Say What?

Mourinho’s mathematically inconstant, Big Sam’s unsexy and Hazard’s not one for humility – Say What? returns with many a quote of note.

There’s also Kane on Alli, Puel on Tadic and Sanchez on a downer. All is revealed below…

You Do The Mourinho Maths

It used to be a given that to achieve a position of real power and influence required certain key attributes: a ruthless yet pragmatic ambition; an aura of statesmanlike gravitas and ten years at Eton.

These days, all you need is a ton of cash, an ego the size of Alan Shearer’s self-regard and the ability to say something one week that you completely contradict the next.

And so it is with Jose Mourinho.

Last week, he was all ‘rotation this’ and ‘Europa League takes priority’ that, with his ‘we’ll keep doing that league thing while it’s still mathematically possible’ shtick fooling no-one.

This, understandably, set the alarm bells ringing in our over-heated Fantasy minds as we worked out how to accommodate the likes of Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Antonio Valenica in our squads if Jose was going to bet the house on a competition that regularly treats us to FC Metalist Kharkiv of a Thursday evening.

But now he’s come out with this:

“There is no reason not to try while it’s mathematically possible. If on a certain moment of the season we have no chances to get top four and we are still in the Europa League, then nobody can criticise.”

Seeing as United have had more stalemates than an over-80s dating app, the maths is already against them, but Mourinho was warming to his theme by then.

“When it is still mathematically possible to finish in the top four, I think if we play against Chelsea with our second team you would kill me. The football country would kill me.”

They’d also have to join a queue containing Sergio Ramos, Chelsea’s former club doctor and Luke Shaw’s mum, among others, but the thing that’s killing us is the uncertainty.

United’s double Gameweek involves a trip to Burnley (0-0 anyone?) and an even shorter hop over to the Etihad for a 6-6 thriller in which newly-converted City goalkeeper Jesus Navas will score a hat-trick.

Before those two fixtures comes the second leg of the Red Devils’ Europa League quarter-final with Anderlecht.

The 30%-owned Zlatan reminded us all of his credentials when he hit a double-digit score against Sunderland last week for the first time since Gameweek 18. And Valenica (16.3%) offers the prospect of a clean sheet at Turf Moor as well as attacking returns against Pep Guardiola’s current 0-9-1 formation.

But will either of them figure if United lose at home to Chelsea on Sunday and Mourinho finally accepts that his best chance of Champions League football next season lies abroad, not Burnley?

Let’s hope things are a lot clearer following tonight’s first leg in Belgium and the Sky Sports Supersized Sensational Soccer Sunday Showdown at Old Trafford.

Another United player making a case for double duties in Gameweek 34 is Henrikh Mkhitaryan.

The 2.4%-owned Armenian was among the goals in the 3-0 win over Sunderland and has little competition among the side’s attacking midfielders while Juan Mata remains out with a groin injury.

Mkhitaryan has just four league goals to his name this season, although he’s only started 11 matches, and he’s now hoping for more.

“I am always happy to score, not only to score but also to assist; it doesn’t matter to me. I am always working and I want to score as many goals as I can. Scoring goals is always enjoyable.”

He also concedes he’s not at his best just yet.

“I still have places where I can improve and room to improve. I know myself very well and I am sure than I can do better, and I will do better, because I am confident. I want to say that, for next year, I am going to have more goals and more assists.”

It would be good, however, if he starts producing next year’s form maybe, say, now.

One person not overly burdened with a sense that he needs to improve is a certain ‘quietly confident’ Swede.

Zlatan’s latest self-examination has produced an interesting diagnosis – and that’s coming from a man who has compared himself to Alexander the Great and a horse this season.

“The older you are, the more experienced, the more intelligent you are and you don’t waste energy on things you don’t need. I feel like Benjamin Button. I was born old and will die young.”

And so Ibrahimovic becomes the latest footballer to be immortalised by Hollywood, joining such illustrious figures as Pele (Escape To Victory), Cantona (Elizabeth) and Moyes (A History Of Violence).

Here’s hoping Gameweek 34 is more Stardust than Double Jeopardy.

Big Sam Bucking Up Palace

The words ‘sexy’ and ‘Allardyce’ go together like ‘United Airlines’ and ‘customer care’.

But who cares when he’s in charge of a team in rare form and with an upcoming double Gameweek to occupy our minds, much like the image of an oiled-up Big Sam in a sequinned mankini is now occupying yours.

And while you reach for the mental bleach, check out the man’s rationale for the Palace turn-around, now at five wins from six.

“The key element for me was to stop conceding goals, which has a pretty negative vibe about it in the game sadly. It’s critical for all football clubs but rarely gets talked about because it isn’t fashionable and it isn’t sexy, but it is key to success.”

Being six points clear of the drop zone is gratification enough for Palace fans, I’d wager, particularly as their recent run has included famous victories over Chelsea and Arsenal.

