We’ve had our break, and enjoyed the distraction in the desert, but with the imminent return of FPL, it’s time to focus on the one tournament still missing in Messi’s trophy cabinet. There’s no need to panic; while FPL restarts on Boxing Day; SKLW hostilities don’t recommence until Friday 30 December (which is GW18 in FPL money). Here’s a brief summary of the position when we downed tools, and the upcoming fixtures, to get your juices flowing.
JULES LEAGUE
Cafu Good Men were the pacesetters at the break, with Neto that Hauland and Neymar-less Ones leading the chase, closely followed by I Gert Müller a Pint. At the other end, It’s a Wonderful Cruyff, Maradona Kebab, and Sweet 2FA are the teams most in need of a change of fortune. Here’s how they line up in Matchday 14.
NOT THAT EASY FERGUSO v QATAR HEROES
The Fergusos will be looking for home crowd support in their bid to avoid a third successive defeat, but they’ll have their work cut out against the resurgent Qatar Heroes, who were hitting the right notes even before they took time out to put on a show in the desert. Will it be an encore for the Qatar heroes, or is it Fergie time? Let’s hope it doesn’t go to penalties.
CAN YOU FEEL THE LÖW TONIGHT? v RUUD, WHERE’S MY KAHN
With only one win in the last six, the lowly Löws won’t be expecting much from their date with the Kahns, who are still eyeing the Champions League slots. I predict a smooth drive, with little cause for hitting top gear; but I also backed Harry Kane for the golden boot, so what do I know?
HAND OF ZOFF v SHEIKH’S DAYLIGHT ‘RIBERY’
The Zoffs have fallen off the pace of late, so it might be time to take the gloves off for the visit of the light-fingered Sheikhs, whose lowly position confirms that crime does not pay. I hope they appoint a strong ref for this one.
KING OTTO’S GRECIANS v SHEIKH, BLATTER AND RAUL
While their coffers have been replenished, Sheikh, Blatter and Raul probably won’t consider it necessary to spend it to grease the Grecians, but King Otto will have other ideas, and his minions will be looking to maintain their ascent from the cellar.
MARADONA KEBAB v MURDER ON ZIDANE’S FLOOR
With the Maradona brand slipping further into obscurity, a run of one win in six, and the cellar beckoning, the last thing you need is a visit from a troupe of prancing Zidanes scenting blood. I’ve booked a clean-up crew.
PETR CECH YOURSELF v SILENCE OF THE LAHMS
This is the quintessential clash of two mid-table teams that don’t like to make a fuss. Might as well shake hands on a draw now.
FONTAINE OF KNOWLEDGE v NETO THAT HAULAND
A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, but the Fontaines have full disclosure of the bulldozer coming their way as the Haulands continue to chase the top spot. It won’t be easy though, as the Fontaines are also on a run, and a fourth successive win would take them into the Champions League slots.
A. WENGER’S ENDGAME v FABIO CANNAVARIANCE
Having done their best to botch the next World Cup, the Wengers will be looking to fend off the competition for the Champions League berths. They also have the edge on current form, but Fabio Cannavariance will be looking to make a difference.
IT’S A WONDERFUL CRUYFF v KLOSE THAN EVER
It’s a winless Cruyff are stuck at the bottom, and nowhere near Klose Than Ever, who have their own aspirations of ‘Greyhead’ Cup of Glory fame. Can the Cruyffs turn it round, or will it be Klose?
NEYMAR-LESS ONES v CAMEROON DIAZ
The Neymar-less Ones are on an unbeaten run, and challenging for the top, but Cameroon Diaz are also performing like A-listers, so there might be something about this match-up.
CAFU GOOD MEN v SWEET 2FA
The Cafus are still top dogs, but following two successive defeats it’s been more like snafu of late. What you need in a situation like this is something small and harmless to pummel, so step forward Sweet 2FA, who are in 22nd place, and haven’t won since the autumn equinox.
I GERT MÜLLER A PINT v NO KOEMAN NO CRY
The 4th place Müllers, who are also the form team in the league, look more than capable of getting the tears flowing against No Koeman No Cry. It should be a lock-in, but that might just be the beer talking.
