Conte’s designs, Zlatan’s gravity and Firmino’s failings are among the highlights of a bumper edition of our quote compendium.
There’s also Anichebe, Friend and Eriksen, while Pep goes tackle out to round it all off.
Suits You, Signor
A great philosopher once declared that ‘every loser wins’.
No. Wait. That was former Eastenders heart throb Nick Berry.
He happens to be a Hammers’ fan, but his croony wisdom is coming true in West London for Chelsea boss Antonio Conte, who has revealed the secret behind his team’s incredible winning run.
“After the defeat against Liverpool, and also against Arsenal, it changed something in me, in the players, in the club. It was different. For this reason, we found the right solution, formation, but also to improve the quality of the work in all aspects. After these two bad games, we changed a lot. But I think the most important thing is our strong mentality. Also hard work during the week, tactical work, physical work, analysis work, good food.”
Formation? Hard work? No more chips? Come on Tony, we need some kind of analogy to spruce this up.
“I think, starting this season, the manager must be a tailor and try and find the right fit for the team. For sure, for me, it wasn’t easy to arrive and understand very quickly the characteristics of my players.”
Now you’re talking. So do you mean Savile Row or Chinese sweat shop?
“Dolce & Gabbana.”
That figures.
Pity we haven’t got time to ponder other manager/designer combos such as Pep Guardiola (Giorgio Armani) or David Moyes (George at Asda), because Antonio’s got interesting things to say about who’s going to stand in for the banned Diego Costa (10.8) on Boxing Day.
The obvious replacement is Michy Batshuayi (8.5).
“Michy has brought good quality, is very young, and he must work and improve and adapt his football.”
The young Belgian, who is owned by 1.1% of Fantasy Premier League managers, is yet to start in the league this season, scoring just the once from sporadic substitute appearances.
Is that enough for Conte to consider him the new, if temporary, Diego?
“He’s a good player but in England, he’s having a lot of difficulty to understand the game. I can see another example (of such a player) in Simone Zaza.”
Ouch. There’s being damned with faint praise, and then there’s being compared to Zaza (6.1) – it’s the centre forward equivalent of being called ‘as butch as Dale Winton’.
Tentative conclusion: Eden Hazard (10.4) may just play as a ‘false nine’ against Bournemouth.
Pat Does The Trick For Vic
Someone both butch and a centre forward is Victor Anichebe (4.7).
In Gameweeks 11 and 12, Big Vic racked up 23 points, and he ended up with more than 200,000 FPL managers to his name.
He’s still as cheap as chips, but he’s provided peanuts ever since and his ownership figures are slowly going south again as a result.
At least he knows what’s behind the recent slump.
“It’s becoming a lot more difficult. Teams are trying to stop our left-hand side of attack. Every game now, it’s really tough. Sometimes they are doubling up on me, they’ve got a guy in front, a guy behind, but that’s just part and parcel of the game.”
Anichebe considers the attention a compliment, and is happy to pass on a few good words of his own to his partner down the left, Patrick van Aanholt (5.0).
“He’s good one-on-one, and he’s good going forward. He’s a great outlet for us, and you can see the relationship we have on the left. He’ll give it to me, and then he’ll go round the side or come inside. It’s a good relationship, and hopefully if he can continue his good form, it will only benefit us.”
The Dutchman has as many goals and assists (three and one) as Anichebe and scored big last time out against Watford, with the winner and a clean sheet garnered from a more attacking role.
The striker is certainly happy to let his defensive mate take the glory.
“Honestly, I don’t care who scores more goals though as long as we can continue to get victories and continue to play well. Whether JD (Defoe) scores or Pat, it doesn’t matter. We need everyone to contribute.”
Van Aanholt’s ownership figures have stayed around the 4% mark all season, but if he continues to bomb forward and buddy up with Anichebe he could easily garner more attention, even if Sunderland’s forthcoming fixtures (Man United, Burnley and West Brom away and Liverpool and Stoke at home) are a decidedly mixed bag.
