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Which Fantasy Football Manager Are You?

These international breaks are a killer. Normally we’d be spending Friday afternoon rinsing our brains for Scout Picks but today we’re left hanging, having to ponder another weekend without the ride on the gameweek rollercoaster.

The temporary boredom got me thinking. I started to analyse the Fantasy managers I’d known, the Fantasy manager I’ve been in the past, and the one I’d become.

I’d read throwaway articles where football managers had been put in boxes – pigeon holed for our convenience. Could we indulge in such pointless merriment with Fantasy Football managers too? Too damn right we could.

If you can’t find yourself amongst this lot (I’ve been at least two of these in my time) – we’re pretty certain you’ll recognise one or two of your mini-league rivals.

The Reluctant Scholar

A self-proclaimed expert in the beautiful game – he’s the guy in the office who always has an opinion and is keen to promote themselves as a football academic. They religiously rise for the “Sunday Supplement” but eagerly dismiss Soccer AM as “laddish” and “vulgar”. In truth, they wrestle with an unnatural fascination with Helen Chamberlain and struggle to understand some of the long words that Brian Woolnough comes out with.

They will likely see Fantasy Football as ridiculously trivial; in reality it’s a threat to them. They’ll show willing at first, paying a great deal of attention to their initial squad selection but then, once they are outside the early front-runners, they’ll see it as a slight on their credentials as an “expert”. They’ll then dismiss it as a distraction, something they don’t have time for, and reject all theories that their early season “form” is down to a lack of knowledge or foresight.

When next season comes around, they’ll try to convince you that they’ll come good as they have time to take it more seriously. Once they invest as much time in it as you, they’d almost certainly destroy you and you puny team. They won’t – they’ll do exactly the same all over again but smugly point out that Oliver Kay is amongst their followers on Twitter.

The Part Time Pete


Typically they show a fleeting interest in football. Often a “supporter” of Manchester United or a Chelsea fan who has yet to notice that Jose Mourinho has left, they’ll have enough in their locker to pick obvious Fantasy targets but will struggle for the hidden gems.

Sadly, this type of Fantasy manager can be hugely frustrating since, on occasions, their propensity to pick big names can pay off spectacularly. If the cards fall kindly for them, they can be early season pacesetters who will enjoy their moment in the sun and, for just a period, begin to put in that extra bit of effort. Start badly however, and these guys will fall by the wayside – get easily frustrated by a few Wayne Rooney blanks and – after a short burst of knee jerks, with transfers flying aimlessly, ultimately give up until next season.

The Assistant Manager


An extremely dangerous opponent – not least because of the damage they can do to your reputation should they finish above you. In the classic case, they’ll be a very unlikely threat to the mini-league crown and you’ll be naive enough to write them off immediately for someone who will be far too distracted to threaten.

However, they’re actually just a puppet. A figurehead for a Fantasy Football mastermind pulling their strings behind the scenes and orchestrating decisions with a baffling level of precision.

The early signs will be obvious – the inclusion of some players with strong pre-season form, an uncharacteristically wise early transfer. If you can keep them in mid-table, the evil genius shaping their season may lose interest. Should they hit the top early on however, the prospects aren’t good – the lure of Fantasy Football glory by proxy will likely have kicked in. You’re heading for humiliation.

The Director of Football


Frankly, you’re not sure who this guy is when you see the league table. You think he works in IT – the guy who brought your monitor around last summer. There’s no obvious signs that they even liked football. No club crest on his mug. No interest in the banter aired. You’re pretty certain he spends his nights raiding in Azeroth, rather than down the pub in front of the Monday kick-off.

In reality the guy is a football genius – those years spent shivering on the sidelines, clutching a carrier bag, running the line for the school team while the “big boys” take the glory and the girls were spent wisely. While his peers stacked bedroom shelves with pointless junior trophies, he filled his with Rothmans Football yearbooks. He’s got spreadsheets informing him on his next nine transfers and he’s already cracked your cache and has the password to your team. You’re pretty much his plaything.

The Tracksuit Manager


As far as experience is concerned, this guy will initially appear well-versed. Sadly, however, his success in the past may have been founded on the ineptitude of others and a half-arsed Fantasy game that requires very little expertise beyond a fortuitous initial selection.

They’ll start the season by talking the talk and then, as the weeks of missing Match of the Day due to Saturday’s “beering and leering”, they’ll begin to fire off excuses for their miserable mid-table slide to obscurity.

