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22 August 2014 5201 comments
Paul Paul
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Our Friday regular arrives as the minutes tick down until tomorrow’s deadline. We continue with a three-part approach, taking in the weekly poll standings, the Opta player statistics and our Rate My Team projections to help steer your thoughts on the Captain conundrum.

The first section is free to view for all visitors to the site and will analyse the chief protagonists, as selected in our Gameweek poll. The latter two parts are restricted to our members, as we delve deeper into the Opta and Rate My Team data.

The Captain Poll

Chelsea dominate this week’s poll, with three of their players populating the top-four places ahead of a home encounter against promoted Leicester. Diego Costa leads the way with over 50% of the votes cast after he netted on his debut away to Burnley on Monday evening – the Spain international scored 18 of his 27 goals for Atletico Madrid at home last year and clearly offers a stronger option in front of his own fans.

Cesc Fabregas and Eden Hazard trail in Costa’s wake, with 14% and 6% respectively. The Spaniard’s 11-point haul at Turf Moor showed that, even when fielded in the Blues’ double-pivot, he has the ability to wreak havoc, while Hazard’s owners will be looking for the Belgian to replicate last season’s displays at the Bridge, where the Belgian scored 10 of his 14 league goals. Certainly, his owners will be looking for an improved display in the final third – Hazard, along with Fabregas, failed to register a single attempt against The Clarets.

One of the few Fantasy successes in United’s home defeat by Swansea, Wayne Rooney has been backed with the armband by 8%  ahead of a testing trip to Sunderland. With Robin van Persie reportedly set to feature at the Stadium of Light, though, Rooney’s 48% popularity in the Fantasy Premier League (FPL) game may be set for a drop as managers consider the 3%-owned Dutchman, who is likely to be handed spot-kicks by Louis van Gaal.

Gylfi Sigurdsson, Aaron Ramsey and Raheem Sterling are all fancied to continue the form that served up a goal apiece in the opening weekend. Certainly, Sigurdsson looks the most promising of the bunch here as he prepares for a home encounter with Burnley – having averaged 5.7 points per game in his first spell with Swansea, a role in “the hole” looks vital to his prospects. Ramsey and Sterling face tougher tasks, though – trips to Everton and City are far from certain to bring home the points.

Sigurdsson’s team-mate Wilfried Bony has been overlooked. The Ivorian netted 13 times in his final 18 appearances of 2013/14 yet has so far received a mere 62 votes, whilst Sergio Aguero, as the most popular City option, has so far earned less than 1% of the votes cast and looks another differential armband option capable of delivering in style.

Paul Is certain he won't make the same mistakes next season. Follow them on Twitter

  1. Optimus.
    • 14 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    "I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

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    1. Holy See
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      How's the wc comin along? Said the plumber.

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      1. Taribo West on a free
        • 15 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        Guess who I bumped into in the opticians today. Everyone.

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        1. diabydoesgallas
          • 11 Years
          11 years, 3 months ago

          I see, said the blind man

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  2. mcpandm
    • 13 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    What's brown and sticky

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    1. TorresMagic™
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • Has Moderation Rights
      • 16 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      A stick.

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    2. Dr Dream
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      a stick

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    3. Pork Pie Sausage Roll
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      A big steaming turd

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    4. Make United Great Again
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Infected discharge.

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    5. Super PVA - Small Spuds
      • 12 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Is this racist?

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    • 12 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Always a classic.. 🙂 .........

    Football player is walking down the street when he sees a fire in a block of flats. He runs over to help and hears a woman calling from the top of the building.

    ‘Will someone save my baby!’ she yells.

    The footballer shouts back, ‘Fear not. I’m a professional goalkeeper! Throw down your baby and I promise I won’t drop him!’

    So the mother throws down the baby and the goalkeeper makes a perfect catch – before bouncing it twice and kicking it 30 yards down the road.

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    1. Venom Snake
      • 12 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      I actually lol 😀

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    2. MJ6987
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Old ones are the best!

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    3. Cheeseoid
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Brilliant

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  3. Rödallegabomb ᴿᴮ
    • 13 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Nate.

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    1. Woy of the Wovers
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      😆

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  4. Lallana_
    • 11 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Best joke here:

    *A man walks into a bar*

    "Ouch" he shouts

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    1. Polaris - The Mortal Coil
      • 11 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Already been done though.

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      1. Fitzy.
        • 14 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        Different bar.

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    2. Woy of the Wovers
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      I think you typed out the wrong one.

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    3. Wirtzle Gummidge
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      A dyslexic walks into a bra.

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  5. TorresMagic™
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • Has Moderation Rights
    • 16 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    What's green and sticky?

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    1. Rödallegabomb ᴿᴮ
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      A hot topic?

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      1. TorresMagic™
        • Fantasy Football Scout Member
        • Has Moderation Rights
        • 16 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        This 🙂

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        1. Van Dal
          • 15 Years
          11 years, 3 months ago

          Really not funny.

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    2. Davido989
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      The thing leaking out of your nostril

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    3. Optimus.
      • 14 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Raphaels jizz

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      1. Lallana_
        • 11 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        Hulks*

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    4. Van Dal
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Green stick

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    5. The Light Knight
      • 14 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      A Hulk happy ending?

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      1. The Machine
        • 12 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        Haha

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    6. Ryan
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • Has Moderation Rights
      • 14 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Oh dear

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  6. Davido989
    • 15 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    My gameweek1 score

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    1. TorresMagic™
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • Has Moderation Rights
      • 16 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Vine time yet?