Undroppable, That’s What You Are
After such selflessness from Anichebe, the only logical place to go next is Planet Zlatan.
Any number of objects orbit the Swede, such is the gravitational pull of His ego, and Jose Mourinho is proving a bit of an enabler when it comes to bigging up the already colossal.
After a five-match barren spell, Ibrahimovic (11.4) is back to His best, with seven goals and an assist from His last six starts.
Jose, who knows a thing or two about making it all about himself, is currently happy to make it all about Himself.
Asked whether it was hard to leave Him out, Mourinho replied:
“Yes, it is. Especially a guy like Zlatan as a striker. Sometimes in other positions you can hide yourself a little more, protect yourself with experience and with position. As a striker he is one of the impossible positions where you can hide.”
The man Himself, meanwhile, has been getting in the Christmas spirit by talking about booze, albeit of the vintage variety.
“The older I get, the better I get, like red wine! I’m a perfect example of that. The older I get, the better I play. I’m settling in. I feel happy, I feel good. Even if I’m 35, in my mind I’m 20. I think I could play also at 50, but it’s not down to me.”
Those last six words suggest even Zlatan entertains the possibility of the existence of a higher power, which is supposedly what Christmas is all about. This therefore means that Christmas isn’t actually about booze either, however well-aged.
But in reality, for a footballer at least, it’s about trying to play three times in a week, and that is vexing Mourinho when it comes to Ibrahimovic.
“I am not surprised at how good Zlatan has been. I knew from the physical point of view he could resist but obviously he cannot play 60 matches. I must give him a rest. He was suspended against Arsenal, so that game he did not play. In some matches in the Europa League he was on the bench, also against Northampton (in the EFL Cup). So now and again I will find a way to give him a rest.”
Ibrahimovic’s already well-nourished ego has been given another ten-course meal this week as 300,000+ FPL managers have brought Him in for a run of fixtures that takes in Sunderland and Middlesbrough at home and a trip to West Ham before the FA Cup break.
The hope is that Zlatan is too big to drop for such winnable matches, and Jose’s parting shot should fuel that hope.
“As our target striker we can see he is the only one. And the way we normally play we need him.”
We need Him, Jose, Him.
With Friends Like These
As Zlatan would tell you, after Him the only way is down. So down we must go…to Middlesbrough.
To be fair to Boro, they’re actually on the up at the moment, with two wins and a draw from their last five matches, four goals from Alvaro Negredo (6.3) and back-to-back clean sheets at home.
A glance at their upcoming fixtures promises more of the same. A New Year’s Eve trip around Zlatan aside, Aitor Karanka’s crew will face Burnley and Watford away and host Leicester City, West Ham and West Brom before January 2017 winds down for the year.
Small wonder then that George Friend (4.4) has been viewed as a great way into the Boro defence. He’s cheap, has a couple of assists to his name and is a reliable starter.
At least he was until he got injured. Back from a five Gameweek lay-off, he’s now found his place taken by Fabio (4.4).
Buying into Boro’s defensive revival looks too good (and too cheap) to miss out on. The problem is deciding which bargain is going to play.
Karanka loves Friend…
“George is a leader even when he’s not in the squad. And when he’s in the changing room before the games he’s transmitting leadership. He’s an important player for us.”
…but only so much.
“But remembering how important he is for the team, the main thing for me is that Fabio is playing and he’s doing really well, and the team isn’t missing him (Friend).”
Talk about mixed messages. And what comes next is even worse for Fantasy managers.
“For a coach to have a player like George missing and now for Fabio to be playing and the team to be doing well, it’s good as the spirit of the team is the most important.”
Nope, knowing who is going to play so we can buy them is ‘the most important’, Mr K.
There’s a scenario where Fabio gets shifted to the right, Friend gets back into the side and Antonio Barragan (4.6) gets the big heave-ho.