Tales of injury problems – claims that Florent Malouda should be playing and the classic – “this game is not as good as the one I used to play” will be presented as excuses.

Unfortunately, once the cracks are gaping, they could then proclaim that Fantasy football is for geeks and dismiss those who have time to take it seriously as “saddoes”; they may even dig up the old “Statto” moniker.

Don’t fret about this. They’ll spend the next Saturday night, and each one thereafter, inebriated before going home for further “self-abuse” in front of the Hollyoaks Omnibus on Sunday, that plays out on their inappropriately massive flat panel bought on credit.

The Loyal Fanatic

Ferocious football supporters, these guys seem an obvious threat for the mini-league crown. They greedily swig football news with their morning coffee, drinking down the latest transfer rumours and tittle-tattle. They’re clued up, merchandised up and fully prepared for season ahead.

There’s one problem however – they’re so wrapped up in their own team, they’re blinkered to the potential of everything else around them.

They’ll definitely recruit their own team’s new centre-forward, and probably a defender too. They’ll also draft any former favourites who may have flown the nest out of some ridiculous emotional attachment. They won’t shift from their stance and the very idea of signing players from their team’s bitter rivals evokes nausea. They really don’t care that he’s scored two consecutive hat-tricks – he wears red and there’s no place for that in their team.

As a famous lord of the Sith once said – “your faith in your friends is your weakness”. Will they take heed? Of course they bloody won’t – they’ve got the club’s wooly bobble hat pulled over their eyes and ears.

The Diligent Underperformer


They study the form. The fixtures. The combinations. They know who rotates with who, and when. All in all, they know their stuff. If asked for advice, they dish out the sensible options and always have reason to back this up. Yet when it comes to making their decisions, they’re their own worst enemy; there’s this voice in their heads that persuades them that the nailed-on, obvious option is all of a sudden too safe. If there’s a stroke of genius up for grabs, they’ll desperately try to reach for it, often ignoring the bleedin’ obvious in the process.

Their knowledge becomes a hindrance rather than a help; it sparks unnecessary risks creating scenarios that could cover them in glory should they come off. Fantasy football is often a simple game but they laugh at such a theory, their logic is never flawed. Their position never top.

The Born Again Christian Gross


They used to play a bit. Back when it was in the paper. When they weren’t tinkering with Championship Manager on the Amiga, they were phoning through their Fantasy transfers and plotting their next move. Then distractions took over. A career. A relationship. A child. Evil life trinkets that diverted them from the path of glory.

Now their eyes have been opened; suddenly a monster has been created. That one email requesting participation in the mini-league has sparked something uncontrollable. The kid hates him. “Relations” with the wife are limited to birthdays and anniversaries and the job went to pot when Graham was promoted. This guy is back in the game and the hunger and enthusiasm is insatiable.

It’s as if Fantasy Football offers a crumb of comfort as he battles to hold off an early mid-life crisis. They can’t afford a Porsche and having an affair scares the life out of him. Winning the mini-league though – that would be pretty good. That would show ‘em.

Mark Mark created the beast. He's now looking to tame it.

645 Comments Post a Comment
  1. Egg noodle
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    This article is fantastic, Mark. Really appreciate your creativity.

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    1. Menly
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Well said

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  2. Syd.
    • 15 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    WTF... International Break..

    How many is that been this season??

    Need to amuse oneself by some other means...

    PS.. I am none of the above... Just a maverick but brilliant manager with no luck..

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    1. 4vets
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Please keep those needs to yourself.

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      1. kennethrhcp
        • Fantasy Football Scout Member
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        he can use a different website 4 that 🙂

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    2. kennethrhcp
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      even tho we (ireland) are in the playoffs, international breaks are so boring!

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      1. alsybach
        • 14 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        how can they be boring if your team is in the play offs???.......you my friend are not a football fan.........

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        1. kennethrhcp
          • Fantasy Football Scout Member
          • 13 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          i beg 2 differ my goodman, i love football! i just find watching us at international football very boring. 4nil was a great result but awful game 2 watch. have u watched ireland play?

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  3. Corrigan
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    What are people's favourite podcast quotes? I'll throw my 2p's worth in:

    Mark: ''...just finishing my lunch...sausage and chips...tofu, if the girlfriend's listening...''

    -

    Granville laments on a season with an allergy to points: ''...and in UCL I sold a player who then scored 10 points...''

    Mark: ''oh Granville...I think we're going to have to start an appeal or something...''

