Big Sam goes defensive, Arsene Wenger goes for Plan B and David Moyes goes ever so slightly doolally in our latest round-up of the best quotes from Planet Premier League.

Jurgen, Claude and Pep also have their say as we bid farewell to the footballing utterings of 2016 in fine style.

Big S Needs Some Big D

Sam Allardyce has been many things over the years: nasty moustache owner; long ball merchant; relegation dodger; potential keynote speaker at questionable Far East conferences.

But there is an enduring myth that he brings defensive excellence to his teams.

At Sunderland last year, his side still conceded goals, on average, more frequently than previous bosses Martin O’Neill (understandably) and Gus Poyet (barely credibly).

Now he’s in charge of a Crystal Palace back line with all the solidity of a sherry trifle – and rather less pace.

But Allardyce is clear where his priorities lie.

“Keep sorting the defence out. We’ve had one clean sheet all season, and that’s my main priority. We’ve got a team that creates chances. I need to make sure those chances turn performances into three points, so it is about defensive work, shutting out the opposition.”

Only two teams – Swansea City and Hull City – have conceded more than the 33 goals Palace have shipped thus far this season, so Big Sam’s got a big job on his hands, so to speak.

A glance at the Eagles’ upcoming fixtures offers promise, a New Year’s Day trip to the Emirates aside.

After that, things brighten considerably, with a home clash against Swansea kicking things off on January 3.

So clean sheets could be on the cards. And a new penalty taker.

Christian Benteke’s (7.7) feeble effort at Watford effectively cost Allardyce a win on his debut and he’s already mulling over a way to deal with that.

“I’ll have to wait and see on the penalties and look on that in the week and see if someone else is confident enough to take penalties. Missing two (out of four) is obviously not very good. I didn’t say anything to him (Benteke) – he’s disappointed enough missing it. It happens, doesn’t it. We have to try and find somebody who scores them like Mark Noble at West Ham, I think he has only missed something like one in 26. You’ve got to convert them.”

We could take that to literally mean Noble (6.2) will be Palace’s first winter signing. Or we could be wiser and eye up Yohan Cabaye (5.6 and only 1.1%-owned) for that kindly run of fixtures.

David Turns To The Goliaths

‘Defence is the best form of attack’, as no-one said ever. Until David Moyes, that is.

The Sunderland supremo has rarely been accused of letting his teams play to the rhythm of the samba – unless it’s a Talbot Samba, maybe – but the Black Cats’ paltry return of 16 goals from 18 matches is low even by Moyes’ Spartan standards.

The 24.3%-owned Jermain Defoe (7.7), who’s been involved in 11 of those 16 strikes, hasn’t scored in four Gameweeks and only the 2017 European City of Culture and Inevitable Relegation, Hull, have managed fewer goals than Sunderland.

So when your primary attacking source runs dry, the future looks…dull.

Fortunately, Moyes has A Cunning Plan.

Where other, entirely predictable, bosses might look to score more goals through such naive fripperies as ‘attacking more’ or ‘taking the odd risk’, the red-head honcho prefers to lump it up to the big man…at the back.

“I used to get my fair share from centre-half. My target every season was to get 10, honestly, unbelievably. But I was always good to get five or six goals, that’s why I’m so focused on us not scoring.”

Desperate times often lead to desperate measures. Desperate Dave, however, is already picking holes in his own desperate strategy.

“The truth is they don’t look like it at the moment, even when the delivery has been on the money. There seems to be no guarantee what part of the head it comes off.”

I’m no doctor, but surely what part of the head the ball comes off is immaterial – as long as it ends up in the net. The ball, not the head chunk.

Moyes continues to unconvince when singling out centre-half Papy Djilobodji (4.3) for special mention.

“Papy is good in the air.”

Promising.

“But he doesn’t seem to be able to do it when there are people around him.”

Oh.

“We are trying all sorts to find another way of scoring.”

Desperate times indeed.

Dial B For Giroud…

One of the most consistent criticisms levelled at Arsene Wenger, aside from a total inability to zip up his gargantuan Puffa coat, is that his Arsenal team never has a ‘Plan B’.

This, much like the rapper of the same name, is questionable, as Wenger proved by starting Olivier Giroud (8.5) for the first time this season in the win over West Brom.

The Frenchman duly scored the winner, suggesting that Alexis Sanchez (11.9) and his 37.0% of FPL managers might have to brace themselves for an extended spell back out wide.

Wenger, however, is not so sure.

“We are not in an administration here. We are in a competition. You do not have ‘your place’, like a seat that you buy with a season ticket.”

That’s probably just as well – even Arsenal’s multi-millionaires would struggle to afford one of those at the Emirates Stadium.

“We are competing and I think if I have only one striker, everybody says ‘What are you doing, you have only one striker?!’ So you need two or three strikers and we have (Danny) Welbeck coming back.”

This seems to give both comfort and concern to Sanchez’s owners in equal measure – kind of ‘Giroud is not guaranteed his place instead of you Alexis. No, Welbeck can have it instead’.

But Wenger gets to the heart of the matter eventually.

“So most of the time I will have to make the decision considering the opponent we play. Like today (versus West Brom), I knew it would be deep and that in the air could be a solution. So I have to make the right decisions.”

Arsenal have a great run of fixtures for Wenger to attempt those decisions, including at least three – Palace, Burnley and Watford at home – in which the visitors are likely to drop as deep as the Baggies.

That could mean more Giroud time to come, marking him out as a 1.4%-owned differential of real potential.

