Pre-match Preamble – Gameweek 34

Few players push our buttons like Romelu Lukaku. As a Fantasy Football asset, he appears to relish seeking out new ways to frustrate us.

It’s almost fitting that Lukaku should choose this current Gameweek 34 scenario to come to the fore once again; to adopt the role of ringmaster in this circus of uncertainty we’re now forced to spectate.

So many of us bought a ticket ahead of Gameweek 33, confidently throwing down the Wildcard, ripping our squads apart and rolling the armband over Lukaku’s bicep. We had such high hopes.

Now, in a week that saw the Belgian inevitably fail to deliver on his promise, he’s dominating our thinking again – a component of Roberto Martinez’ “masterplan” to somehow salvage some credit from Everton’s spiralling season.

Lukaku is apparently carrying a groin problem. He may well have trained ahead of today’s meaningless encounter with Southampton but with Martinez facing the two biggest matches in his Everton tenure after this weekend, the smart money is on Lukaku sitting out the Saints clash.

While it was difficult to foresee this situation play out, we perhaps should have known better but to pin hopes on the most frustrating Fantasy asset, playing for the most inconsistent side in the Premier League.

Now, with the likes of Ross Barkely, Phil Jagielka and Aaron Lennon ably supporting Lukaku’s provocation, we face the prospect of throwing points hits at the problem. We’re almost as desperate as Roberto.

There’s a lesson to be learned.

The Double Gameweek/Bench Boost combination appeared to be a potent end-of-season weapon, used to punish the unprepared. Blinded by the promise of unimaginable three-figure hauls, many of us looked on Lukaku and a cast of unreliable mediocrity with new eyes.

We’ve been stung by end-of-season agendas – Roberto’s trying to save his job while down the road, Jugen Klopp’s plotting European glory. I’m not certain that upsetting the end-of-season plans of a few thousand Fantasy Football managers has entered their thinking. Neither of them returned my calls.

I’m still blaming myself. I begrudgingly waved goodbye to proven talent and welcomed Yannick Bolasie into my dressing room. On Wednesday night I was contemplating swapping him out for James Milner. How did it come to this, exactly?

We all know the answer. We gladly opted in on the deal and are now funnelling into the Big Top, a procession of sweaty palmed Fantasy managers just hoping that the Gameweeek 34 circus can still play out as expected.

Lukaku is faking a limp as he welcomes us to our seats and we’re all wondering if we’re the clowns.

It’s done now, let’s try to enjoy the show.