That’s just as well when Gameweek 34 involves a trip to Anfield and a visit from Spurs, but the team’s new-found confidence extends to the manager as well.

“I think that the changes have been slower than expected, but it hasn’t been that slow really in terms of being a new manager and doing it in the space of just more than two months. It looks like we are in a good place to get it done in the end now.”

Wilfried Zaha (11.7%) and Christian Benteke (7.5%) have been the key Fantasy assets finding their way into our squads, and more than 100,000 new managers have taken the plunge on one or the other this week.

The 1.9%-owned Andros Townsend, who brought in 14 points against Arsenal, is also attracting interest as a great differential option should he be fit for Saturday’s home match with Leicester City.

But there’s another midfielder who’s being seriously overlooked.

Luka Milivojevic has been bought by a mere 519 managers so far, although that actually doubles his ownership to a massive just-about-0.1%.

Now that’s a differential. And a 5.0 penalty-taking one at that.

The Serbian’s first goal for the Eagles came when he converted a spot-kick against the Gunners, bringing him a nine-point haul that was at least partially made in the dressing room.

“I didn’t see that Christian (Benteke) wanted it. I didn’t go to get the ball first. We had some rules in the dressing room – I had been put forward to take it, because I practise a lot. If we get another penalty, of course I would take it.”

In three home matches, the defensive midfielder has helped his team to three wins, three clean sheets and now that one goal.

He’s cheap, barely owned and has another three home matches (including a clash with travel-sick Burnley) over the next four fixtures.

He might not be a sexy choice, but he and Palace are clearly not troubled by such things.

Zladen Ibrahazarvic (And Friends)

Chelsea reacted to their shock home loss to Palace in the best possible way – securing back-to-back victories over Man City and Bournemouth.

Central to that bounce-back has been Eden Hazard, who’s banged in three goals and consecutive double-digit returns that have edged him ever closer to Fantasy Premier League’s top points scorer Alexis Sanchez.

It takes a degree of arrogance to be an A* player among the alpha males of the Premier League, and the Belgian went Full Zlatan by claiming he knew he was going to score at Bournemouth on Saturday evening.

“You have teams that you know before the game that you can score, or that it’s your team. I remember in France I always scored against the same teams, but if you want to be a top player, you have to score against every team. It was a good goal, I like to score against them (Bournemouth). I scored two goals against them here last season.”

It doesn’t says much for the Cherries defence if they let Hazard score twice last year – he was, remember, about as threatening as an angry lettuce – but it’s a totally different story at the moment.

Four goals and an assist from his last four starts is testament to that, and his ownership is slowly closing in on the previous peak of more than 1.6 million achieved just before the mid-season mark.

Chelsea’s run-in is sufficiently pleasant to easily justify the 10.4 outlay required to secure Hazard’s short-term services at least, despite the fact that the Blues could perhaps be liable to rotation around double Gameweek 37 should they have the league wrapped up by that point.

What part Diego Costa plays in all of that is rather more open to debate.

His assist for the opener at Bournemouth came courtesy of a horribly mis-hit shot that was more clown shoe than Golden Boot, symptomatic of a man whose ownership has dropped off almost as much as his form.

Two goals in nine matches – and none since Gameweek 27 – has persuaded more than 200,000 managers to jump ship in recent weeks and a further 60,000 have mutinied ahead of the weekend.

But Cap’n Conte remains resolutely on board.

“Do I need to speak to him? No, no, no. I speak with all my players and, if I’m not happy with someone’s commitment or behaviour, then I would speak to him. For me, the most important thing is he is showing me great commitment and behaviour during the games, and is doing what I want. A player like Diego Costa can score in every game, and I’m sure he can do this.”

The thing is, Antonio, he isn’t.

Zlatan is. Sergio is. Harry’s about to again. But Diego isn’t.

And he costs 10.4 that could be spent elsewhere. Like on Hazard. Or even on another Chelsea goalscorer, Marcos Alonso.

The Iberian Leighton Baines curled in a beautiful free-kick at Bournemouth to offset the pain his 15.8% ownership base had been experiencing through nine consecutive failures to keep a clean sheet.

The man himself then revealed the precision guidance/’banter’ he received from his team-mates as he lined up the set-piece.

“Yeah, I hit the post twice already (in previous matches). When I took the ball, everyone was saying, ‘please, one inch lower’…I was very happy because it was the goal which gave us the peace to relax and make the game more comfortable. So happy for that and hopefully more to come.”

‘Please, one inch lower’ has a John Terry gag bursting to emerge from it, but we need to move on to the fact that it’s five goals for Alonso now this season, four of which have come since Gameweek 21.

Diego’s managed three over the same period…

A Messi, And A Mess

From the Spanish Baines to the North London Messi – Harry Kane.

Not my words, but Mauricio Pochettino’s.

