When Steve Cook ruined a man’s life

This is a story about how one relatively innocuous defender kept me entertained all season, unfortunately at the expense of my dad.

On paper Steve Cook has the potential to troll. He’s a tantalising goal threat in a defence which concedes for fun, yet somehow also goes on the odd streak of clean sheets. Just how perfectly this potential cocktail of calamity would come together and conspire against one manager, with the help of his own unique decisions, was something to behold.

On this site especially we can be a ruthless and fickle bunch. It only takes a couple of gameweeks for a player’s reputation to be reversed. If only my dad followed suit and banished patience and loyalty he would have saved himself almost an entire season of Steve Cook based turmoil. Instead Cook was part of his squad for 34 gameweeks, through wildcards, chips and even seven gameweeks of injury (more on that to come.

Let the trolling commence.

Gameweek 1:

It’s Cardiff at home but controversially Cook is made 3rd sub. Bournemouth win 2-0, 6pts for Cook, always a tidy return for a 4.5 investment. Why have Cook at all if you’re going to bench him at home to newly promoted Cardiff you may be asking? It’s a good question and one I posed to the man himself. The reply was that Bournemouth had signed some defenders and he was worried Cook wouldn’t start. You’re now wondering why have a player who you’re worried won’t start aren’t you? Me too.

Gameweek 2:

It’s West Ham away, now confident in Cook’s starting place but not his clean sheet prospects Cook is made to sit on the bench once more. West Ham score first, job done, no more benching heartache like GW1. Or so he thought, incredibly Cook assists the equaliser then scores the winner. 14pts sat on the bench, devastating.

Gameweek 3:

Everton at home. You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, but there’s no way you can fool me thrice. Steve Cook can and he did. A first start of the season greeted with a 1 pointer. Tragic extra context in this match was as a jilted Watford lover he had refused to get Richarlison at the start of the season, yet after the Brazilian’s explosive first two gameweeks he caved-in and got him in for this match, for a -2.

Gameweek 4: 

Battered and bruised from these opening gameweeks he now has a relatively easy chance to bench Cook away to Chelsea. For 72mins it looks like old Trole Gunnar Trollskjaer is going to get him again as Bournemouth were holding Chelsea, but 2 late goals seal the Chelsea win and the Cook blank. Finally a win, no points but a win!

Gameweeks 5-7:

Cook is trusted with 3 successive starts. Leicester at home, Burnley away and Crystal Palace at home. Cook returns 1, 0, 2.

Gameweek 8:

It’s Watford away. The classic FPL vs real-life dilemma. He benches Cook and doubles-down on the Watford . It pisses down with rain as Bournemouth win four-nil. Another 6 pointer for Cook making it 27pts in 4 gameweeks on the bench compared to 4pts in 4 gameweeks in the starting XI. Oh well, at least he didn’t text me the night before the game saying how much he was looking forward to going to the game.

Gameweek 9:

An international break before this gameweek means there are two weeks to mull over getting this curse out of his side. Witnessing the pain I stage a family intervention, I plead with him that the only thing more annoying than those first 8 gameweeks would be if he sells before Southampton at home and they get a clean sheet. He keeps the faith and gets the treasured 6pts. The curse is surely banished to history and he can now enjoy the rest of his season.

Gameweek 10:

Not so fast. It’s Fulham away and despite Watford-gate he insists Cook can still only be trusted in home games. He’s benched for another clean sheet. A yellow card dilutes the damage slightly but it’s still another infuriating day at the office of Steve Cook.

Gameweeks 11-17:

Cook only gets 2 outings in this tough spell for Bournemouth as it involves games against Man Utd, Arsenal, Man City, Liverpool and Wolves. His little gasps for air come against Newcastle and a banker home to Huddersfield. 1 and 2 points respectively.

Gameweek 18:

This match will go down in history as ‘the trick’ given what it preceded. It’s Brighton at home, it ticks all the boxes even for this logic maverick dad. Cook gets his clean sheet and what’s this? A cheeky bonus point, well hello Mr 7 points.

