FFS UEFA Beach Soccer Tournament 2013

Any new news? Old news? Scurrilous rumours? Tweets or similar shite?

Grav test 😎

(The name still could use some work though 😐 )

The site is going all discombobulated...that happening for anyone else? Yikes. Shitting hell in fact . Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVDfmn_TMkI

Morning TM.

Things got rather dirty in the Twitter battlefield 😆

https://twitter.com/solomonsbswc/status/388280505315381250

ENR.Could you narrate it for us non twitter users. Please?

Anyone feel the Japanager's presence in the room? He must be close 😉

Where all my team mates!!??o_O

Why Thomass Why? My vice captain tells me I'm injured 😆

https://twitter.com/tahitibswc/status/388322527690649600

Pfft! Dont let them hear you! We have enough stamina to do 5 in quick.sucession and still fight a war! B-)

Here's something for you guys to have a read of!

http://www.fantasyfootballscout.co.uk/comment/5789502

Someone's certainly enjoying his international break:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1385608_564570223598116_23523303_n.jpg

In response to team USA's invitation to play a friendly, Tahiti feels pitiful about their current economic situation and would like to make a proposal to give them a chance to recover during this turmoil.

The mighty Tahitians will play USA on one condition:

If USA score 50 or less than Tahiti, their team will make 10 tweets with the hashtag #TrolledAtTahiti

If USA score 51 or more than Tahiti, we will make 10 tweets with any hashtag they want.

You have another 24 hours to counter-propose or accept this offer. We look forward to hearing someone shouting YES WE CAN!

Merci Beaucoup
ENR
On behalf of Tahiti and their fans

This'll liven you'll up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7w86qjdBnaQ 😉

Had to take a break from videoing the first Solomons Island presser (gawd, Epic Fail's Missus is such a diva to work with!) Quick research question. What is a recognizable highway that runs from London to Norfolk? We strive for accuracy.

Giants v Bears game all over and yet still no Japanese manager's presser.

🙁

I'm off to bed.

Oh no, I just got the otoko no ko to bed and was hoping to have word from our Emperor.

We are pleased to announce Japan has ceded the dead zone to the UAE 😆

Wait...........something is stirring in the Japanese camp.

Live………..from Tokyo!

For the first time in two years, a crowd gathers for a press conference from Roberto newman-cini.

The place? Budokan Hall. Why Bukokan Hall? Because Puroresu, that’s why.

The press is becoming restless, clearly forgetting Roberto Newman-cini’s strict policy of always making the press wait for a half hour before he appears.

Instead, they have been subjected to James ‘the Illner’ Milner’s hit rap single, “That how I Rolarov.” Not a live performance, mind you, just a recording on repeat.

“I put in more crosses that the Catholic Church
And I’m knocking United right off they damn perch!
All the b*tches clothes, they always be fallin off
That’s just life as James Milner, cuz that’s how I rolarov!”

The press moans in unison after having to hear that line again. All of a sudden the music stops and the lights go out. The whole room is suddenly completely dark.

“For the love of God, what now?” says someone in the crowd, clearly exasperated by what is going on, and obviously failing to understand how the average Roberto Newman-cini press conference tends to go down.

Suddenly, it begins. Green lights appear everywhere as the once forgotten theme song of a man thought to be gone for good rings out over the loudspeakers.

Here comes to Moneeeeeeeeeeey…(Here we Go)……Here comes the Money.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KiWQLDngBQ

Money Money Money Money Money Money Money Money Moneeeeeeeeeey

“No Dammit!”

The music suddenly stops

“No Gareth, Track 2, Damn you”

A new song begins…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcKnA8j2vuI

“Dammit Gareth, that’s track 3, I want track 2! Your aim is so bad you can’t even find the right song.”

After a moment of hushed whispering ,a third song begins.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_kUY691CMM

The theme song of Japanese Wrestler Kazuchika Okada rings out over the loudspeakers, and, in keeping with Okada’s own entrance, fake money begins to fall from the rafters. The reporters, for a second, get excited, thinking its really money. Then they remember that the shiek no longer signs Newman-cini’s checks, and they begin to weep.

In walks Roberto Newman-Cini, dressed in a long, golden robe, with a ridiculous silver scarf around his neck all the way to his feet. His long, disgusting gray hair is done up in the traditional gingko leaf hair style usually only reserved for sumo wrestlers of high esteem and rank. All of the traditional Japanese reporters seem very offended by this getup.

