Mourinho on rotation, Coutinho on rehabilitation and, erm, Arterinho on pitch disintegration – Say What? offers a bumper crop of quotes this week.

Benteke, Vardy and Pep going postal also feature, but there will be no mention of that Moyes comment.

Read on to find out just how untrue that last sentence might prove to be.

Rotation Sure, But Not Shaw

These days, the Premier League manager has many tools at his disposal to get the job done.

For maximised performance, there’s sports science. For match evaluation, there’s data. And for media work, there’s the back of the hand.

Even though you’re a woman.

Jose Mourinho prefers a verbal slap, however. Of the very public sort.

Because nothing says Luke Shaw needs to improve quite like…

“He had a good performance which was his body with my brain. Because he was in front of me and I was making every decision for him. And the communication was possible because we were very close but I was thinking for him. When to close inside, when to open, when to go in there, when to press the opponent.”

…in a press conference.

Mourinho melted eventually.

“But his contribution was good, he improved the team, he gave us immediately after 30 seconds he was in a scoring position or an assist position. It was good for him, he goes today with a positive feeling because his performance was very positive and I’m happy with what he gave us.”

The key point here is that Shaw is unlikely to feature heavily for United if his main role at the club continues being Mourinho’s personal press-gimp – even though the demands on the Red Devils’ squad remain huge.

They’ve still got nine league matches, with two expected double Gameweeks and a Europa League quarter-final to play.

And as their chances of qualifying for next year’s Champions League start to look increasingly wedded to their Thursday night performances, so the likelihood of league rotation grows ever stronger.

“It’s possible that you see me play in the Premier League with a team where I’m going to protect the players that I consider fundamental for the Europa League. But only, only if the results in the next matches put us in a situation where mathematically, it becomes almost impossible to do it.”

There’s only three United players owned by more than 10% of Fantasy Premier League (FPL) managers: David de Gea; Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Antonio Valencia.

The latter sat out the draw with Everton.

“Valencia is really, really tired. He come from Ecuador, arrive here, play 90 minutes, was a big effort for him, we need to protect him.”

Zlatan gave himself a mini-break by getting sent off in Gameweek 27, but even he will need some rest when United could, potentially, play 14 matches over the next seven weeks.

So just when we were considering which of United’s squad we could rely on to bring in two lots of double points during the run-in, we face the uncomfortable fact that it might be none of them.

Or maybe De Gea, at a pinch.

At least injuries to Chris Smalling and Phil Jones could make it easier for us to find a consistent starter from United’s defence.

Just don’t bet on one of them being Shaw.

A Fillip From Philippe?

Injuries are narrowing our options at Liverpool too, particularly among midfielders.

Senegal international Mane, English uber-chin Henderson, wannabe Welsh anagram Lallana…only Philippe Coutinho’s recovery is giving much cause for cheer at Anfield.

“My foot is definitely better. It’s fully cured now. There is no more problem with it. It’s just that when you are playing very well and then you are out for a bit, after your return it’s not quite the same. It’s naturally going to take a bit of time to return to your best levels.”

As if to prove that point…in the 13 matches before the Brazilian’s injury, he managed four double-digit performances. In the ten since, he’s bagged just the one.

Fortunately, that came at the weekend with a goal, an assist and maximum bonus points from the Merseyside derby.

“I’m physically better and I’m feeling more confident. You have to work very hard and hope that with that work you’ll improve and get back to playing how you were.”

His newly-remembered top form continued last night with another goal and could serve us all well, despite the Reds having only seven matches left in which he can display it.

Because if it’s quality, not quantity, you’re after, how does a run-in of Stoke, West Brom, Palace, Watford, Southampton, West Ham and Middlesbrough grab you?

Tempting, isn’t it?

Let’s just hope he recovers from the illness that forced him off against Bournemouth in time for that trip to the bet365.

Harry’s (x2) Spot Of Bother

Without ever wishing to condone violence, if anyone needed a slap at the moment it would probably be Harry Arter for his reach-for-the-skies penalty effort at Southampton last Saturday.

The Bournemouth midfielder was quick to quash any conspiracy and/or betting irregularity theories.

“I didn’t intentionally miss.”

He then went on to lay the blame firmly on himself…

“It is my fault.”

…before insinuating that, actually, it wasn’t at all.

“One of the lads said Harry Kane did something similar – maybe they need to have a look at it (the St Mary’s pitch).”

Southampton boss Claude Puel couldn’t let that one go unanswered.

“Yes, of course, I am happy with the groundsmen … I am happy with them two times now! It’s a good thing. We are, of course, lucky with this situation with these penalties because the pitch, it’s fantastic, and the work of groundsmen is fantastic. I wanted to say to them thank you very much … not just for the penalty though!”

Puel is fast becoming a favourite of mine, and not, I must stress once again, just because of his lovely daughter.

But Eddie Howe, understandably, was rather less jovial about the whole thing.

“We will have a nominated penalty taker. It can be difficult to predict – you don’t know who’s on the pitch and who feels confident at that stage of the game to pick it up and score. Now it’s a major talking point but I hope it stops being one soon and we get back to scoring them.”

Howe also confirmed, post-miss, that Josh King would have taken the penalty if he’d still been on the pitch, even though he botched the last one he took.

There’s 8.7% of FPL managers hoping the Cherries’ next nominated taker is Charlie Daniels. He did use to take them, after all.