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    1. Epic Fail
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      I don't really remember any. I just listen and forget about it 2 days later.

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    2. alsybach
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      i have never listened to one!!

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  4. CFCTom
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Anyone been watching Atletico Madrid this season? Courtois is looking immense.

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  5. CFCTom
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Also, Portugal game on ITV4 for anyone who didn't know.

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      unfortunately i will have to watch the ireland game

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    2. jayzico
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      nice one mate. you just made my night! thought scotland cyprus was all that was on terrestrial and its doing my f**kin head in. kenny miller. great goal. whatever. you need a whole new football association scotland. end of.

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  6. Evil Greg
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    enjoyed reading that

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  7. kennethrhcp
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    funny stuff!!! great read... so many ppl pop in to my mind for the "The Reluctant Scholar" 🙂

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  8. CFCTom
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Begovic, Dzeko, Nani, Moutinho, Ronaldo, Pereira, Pepe, Coentrao, Meireles all playing. Worth a watch.

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    1. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Ireland match worth watching for Walters alone.

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    2. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      true yeah with the girlfriend at work i think ill have the irish game on tv and stream portugal game

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    3. Nomar
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Sadly, for all the talents on show this Portugal Bosnia game is pants.

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  9. BD948
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Bendtner or Sturridge or Klasnic or someone else in that price range?

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    1. Elniñorules
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Studge...but wait for his price drop.

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  10. Elniñorules
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Just noticed Studge is set to drop...on -90%. Hope he doesn't decrease by 0.2

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      i have him could easily swap for bentner but i think im going to hold for chelseas 2 home games

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    2. Screaming Midget
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Had his goal not been disallowed and he didn't go off due to the sending off vs QPR we wouldn't be discussing Sturridge out.

      I'll give him 2, possibly 3 more games at least.

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      1. Optimus.
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        +1 6.5 for a chelsea attacker

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        1. Elniñorules
          • Fantasy Football Scout Member
          • 12 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          Yes, all you Sturridge owners please praise him. Bring some sanity into this FPL crowd.

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          1. CFCTom
            • 12 Years
            12 years, 7 months ago

            ^She'd get it.

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  11. David
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Its nice to know I'm a dilligent underperformer. They are so true. Nice one Mark. I'm just sticking with the obvious from now on.......Until saturday when I get a masterplan. Deep down I know its a long shot, but can't knock it back for the fear of missing out on something truly great.

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  12. whatawasteofmoney
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Made me laugh this, great blog.

    Back in the day, other mini-league-ers would have had me down as The Director of Football. (who he)

    This season I'm the Tracksuit Manager all the way. Started with Torres, then switched him to Suarez. Haven't managed more that 2 for my (c) since GW1.

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  13. alsybach
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    wat channel is the ireland game on????

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      rte2 if your irish

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      1. 1966 was a great year for E…
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Sky Sports 1 if you're not.

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  14. CFCTom
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    I have a theory; football pitches themselves are part of the entertainment, seeing a crisp, flat, bright green surface with no patches just makes a match more exciting. It's weird. I rarely see a match on a far-from-perfect pitch and think: "Wow what a game" regardless of the quality of football. Maybe I don't like football, maybe I just like green...

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      i think you play fifa 12 too much

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      1. CFCTom
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        No I dont, say that again and I'll RB + X you in the face!

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        1. Optimus.
          • 13 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          🙂

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    2. GREENDREAMS11
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      you would like the photo that just sold for over 2 million then. a bit of grass (lovely) some of the rhein and wait for it, another strip of green grass ( wonderful) I couldn't help thinking who's the nutcase that has too much money.

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      1. GREENDREAMS11
        • 14 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        to put you out of your misery;

        http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/art/art-news/8883801/The-ten-most-expensive-photographs.html

        dont get too excited though ;P

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        1. CFCTom
          • 12 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          You couldn't play football on it. Also, I don't understand, why wouldn't the guy just go there and take a photograph himself? It makes no sense.

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    3. 1966 was a great year for E…
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Astroturf's shit, though, even the 3rd gen stuff.

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    4. Menly
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      You should play golf!

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      1. CFCTom
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        I have tried, and failed. Well and truly failed.