He approaches the table and has a seat. He then slashes his throat to signal Gareth Barry to cease the music.

“Ahem,” Nerman-cini says as he adjust the microphone.

“I azzume zat you all have…eh…got my memo. Zee memo I peened to zee eediot Gareht Barry yesterday. I shall be referred to from zis moment onward as……Ze Japanager.”

“Za Japanager eez here-ah for one reezon….to announze zze team zat will be veectorioos in zis years Uefa Beach world Soccer champions tournament Experienze, brought to you by Taco bell.”

Unfortunately, I am not, how you say, an expert on-a this country. If-a you had-a asked me to find Japan on a map, I woold-a have-a no godfozaken idea. But part of zat is zat I beleev zat geography eez nozzing more zan a scheme zat zee Russians invented een order to feel like zey iz-a zee biggest. “

“Russia beeger zan Italalia? Come now: Pull zee ozzer one. “

“Wat wuz I talkeeng about? O yes, Japan.”

“ So yees, I have no knowledge of zees country, beyond eets incredible professional wrestlings. Neverzeless, Zey have ze confidence zat I weel be ze best leader for zem. And quite frankly, zey are right.”

The Japanese Beach Football association can now be seen furiously trying to call any other available manager from their box seats.

“Zo, weethout fuzer ado…..Ze Two Thousand an Thirteen Japanese National Beech Soccer Team!”

“Our Capeetan, Ze king of our recruitment-a drive…..RYAN”

“Our Vice Capteen, and Grandpa to us all……BACK TO BACK BALLACKS!”

“Ze have original national heemzelf, and artist of ze stars…..TOKYORED”

“Ze one who was-a blue before it was Samurai…..BLUE LION!”

“Ze King of all Zat is uber, and a personal idol of mine, ze legend himself…..JAFALAD!”

“A guy I hardly know at all………..BILLY KETSU!”

“Ze one who veel never compromise her need to have fun…..KATIE!”

“Ze eagerest rookie in all ze Deadzone…….RUMPLED FORESKIN………wait, what? Er, RUMPLESTILSKIN!”

“Ze Mezziahof Ze pre-match lineupz…….DEMI!”

“Ze Sensei of ze green-a drink……ABZINTHE!!!”

“And finally, Ze Hall of Famer himself……….KENNCAM!”

The Japanager rises, applauding his own announcements. Flashbulbs go off and the team comes out one by one, each one carrying either a no-dachi or katana and wearing traditional samurai garb. By the end, the press is taking pictures of the group. They look something like this.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1xvOKvAus7M/TnxBAHkma5I/AAAAAAAAAto/eL0BCUDVZrk/s400/Satsuma-samurai-during-boshin-war-period.jpg

That’s right……….BAD ASSES.

The team takes a zeat….ahem, I mean seat. The Japanager adjust his microphone and speaks again.

“For Zis press conferanze, all-a questions must be directed at-a myzelf……Ze Japanager. You, what eez your question?”

“Japanager……We had heard B2B Ballacks wanted to go to the Netherlands. Why did he choose to remain.”

The Japanager scowls over at B2B gesturing as Italians are known to do.

“Zat answer eez simples…..we threated heem. Zat eez ze difference between us and ze dutch. When a Dutch guy threatens you, there eez no fear. What are zey going to do….feed you stroopwafles until you die? No. But when Ze Japanese threaten you….you are probably dead before ze threat is even feeneeshed. His choice became simples. Plus, he is Vice captain. Zo he can now give out-a the threats, az well.”

“But….can you trust that kind of man, Japanager?”

The Japanager almost looks disgusted by the stupidity of the question.

“Trust? Who needs trust? Ballotelli was one of my greatest accomplishments, and I could not trust a zing he deed! Trust eez overrated. Zis man, zees man Ballacks…..he eez my new Ballotelli.”

“What about Katie, Japanager, can you trust her not to randomly destroy her team in a fit of angst?”

“Yez, weel…..she eez also Ballotelli. Everyzing outzide of my control weel from zis point forth be referred to as Ballotelli. But I am not worried. She eez ze embodiment of our team. More-a zan anyzing else, this teem exeests for ze fun of ze game, and zat has always been Katie’s goal beyond- all theengs. We are honored to have her.”

“What of rumplestilskin, japanager? He really has never done anything.”

“Except, you forget…..ze one thing-a he has done is most eemportant! Hiz Zpirit!He has given hees life for ze country: he loves our country and our team! Whet more can we ask from a player…..besides of course, talent, skill, and instincts? Zees young man embodies Japanese zpirit, and we are glad-a to have heem!”

