweek 15.
Meanwhile, Leicester’s Danny Drinkwater (5.3 and 4.8%-owned) will not be available until Gameweek 16 after being retrospectively banned for three matches for using his elbow to disagree with Behrami two Saturdays ago.
As six vacated the tightrope, seven more hopped on.
Investment in Chelsea defenders had been widespread during their six-match clean sheet run. They lost that record in the 2-1 win over Spurs and David Luiz (6.1), at 2.5% the least owned regular defender in the team, picked up a fourth yellow to boot.
More popular is Man City’s Nicolas Otamendi (5.9). The 3.1%-owned centre-half made it consecutive yellows when he was cautioned at Burnley.
With Aleksandar Kolarov (5.8) already on four cautions and Vincent Kompany (5.9) likely to be out until the New Year, City are at serious risk of being down to the bare bones in central defence now – hardly an ideal scenario with Christmas on its way.
As a result, the 25.4% of Fantasy Premier League managers on John Stones (5.0) are unlikely to see their man dropped again as he was for the 2-1 win at Turf Moor, although City’s negligible clean sheet record – one from 13 – rather offsets any joy to be had from that statement.
Joining them on the naughty step are Jason Puncheon (5.3), whose personal contribution to the 5-4 thriller at Swansea was his fourth yellow of the campaign, and Kyle Naughton (4.5), who earned a second consecutive yellow and a -1 score for the Gameweek.
Burnley’s Dean Marney (4.5) scored and picked up his fourth card in the loss to City, team-mate Matthew Lowton (4.5) received his first yellow since Gameweek 6 and Sunderland’s Steven Pienaar (4.9), having just served a one-match ban, was cautioned for the third time in four starts to complete the shame-faced arrivals.
The tightrope continues to groan under the weight of all that offending flesh.
The old-timer remains Diego Costa (10.6), who has now avoided a fifth caution for eight matches, just two shy of his best ever run without a booking. Since picking up his fourth yellow in Gameweek 6, he’s scored five times, recorded three assists, increased his ownership figures by more than 800,000 and seen his price rise by 0.6.
The Vatican is now beginning the canonisation process.
Still with Saint Diego on the rope are: the aforementioned Kolarov; Michail Antonio (6.8); Danny Simpson (4.9); Craig Dawson (4.8); Robert Huth (5.0); Jan Vertonghen (5.7); Lynden Gooch (4.4); Ryan Shawcross (4.9); Didier Ndong (4.8); Billy Jones (4.4) and Wayne Rooney (8.6).
Four players have now stepped out of the punishment box to blink into the light of a possible Gameweek 14 return.
Stoke’s Joe Allen (5.3) lost more than 235,000 FPL managers when he served his one-match suspension in the 1-0 win at Watford.
The 13.5% who stayed loyal will have been delighted to note the contenders for his advanced midfield slot singularly failed to impress in his absence, suggesting he’ll be back – and forward – for Saturday’s home match with Burnley.
Danny Rose (5.9) was ditched by a mere 25,882 backers as Spurs succumbed to Chelsea. Indeed, his remaining 5.3% ownership base might well have left him on the bench anyway. Tottenham now play three of their next four matches at home, against Swansea, Hull and Burnley, so Rose’s popularity looks set to blossom again.
West Ham’s Winston Reid (5.0) and Sunderland’s Papy Djilobodji (4.3) also finished their porridge ahead of this weekend’s action.
The Men In Black
Those Who Must Be Obeyed had a busy old weekend, with Kevin Friend providing a pleasing dose of disciplinary symmetry by handing out nine yellows to go with the nine goals scored by Swansea and Palace.
That matched this season’s previous booking bonanza when Jon Moss served up nine doses of justice in a Gameweek 7 kick-fest between Everton and Palace (again).
Robert Madley, meanwhile, deserves an award for restraint in his handling of the Watford clash with Stoke. The word ‘clash’ is used advisedly here – the 37 fouls committed represented the dirtiest encounter of the season to date, and yet Madley only booked three players before leaving it late to send Britos off for two cautions.
Friend, predictably, leads the way for average yellows shown per match (5.86), way ahead of Moss and Madley’s 4.80.
If goals and cards were ten-a-penny, penalties were rather harder to come by.
Anthony Taylor awarded his fourth (he’s now averaging 0.36 penalties per game) in Liverpool’s win over Sunderland, Lee Mason (0.50ppg) doubled his tally to four with a brace for Leicester in their 2-2 draw with Middlesbrough and Mike Jones popped his spot kick cherry at The Emirates and brandished eight yellow cards for good measure.
All three remain so far behind this season’s penalty addict Mike Dean – 10 matches, nine guaranteed mentions on Match of the Day – that it almost hurts.
Dean is back on the roster for this weekend – taking charge of the Monday night “classic in the making” between Middlesbrough and Hull City.