But the whole issue might be rather moot anyway. Bournemouth’s next two opponents are Chelsea and Spurs, suggesting that most of the action will take place in their own penalty area.

Sam Wants Christian Soldiering Onwards

Crystal Palace have got an even more brutal fixture list, with Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs and both Manchester sides to face before Sam Allardyce can slip into his Speedos or maybe make a few bob from a Far Eastern lecture tou…no, that definitely won’t happen.

But if you can beat Chelsea at Stamford Bridge…

Big Sam wants Equally Enormous Christian to make sure that result, and Benteke’s beautifully taken goal, were not as good as it’s going to get.

“I want him to continue scoring goals. He scored a couple of goals on the international break, but it came to him on Saturday and it was very clever the way he finished it. It was very cute about the way he chipped it over the keeper, and hopefully he can go on a streak now.”

Allardyce is often mis-read as a no-nonsense, meat and two veg, get into them Northern throwback when, in reality, he’s embraced more human/tech interaction than a creepy IT professional with an eminently sackable interest in female to female HDMI couplers.

Take, for instance, his next insight:

“It is not just him – the more people we have capable of scoring goals, the better chance we have of winning.”

Maybe not.

But that Chelsea result should remind all of us that form can often overcome fixtures.

And when Benteke hits any kind of form, as another goal against Southampton confirmed, the points tend to start flowing.

Vardy Party Includes No Foam

Apparently the only thing flowing through Jamie Vardy’s mind not so long ago was quitting football and having it large as an Ibiza holiday rep.

Craig Shakespeare remembers the situation really well.

“I remember the situation really well.”

All right Craig, get on with it.

“At that time Jamie would be the first to admit he was going through a rough patch and myself Nigel (Pearson, ostrich botherer) and Steve (Walsh, fellow assistant-manager) sat him down and told him about his attributes and that we thought he could go on. Thankfully he didn’t go to Ibiza and it’s fair to say he made the right decision, considering how well he has done.”

So well, in fact, that Vardy seemed to rest on his laurels, not in Ibiza but on the pitch, spending much of this season trying to get Claudio Ranieri a career change of his own.

“We not only mentioned he was capable of playing in the Premier League, we said he also had the attributes to play for the national team. Our job is to support players. Sometimes they do have self-doubt.”

As do Fantasy managers – 864,000+ of us had Vardy in our teams at the start of the season, but it’s taken his latest run of five goals in as many matches to get him anywhere close to that ownership level again.

He’s now at 760,000+, or 17.3%, and the early signs are of more coming on board ahead of Gameweek 32.

Leicester have a mixed bag of fixtures still to come, but a double Gameweek (albeit involving Spurs) and his own red-hot form make him that much harder to resist.

Ibiza’s loss promises to be our gain for a second season running.

Pep’s Got Woodwork On The Brain

Only four teams have scored more than Man City’s 57 goals this season.

But in true Jim Bowen Bullseye tradition, here’s what they could have won – if they hadn’t hit the woodwork 17 times.

“Seventeen posts is a lot but this year a lot of things we wanted to control but couldn’t. The game against Chelsea is a big example.”

Pep Guardiola’s lament is heart-felt, his next comment rather more whimsical.

“There are a lot of things we can improve with the post, one would be make goals bigger but it will not happen.”

Yep, even that beacon of footballing purity Sepp Blatter baulked at doing that.

“There are a lot of things we can improve, the player, the coach, the way of playing, in the boxes. We want to look for the reason behind what we have to improve.”

Maybe not picking Jesus Navas as a right-back might help?

Even his how-did-that-happen three bonus point bonanza last weekend didn’t tempt us into buying him for the Chelsea match – by my calculations a whopping 99 managers purchased him ahead of Gameweek 31, presumably ‘for the bantz’.

Or because their medication ran out.

No, until Guardiola buys some decent defenders and then actually plays them, we’re best off sticking with the tried and trusted – Aguero, De Bruyne and, these days, Sane – however many posts they hit in the meantime.

And with a double Gameweek and a cracking run-in still to come, there’s plenty of scope for goals to go with all those near-misses.

And Finally, David Moyes

We couldn’t just mention it in passing, could we?

Before that, however, this – from Swansea boss Paul Clement about trying to forecast results from matches still to be played, something he said his old boss Carlo Ancelotti used to do, to no avail.

“That’s why I don’t do it because it never works out like it should in reality. It’s just playing fantasy football and it’s a waste of time.”

Well, Paul, I think we’re all going to have to agree to disagree with you there.

At least Clement hasn’t ‘jokingly’ suggested he’ll slap a reporter recently. Or, indeed, probably ever.

Some have pointed out that BBC journalist Vicki Sparks was laughing during the whole incident, but I suspect that was a laugh as hollow as a FIFA pledge to clean up football ‘for the good of the game’.

She, after all, has her career to protect.

And when Jim Davidson is one of the few to leap to your defence, you’ve got to feel that you might not be on the right side of the debate in anything but the political sense of the word.

For readers unaware of seventies stand-up comedians, Davidson is a kind of showbiz version of Donald Trump, but with a marginally less dodgy Barnet and no access to launch codes.

With friends like these, David, it might be wise to get back to what you know best – blaming all your woes on the absence of Victor Anichebe.