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      1. Davido989
        • 15 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        What's vine?

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  7. Hazard for Ballon D'or
    • 11 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Decision made. Young stays on the bench and I will take the fall.

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  8. Spectrum-FFS Doubles Champ
    • 14 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Quasimodo looks into the mirror

    Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the ugliest of them all?

    Mirror says....... Ian Dowie

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  9. Van Dal
    • 15 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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    1. Holy See
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Ease off on the dlsecixs man.

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      1. Malcolm Tucker for England …
        • Fantasy Football Scout Member
        • 14 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        or they'll sacrifice you in the name of Santa

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    2. Polaris - The Mortal Coil
      • 11 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      lol

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    3. WorldCupDanB
      • 14 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Dyslexia rules ko

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  10. ACCOUNTING ON CHRIS
    • 12 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Why are we all posting jokes?

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    1. Twisted Saltergater
      • 16 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      I don't get it...?

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  11. mcpandm
    • 13 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Akbar wins the prize but would have also accepted a pitch in the seventies

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    1. Dr Dream
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Aye...spot the grass competition was a good game back then.

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  12. Volk
    • 13 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    'Frank Lampard arrived at City today and says he's settled in well, adding: "I recognise many of the fans from when they supported Chelsea".'

    🙂

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  13. Malcolm Tucker for England …
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 14 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    what's yellow and smells like bananas?

    monkey sick

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  14. ACCOUNTING ON CHRIS
    • 12 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Get your taco! you've pulled a dyslexic mexican

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    1. Obi Wan Elokobi
      • 14 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      This generally is my favourite joke. When I first heard I was in tears.

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      1. ACCOUNTING ON CHRIS
        • 12 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        I like it too, takes a few seconds for the penny to drop

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    2. the axolotl
      • 14 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      ariba ariba! endele endele, or whatever 🙂

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      1. Taribo West on a free
        • 15 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        What does a Mexican carpet fitter say?
        Underlay underlay.

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  15. theGunner
    • 11 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    What do you call a mermaid on a roof?

    Arial

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  16. Mr_Partridge
    • 11 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Some terrible jokes round here

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  17. Obi Wan Elokobi
    • 14 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrot.

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  18. mcpandm
    • 13 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Lol mar

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    • 12 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    I was walking past Old Trafford the other day and saw a disgruntled United fan had nailed a season ticket to the gate - I thought "I"m having that"!

    I mean a man can never have too many nails can he? 😀

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    1. emperikal
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      😆

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  19. Desertbug
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 13 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick

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    1. Desertbug
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      whoops.... just posted.... sorry

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  20. applebonkers
    • Has Moderation Rights
    • 16 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    not a joke but an anecdote.

    former liverpool player jason mcateer was staying at a villa in spain with some other players. they get in the car and drive to a little supermarket on their way to the beach. mcateer comes out carrying a bag of ice cubes. when they ask what he's doing he says: 'it's for the drinks on the beach.' they point out that the ice will melt long before they reach the beach, so he says: 'oh yeah, i'll go and get another one'.

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  21. Davido989
    • 15 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    What did the vine say to the poo?

    Berbinho's Forehead

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  22. Tinchy Sneijder
    • 11 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    DDG/Gilks
    Cahill/Debuchy/PvA/Bartley/Wisdom
    Mata/Fabregas/Siggy/Ramsey/Albrighton
    Roonpig/D.Costa/Bojan
    Any transfers with 2.0 in the bank?

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    1. Farcelona
      • 11 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Nah

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  23. emperikal
    • 15 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    a) Play Caulker and save my FT

    b) Bring Kelly in on my FT

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    1. ACCOUNTING ON CHRIS
      • 12 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      This is a joke forum, not a fantasy football forum, you've come to the wrong place, sorry.

      A

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      1. emperikal
        • 15 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        Haha so I've noticed 😉

        Cheers

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  24. BDMC5
    • 15 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    mata value to drop tonight?

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    1. TorresMagic™
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • Has Moderation Rights
      • 16 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Yeah 🙁

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    2. Hazard for Ballon D'or
      • 11 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      According to totalfpl yes

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    3. emperikal
      • 15 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Looking likely. Right at the 100% threshold atm

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    4. Wirtzle Gummidge
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 13 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      Yes.

      Bad dum tsk.

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    5. Kerz
      • 11 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      yes

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  25. Hazard for Ballon D'or
    • 11 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;

    The first fan blamed...: "I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we'd be a great club."

    The second fan blamed...: "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would score more goals."

    The third fan blamed...: "I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I'd be supporting a decent team."

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  26. DonTheSpecialOne
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 15 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    What's green and eats nuts?
    Syphilis.

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  27. The Machine
    • 12 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Why did everyone hand out with the mushroom?

    Because he was a funguy

    Open Controls
      • 12 Years
      11 years, 3 months ago

      *fungi
      🙄

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      1. The Machine
        • 12 Years
        11 years, 3 months ago

        Fun guy is pronounced fungi. My word

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        1. Fitzy.
          • 14 Years
          11 years, 3 months ago

          Hand is pronounced hang? If so I get it.

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  28. Adam West - Team Serbia for…
    • 15 Years
    11 years, 3 months ago

    Two Blondes walk into a building . You think one of them would have seen it

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