Sanchez, who failed to deliver either a goal or an assist against West Brom after five previously productive Gameweeks, might be the one to suffer.

…While F Is For Klopp

Liverpool are finally settling nicely into life without Philippe Coutinho (8.2).

After a defeat and a draw from the first two fixtures that the midfielder missed with an ankle injury, the Reds have now won three straight matches – just as well seeing as the Brazilian is currently not expected back before the middle of January.

All that time out has prompted Jurgen Klopp to wax lyrical about his injured star.

“In 2016 he has made the next step for sure. He has been very consistent. I think our style of play fits really well with him. We had a few talks about it. Of course with Phil’s skills, everyone wants to give him the ball and wait for something special to happen.”

And then he waxes rather more industrial.

“Then you think ‘oh no, don’t shoot again’. But if I could shoot like he could shoot then I would try it all the time. I’d get up in the morning and just shoot the ****ing ball around in the garden or something. It’s outstanding how good he is.”

Small wonder that the Reds struggle to keep clean sheets with such a potty mouth in charge, but under his earthy tutelage, Liverpool continue to offer a credible challenge to the all-conquering Chelsea.

Coutinho should be back for a huge Gameweek 23 match with the Blues on January 31, with Klopp revealing just how he’s helped the Brazilian grow this season.

“I told him that he could help us more and we could help him more when we do very simple passing to create better situations and have the opportunity to finish in different kind of ways. That’s given us a real boost in terms of development. It took a little bit of responsibility off his shoulders so he could play more freely of expectations and pressures. All that stuff. He’s made a big, big step.”

Can Coutinho hit the ground running on his return from injury? We certainly ****ing hope so.

All Saints Must Score

Southampton have clearly built from the back this season – only Chelsea, with 11, have kept more clean sheets than the Saints’ seven.

At the other end of the pitch, however, it’s been a very different story.

The 18 goals they’ve managed betters only the inoffensive dregs of the likes of Hull and Sunderland, prompting coach Claude Puel to demand contributions across the park in the continued absence of top scorer Charlie Austin (6.5).

“For me it’s important all the players can score, not just the strikers. It’s a mentality and it’s important to make progress in this.”

Skipper Virgil van Dijk (5.8) certainly heeded the call against Spurs, opening the scoring with his first strike of the season.

But Puel wants his midfielders – and in particular, stand-in striker Jay Rodriguez (6.3) – to do their bit.

“I would like all my midfielders to score and make assists and bring more to our offensive play. They have all the technical qualities to make this progress. It’s important for Jay and also for the other players to try different things to surprise the opponents. For me it’s an obligation to make dribbles, assists, to try something. With all these chances it’s important to become clinical. I hope Jay will continue this work.”

Puel views the ridiculously busy Christmas schedule as a chance for his squad to shine, and Rodriguez certainly did that with a Gameweek 17 brace at Bournemouth.

The England international now hopes Puel, who has started him in three of the last four matches, will keep the faith.

“All I want to do is play football. It’s all about getting a feel on the pitch for when to run and how you make your runs. You get a rhythm in the game. If you’ve had many games, you fall into a pattern of how to play. It’s about getting hold of that. If you’re in for a game and thinking you might be out for the next game it’s difficult.”

Southampton now have a great run ahead of them, with home matches against West Brom, Leicester and West Ham and trips to Everton, Burnley, Swansea and Sunderland before the end of February.

Owned by just 0.6% of FPL bosses, Rodriguez could be the one to benefit at a time when Dusan Tadic (7.0) has fallen out of favour, having started one of the last seven, and Sofiane Boufal (6.8) is off to the Africa Cup of Nations with Morocco next month.

But with that pedigree at the back, the most likely candidate for good returns remains van Dijk – and he’s already a 13.9%-owned asset.

Pep’s Got Time For Sterling

Raheem Sterling’s (7.6) ownership figures have been going up and down like his post-Brexit namesake in recent weeks.

He hit a high of more than a million managers in Gameweek 7, only to slump to just over 330,000 by Christmas.

His popularity is now edging up again on the back of a goal, three assists and a couple of bonus points over the last three Gameweeks and Pep Guardiola wants more.

“Of course, he is not our top scorer, but he has to feel how beautiful it is to score goals – how important it is for the team and for him as well. In the last game he came back to the level he started the season. The last month-and-a-half he was a little bit down. But you can forget again how young he is and he needs to have a lot of experience to become more stable.”

That suggests Guardiola is keen to give him that experience – by giving him lots of starts. He certainly views him as an important part of the team.

“He scored a beautiful goal in the last game and he gave us a lot, especially during the first month-and-a-half. He was our key player up front and of course we need him.”

Aside from the fact that Pep now seems to only view time in terms of months-and-a-half, the future looks more up than down for Sterling.

He’s currently the most-owned City midfielder in the game, just edging out perennial favourite Kevin De Bruyne (10.7) – the Belgian has gone an almost incredible 13 matches (or two lots of a month-and-a-half in Pep Time) without a goal, although he has managed seven assists to sweeten the pill.

If he is to continue to build on this latest ownership spurt, Sterling will need to overcome some major challenges in the weeks ahead.

First up is a New Year’s Eve trip to Anfield that promises little good cheer from the crowd towards the ex-Red. There’s also a Gameweek 22 home match against Spurs looming.

And then there’s the return of Sergio Aguero (12.8) which will surely consign Sterling to his traditional flank role and his traditional risk of rotation.

Until all that’s sorted, the jury remains out on the England man.

On the bright side, that’s only about two-thirds of a month-and-a-half.