“Whether Harry plays from the beginning or not, I think there is no doubting that Harry is our best player. It’s like with Barcelona – if Messi is injured for one month but Barcelona are still winning. Then Messi is available again and you say: Mmmm, I don’t know!”

Mmmm, we do know, actually. You only hesitate at Barca because you’ve got Suarez and Neymar to lighten the load. At Spurs, there’s Vincent Janssen.

Kane, meanwhile, has been busy bigging up the already colossal Dele Alli, a midfielder with 16 league goals to his name this season.

I like to think the following interview involved Janssen standing close by, a fixed grin on his face and the sound of bells tolling deep and mournful in his fractured soul.

“Dele is a fantastic player. You saw it last season and you’re seeing it this season. He has added a lot more goals to his game this year which is important for him and the team.”

(A chill wind whips across Vincent’s psyche)

“I said earlier in the season that if you want to be title contenders, you need two or three players getting double figures. If more than one player can reach 20 goals this season, it will really help the team.”

(Glass shatters on the cold and unyielding floor of his id)

“I told him to try to catch me. I have told him to try to get that 20-goal mark in the league, which is unbelievable for a midfielder. For Dele to get 16 league goals this season is amazing. Hopefully he can get to 20, I can get to 25 and we will see what happens.”

(A one-way ferry ticket to Holland flutters by)

If Alli (34.7%) can get to 20 and Kane (10.8%) to 25, what will happen is that any number of Fantasy teams will be awash with green arrows – the pair sit eighth and second respectively in the transfers-in table this week.

Kane, in particular, will surely gain a huge extra following as Spurs continue their goal-heavy but probably fruitless pursuit of Chelsea.

As for Janssen, 38,385 FPL managers continue to feel his pain.

From Bust-Up To Love-In

Southampton players will be keeping us interested for the rest of the season, what with their eight matches and two double Gameweeks still to come.

But who’s going to get the goals that could make Gameweeks 36 and 37, in particular, pivotal ones for our Fantasy chances?

Claude Puel can think of one person – the same chap who very publicly whinged about being subbed off all the time not so long ago.

“Dusan (Tadic) has had a very good second half of the season. The first half was difficult but he’s come back with very good character, quality and spirit. He works for the team, he takes on players and he can play it simple and give good assists.”

Assists are not the issue – Tadic has four of those from his last six starts. Goals, however…

“He can score often. He has good feet and he can try more in this position. It is important for him and us.”

Tadic scored eight times last season, but has only three so far this campaign.

Nathan Redmond has managed that in the last five matches, and has six overall, while even James Ward-Prowse is getting in on the scoring act, with two from his last four starts.

Southampton’s run-in is as tough as it is busy – they still have to face every single one of the current top five before the last match of the season.

Goals have been their Achilles heel. Leicester, Palace and even Swansea have managed more than the 37 they’ve scored to date.

Should the 2.1%-owned Tadic start addressing his, and his team’s, scoring shortcomings, he’s a differential waiting to happen.

It’s All Weighing Heavy On Alexis

The only thing waiting for Alexis Sanchez at the moment seems to be a taxi ready to whisk him away from the Emirates.

Currently stuck in a left-wing rut of Corbynesque proportions, the Chilean has given a soul-searching interview that will not necessarily delight the 25.8% of us who are desperately hoping he comes good in time for Arsenal’s eight-match run-in that includes easy pickings aplenty AND a double Gameweek 36.

Not when he says things like…

“Looking at everything I’ve done in my career as a footballer, at all the titles, I believe that what’s hugely important is motivation.”

The Alexis Sanchez who has now gone three matches without a goal or an assist is looking horribly demotivated at the moment.

But all is not lost.

“It’s the joy you get from your family and from those close to you that motivates you. That gives you the push you need to get better. So even if a match has gone badly, you don’t let it get to you and you move forward. As a footballer, everything you’ve achieved can easily be lost and then you are nobody. That’s just how life is and that’s why you shouldn’t let things get you down.”

Better. Until…

“That’s the reason I treat every match like a final.”

A final match for Arsenal, presumably.

Not that you can blame him when he’s been usurped for the central role that took him to the top of the FPL points chart by Danny ’13 points in five starts’ Welbeck.

Sanchez remains philosophical about it all, though, doing his best Cantona impression as he goes.

“Life is like a pair of scales. One minute you can be right up there and the next really low.”

Those scales currently have Alexis on the left of them and the rest of the team weighing him down across the enormous swathes to his right.

Arsene Wenger is many things: professorial; driven; ziptard. He’s also incredibly stubborn.

Those fixtures are crying out for a fully-firing Sanchez to become, quite literally, Arsenal’s central figure again. We need Wenger to ditch his Welbeck experiment.

If not, 11.6 is too much money not being spent at the exact moment in the season when time is an even more precious commodity.