RIMET LEAGUE
In a groundbreaking achievement for the rodent community, it was Zlatan Ibra-hamster-vic who were leading the way at the break. Banyana-Bafana remain in contention; as are Lució and the Viking Seaman; and Fangs of Suarez are also scenting blood. At the other end, Vuvu Zizou have already been cut adrift, but Mercedes Benzema and Unbelievable Geoff can still recover if they get a wiggle on. A nice, easy fixture in Matchday 14 wouldn’t go amiss.
NUSANTARA GAUCHOS v VUVU ZIZOU
While Nusantara Gauchos have been blowing hot and cold lately, Vuvu Zizou have just been cold. It’s difficult to see the Gauchos being inconvenienced in their quest for a Champions League berth, but it will definitely be noisy.
PJANIC AT THE DISCO v ONE TCHOUAMENI
With both teams in good form, this should be a dance-off worth catching; and with home floor advantage, and a five-game winning streak, you have to think that the Pjanics will have the edge. Maybe an early chance of redemption for Les Bleus?
SON OF A GÜN v SHEARER’S BUNCH OF FLOWERS
Following a mishap working undercover with the BBC, the Klinsmann spooks have had their licence revoked, and have now been rebranded as Son of a Gün. I don’t know what the Florists will make of this, but I’m confused. Maybe they should focus on marking the man in the mask.
FANGS OF SUAREZ v UNBELIEVABLE GEOFF
Fangs of Suarez are in unbelievable form, and haven’t had their dinner yet, so I worry for the lowly Geoffs. Maybe they should hope for bad weather?
BAGGIO TROUSERS v SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!
A decent recent run has seen the Sevens climb out of the cellar, and they’ll fancy their chances of trousering the points in this match given the Baggios’ indifferent recent form. Maybe the belt tightening during the break will have the desired effect.
LUCIÓ AND THE VIKING SEAMAN v NETFLIX AND CHILWELL
The Luciós have been plundering at will lately, and it’s difficult to envisage the Netflix and Chillwell business model getting many subscribers on the high seas. Maybe they should buy the rights to Hornblower.
WERNER BROS v SHELBY COMPANY LIMITED
With Shelby stock on the rise, Werner Bros won’t be having it all their own way in this battle of corporate dark arts. Both teams are in good form, so we’ll have to see who makes the final cut.
GENTLEMAN’S GREALISH v HURRIKANE’S MEAN SON THREE LIONS
Two teams looking to consolidate their positions in the ‘Auto Select’ Cup of Variance, and with little current form to speak of, so expect this game to be last up on Match of the Day.
WEAH ROBBEN BANKS v RYAN’S RONALDOS
Weah Robben Banks have suffered some unexpected withdrawals of late, but will be looking to restore the balance against their lowly opponents. The Ronaldos have been characteristically below par, and will do well to take anything from this match.
BRITNEY’S QATAR POUNDER WITH GREAVES v MERCEDES BENZEMA
There hasn’t been much cheese or relish in the Britney camp lately, but a home game against a team that has lost five out of the last six, is about as juicy as fixtures get. Now all they need to do is win it, but the Benzemas will have something to say about that.
BANYANA – BAFANA v ZLATAN IBRA-HAMSTER-VIC
The fixture we’ve all been waiting for. Banyana-Bafana can go back to the top, and gain massive bragging rights, by sticking it to the Hamsters. Will Boris’ spreadsheet edge be nullified by unlimited transfers, or will we all be back on template by MD14? Either way, this is the match to watch.
CASH BANDICOOT FC v GARUDA IN COUPE DE MONDE 38
The Bandicoots can do themselves a whole lot of good by overcoming the Garudas, who are six places higher, but only three points ahead. Recent form suggests they have a chance, but the Garudas had more momentum going into the break. We’ll see.
As always, all the details on Teams, score history, and league tables are available at SKLW Scores 22/23; and you can feed your hopes and fears in real time by accessing Livescores by TopMarx throughout the Gameweek.
That’s all for now but to recap, while FPL resumes on 26 December (GW17), we don’t suit up for SKLW battle until GW18 (ie Matchday 14) on Friday 30 December. And to confuse you some more, we also get a break to celebrate the New Year, and fret about FA Cup injuries, which means that Matchday 15 commences on Friday 13 January (GW20).
Good luck and stay safe.