Gameweek 19:

Suddenly my dad can’t get enough of Steve Cook, while everyone else got rid of Bournemouth defenders long ago he’s bathing in those 7 points, proposing a toast to loyalty and patience. He clearly gets carried away and decides to start Cook away to Tottenham. Now the extra detail which is bordering on mind-blowing given it’s unique blend of incredible and awful vision. He brings in Kyle-Walker Peters yet makes him 3rd sub. Tottenham win five-nil, Walker-Peters gets 17 points courtesy of a hat-trick of assists and Cook is left with 0.

Gameweek 20: 

Man Utd away, an easy benching, not getting carried away by that 7 pointer any longer! Man Utd win 4-1.

Gameweek 21:

Watford at home. What does he do? The pain of that rainy day in October is still fresh in the mind, but this is Watford, can you back against your own team? Yes you can! It’s a thrilling 3-3 draw with Cook lucky to come away with 1pt in the end. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Gameweek 22 & 23:

Everton away, he benches and he nails it. Of course you’d rather nail the starts but it’s still nice to avoid those benched clean sheets. Bournemouth looked really poor defensively in the Everton and Watford games so he decides to bench Cook at home to West Ham too. You guessed it, clean sheet for Cook! He even gets a cheeky bonus point too. Disaster.

Gameweek 24:

It’s Chelsea at home this time, one of his few Steve Cook victories was correctly benching him vs Chelsea last time out so he benched him again here. Would you believe it? Bournemouth beat Chelsea four-nil, Cook gets his 6pts.

Gameweek 25:

Cardiff away. He refuses to make his GW1 mistake again, Bournemouth are flying high on confidence after just beating West Ham and Chelsea to nil. Will it be just 6pts for Cook or will he top-up with bonus or a goal too? Cardiff win two-nil! 1pt for Cook.

Gameweek 26: 

Liverpool away, finally a stress free benching. Cook does actually get 2 assists but luckily both are for Salah goals so it’s a correct benching.

Gameweeks 27-33: 

Cook suddenly disappeared from the Bournemouth squad. At first it looked like it could have been tactical given how torrid a time he had against Liverpool but it turned out to be a groin injury. At first it was quoted as a minor strain so my dad held him. 7 gameweeks later however he still hadn’t returned, the strain had become an abscess which would hospitalise Cook. Enough was enough, my dad finally decided to get rid of him, the small positive was keeping him for so long helped him save up a free double transfer, one to get rid of Cook, one to bring in a double gameweek punt…

Gameweek 34:

Brighton away. The match famous for Shane Duffy captaincies. My dad wasn’t that foolish, he stuck to his tried and tested policy of captaining attacking players. He would captain his new double gameweek punt, Anthony Knockaert. Cook chooses this gameweek to return from the dead and keep a clean sheet. Knockaert meanwhile gets sent off and misses part 2 of the double gameweek. Cook 6, Captain Knockaert -2.

Gameweeks 35-37:

No Steve Cook narratives here, he’s out of my dad’s squad and out of his mind. Well actually there was one, Bournemouth manage to keep a clean sheet against Tottenham in gw37. An extra layer of trauma is added to Walker-Peters-gate. Cook even picks up a bonus point, so 7pts. One last hurrah in gameweek 38? Try and salvage some pride from a travesty of an experience with Steve Cook. Unlikely, my dad is too long in the tooth to get suckered in by a 7 pointer.

Gameweek 38:

If you were paying attention you would have seen that Cook spent 34 gameweeks in his squad. Plus you would have learnt from gameweek 19 that budget defender 7 pointers are like catnip to my dad, he bites and brings Cook back in for the final day. Zaha inspires Palace to a 5-3 win in a frankly ridiculous game where Cook is lucky in the end to hold on to his 0pts. One more slice of pain, but at least at this point it was all over.

Cook’s trolling kept me invested in the season when all was lost with my own side. He got my dad 22 pts all season, almost as many as he managed in the first 2 benched gameweeks alone. To Steve Anthony Cook and special guests Richarlison, Walker-Peters and Knockaert, I salute you.