That appeals because the first two are such good value. But if you want security, go for Ben Gibson – he’s played every single minute of the season to date. And yet he’s 4.9 and 8.7%-owned, so he’s pricey and lacks that sweet, sweet differential taste.
Tough decisions await and about the only thing certain is that agonising over which Middlesbrough defender to buy is pretty much what Fantasy Football is all about.
Bob’s Your Dodgy Uncle
Those managers who’ve been hanging on to Roberto Firmino (8.6) through his six-match dry spell have been doing plenty of agonising of their own.
As Liverpool’s midfield stars have risen, fallen and retreated to the treatment table, Bobby has soldiered on.
But his output has been as bad as his haircut since Philippe Coutinho (8.2) left him, and most of us, in the lurch.
And now current golden boy Adam Lallana (7.4 and three goals in as many starts) is here to tell us why.
“Any team is going to miss Philippe – he is one of the best players in the world. But Firmino, one of my favourite players, was brilliant, putting the team first and sacrificing things that he likes to do when he plays in another position. The team comes first all the time. We’re still learning and we’re learning to play without Philippe. But the sooner we can have him back, the better.”
Reports suggest ‘sooner’ could conceivably be ‘New Year’s Eve against Man City’.
More than 124,000 FPL bosses blinked and ditched Firmino last week and 25,000+ have followed suit since Saturday.
For the remaining 13.2% still on him, ‘sooner’ can’t come soon enough.
Onward Christian, Sharpish
Investment in Tottenham’s Christian Eriksen (8.6) has blossomed in almost direct proportion to Firmino’s decline, based on the Dane’s sparkling recent form of five goals and two assists in the last five Gameweeks.
But there’s always a nagging doubt that Eriksen is streakier than his nation’s bacon, and Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino hasn’t exactly allayed those fears with his latest pronouncement.
“He is an elite player. It’s true that he is young and can improve, but I think he is a very good player. Does he dominate games enough? That is a challenge for him. Maybe we need to go further and try to assess his personality, character, his position on the pitch, his quality.”
That’s not really what the 15.1% of FPL managers want to hear, particularly with a tricky Christmas schedule to come.
Watford away on New Year’s Eve looks good, a trip to Southampton before that and a home match with Chelsea afterwards…less so.
At least Pochettino isn’t giving up on Eriksen anytime soon.
“When you are in the starting 11 it is because the manager wants you, trusts in you and because the manager believes in you for what he wants to do. That is modern football today.”
Modern Fantasy Football today is rather less indulgent, however, even if the Spurs man has gone all of one match without a goal and an assist.
Finding a way past a Southampton defence that’s kept three consecutive clean sheets at St Mary’s would surely be enough to placate Pochettino and everyone else, wouldn’t it?
Tackling The Big Issue
And finally, a joke considerably funnier than any you’ll find in a cracker this Christmas – Man City’s defence.
With just three clean sheets in 17 attempts, it’s been the rearguard that puts the fun in ‘fundamentally awful’, and the 19.2% of managers who still own John Stones (4.8) are clearly only doing it for the laugh or because they’ve got other raging fires to put out.
Pablo Zabaleta (4.7) provided some value when he started getting used as a midfielder, but he’s gone and got himself injured now and can do nothing but talk about the defence.
“For that style of play, when you have a team that likes to play with a back four and a high line, and press high sometimes, you can be a little exposed at the back.”
A ‘little exposed’ is a ‘tiny under-statement’, but never mind – Pablo knows what needs to be done.
“As a team you need that determination and that desire to win the duels and to win the tackles.”
So, tackles it is then. Pep? What do you reckon?
“I’m not a coach for the tackles, so I don’t train the tackles. What I want is to try to play well and score goals. What’s tackles? We’re not going to win or lose for the tackles.”
Awkward.
Still, stopping Hull away and Burnley at the Etihad is a challenge even City’s defence can tack…rise to over the next three Gameweeks.
Isn’t it?