“There has been a lot of questions over the signing of Demi, Japanager. Want to put that to rest?”

Roberto smiles.

“A lot of questions….from who?”

“Well, uh…..christina, Japanager.”

Roberto laughs. He then snaps his fingers, and all of the Japanese National team begins to laugh. Jafalad’s laugh is by far the most intimidating. Least intimidating…Blue Lion, surprisingly.

“And I care what cheats have to zay……zince when? Seriously. I hope Zenegal wins ze whole thing. I really do. Want to know why? Because there weel be a huge asterisk next to their name in ze record books if zey do. If zey win, weel all know zat zey could never ween wizzout cheating. If zey lose, zen zey will be ze team zat cheeted and still lost. It’s a ween-ween.”

“As for Demi, his signing is simple tacteecs. We will know every teem sheet before anyone elze!”

The reporters looked confused. They wonder to themselves if Roberto actually understand how teamsheets work.

“Japanager, please tell us about KenCamm…..we don’t really know him.”

“Ah yez, zat was one of Ryan’s most brilliant moments as captain. What a zwoop, as ze English say! 8th in ze hall of fame, right under ze radars of ze beeg weegs. And of course he chose Japan. From his lurking he zaw what kind of teem we are, ze fun we have, and what a great feet he would be. You dream about signings like zat one!”

“any thoughts on the proposed friendly with Holland?”

“Yezz well…..I agree to zees, only if it is played on ze Japanese beeches. We woold-a been glad to do it in Holland, except for ze fact zat ze Dutch beaches are full of broken glazz and hypodermic needlez. No one-a wantz to play zer.”

“Japanager…..thoughts on your group?’

“ahh yez, it is a shame we are in a group weez ze Russians. We honor their team. Zey are all great peoplez, and I wanted several of zem on our team. Our hope eez zat we both advanze, zo that ze two deadzone teams veel reign supreme. “

“Paraguay haz many talented players…..I just have no clue who any of zem are.”

“As for Ivory Coast…..what is it? I have no clue what an Ivory coast even eez.”

Gareth barry runs on stage and whispers to the Japanger.

“O yeez? O Yaya’s country? O yez, now I know zat one. Eez Yaya eligible? No? Well zen I guess we have nothing to worry about do we?”

The whole room laughs. What a crappy country Ivory Coast truly is.

“I weel now open-a my questionz to ze extended floor. Does anyone have-a ze questions for the great and powerful Emperor and Japanager Roberto Newman-Cini?”

My scrolling finger aches..

Is El Salvawhore or Arrrghentina still competing in this beach booty thingy?

Team USA press conference:

*drone strikes everyone*
That'll learn you.

This press conference was sponsored by Walmart.

Friday night in Japan. I'd like everyone still in work, or better still yet to go to work, to be aware of this.

Granvchenko, Jопty and myself are currently locked in talks in the main conference room at the headquarters of the Football Federation of Ukraine (Федерація Футболу України) in Kiev.

We are discussing the proposals for a friendly match from Pepin of the Russian team* and hope to release a statement at some point today.

* http://www.fantasyfootballscout.co.uk/2013/10/09/ffs-uefa-beach-soccer-tournament-2013/?hc_page=14#hc_comment_5788603

is the Japanager about? I have a grav for you.

Team Iran Press Release

Khosh amadid. Dashtshuee kojast? The Football Federation of the Islamic Republic of Iran is proud to announce the final member of its Beach Soccer team. After a fair and democratic vote, overseen by the Ayatollah and during which not one shot was fired in anger or threat (as we like to say "when the door to the pot is open, where is the integrity of the cat?"), 1966 has accepted a place in our 11 strong squad. On hearing the news Marco Vetávio, Manager, said " Havercrafte man pore mārmāhi ast. This is fantastic for the team. My soul has reached my lips and this has surely enriched our uranium.

Commiserations go out to the unsuccessful applicants but, as everyone surely knows, you can't ride a camel underground.

Unfortunately this press release has to be brief as the missile tests are still ongoing.

Xeyli mamnun

Konbanwa FFS!!

Pepin my old comrade. The Football Federation of Ukraine has had a meeting with the Ukrainian politburo and we agree to your demands and forfeits.

We will fight it out on the Black Sea beaches.

Signed by
Granchenko
Tinkyuchenko
Jontyuk