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  15. David
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Fantasy football can do funny things to you, it soon becomes an obsession, you become aware that you are obsessed, but carry on anyway, might as well eh. Before, you would never dream of watching a meaningless friendly between two mediocre nations on a saturday night. But now because you 'own' a certain player, you suddenly feel very protective of him, you are glued to the telly watching macedonia play someone like estonia, feeling physically sick every 'your man' falls over, wincing at every tackle and feeling a huge sigh of relief every time they get back up. If someone does happen to, god forbid 'injure' them, you end up irrationally hating them till the end of time, never forgetting what they have done to 'your' player, and wish lots of bad stuff towards them, I hope he breaks both legs, breaks his neck etc.

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  16. Screaming Midget
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account.
    Apparently - I can't even afford to be broke!

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      lol

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    2. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      you should show them your fpl cv show them how much you have made on your team in just few months

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    3. CFCTom
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Haha. Quality. My santander account has had £3.36 in it for over a year, they send me a letter every week telling me nothing's changed to that effect. A tad unneccessary I think.

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      1. CFCTom
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Every *month.

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  17. GREENDREAMS11
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    2-0 scotland

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  18. Demí
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Portugal need to find a better striker somewhere. Can't believe Postiga's still their 1st choice, he's poor

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    1. Super Drenthe
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Yeh,I would play Ronaldo up front with Verela on the left and Nani on the right.

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    2. jayzico
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      super handsome dudes though. theyre gona be banging the bosnian bitches all night long. dont think big ron looks like he could give a sh*t

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      1. Old Schoolᴼˢ “disa…
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Gaydar

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  19. Utterly Fabregasted
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Quick poll:

    1. Given, vermaelen, drenthe, aguero

    2. Westwood, vermaelen, drenthe, Rooney

    3. Given, wilkinson, lamps, dzeko

    4. Given, jones, drenthe, Rooney

    Cast your votes now. Thanks.

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    1. 1966 was a great year for E…
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      2, or maybe 3 with Westwood instead of Given.

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    2. Super Drenthe
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      2 or 4 for me 😆

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    3. CFCTom
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      In order: 1, 3, 2, 4

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    4. Puzzle
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      2

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    5. Screaming Midget
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      If we remove the keepers, I'd probably prefer 2.

      But 4 looks good as well as think Jones will do well from now until Xmas.

      Rooney to come in next week though if he's up top vs Swansea.

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    6. Jafalad
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      2. All of these players have the fixtures in their favour. Given has been a big letdown and now has poor fix.

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    7. jayzico
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      you need lamps first and foremost. i think i saw tosey earlier on say the great thing about lamps (in light of his yellow cards) is you can transfer him out and in without losing cash. so true!

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      1. CFCTom
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Also, he's the best player in the world.

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        1. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
          • 14 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          Except walters

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        2. jayzico
          • 13 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          that goes without saying mate. we ALL know that already. don't we?

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  20. Super Drenthe
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Is that THEHoward Webb???

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  21. Puzzle
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Bendtner subbed off. No sign of injury. Had a pretty good match

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      must be strong still not getting him

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      1. Menly
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Theres something about him that makes me not want him...

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      2. Syd.
        • 15 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        you will regret

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    2. Super Drenthe
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Did he score.....Oh wait he's S**T so no.

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      1. Puzzle
        • Fantasy Football Scout Member
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Yes he scored the only goal. 1-0 Denmark still. He's been the most dangerous player in a boring match. Zlatan has been crap

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      2. Scroobius Mac
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Awkward. Erm he did score.

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      3. Super Drenthe
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Sorry I just jumped to a conclusion as soon as I saw the word Bendtner.

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        1. CFCTom
          • 12 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          Bendtner? I bet he hasn't even scored.

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        2. Puzzle
          • Fantasy Football Scout Member
          • 13 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          We all have that urge, no worries 😉

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  22. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    im crossing my fingers that walters doesn't get injured tonight (promising couple of games coming up for him in fpl terms)

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    1. Syd.
      • 15 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      he might get rested..

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      1. Optimus.
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        ward will be playing 2 games

        will he be rested? 🙂

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        1. Oldman Unathletic
          • 12 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          with wolves defence it really doesn't matter

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  23. weeurquahrt
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    was hoping walter,s did,nt get the nod tonite .. do his hammy now.

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    1. Messi & fabregas
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      i thnk all players tha play the international play off will be rested next weekend. i am wondering why all those transferring dzeko in havent realized it

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    2. CFCTom
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Oh no your apostrophe's fell down!

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  24. Optimus.
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    off topic

    anyone know what time the manny pacquaiao v juan marquez at saturday night?bst

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    1. Screaming Midget
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      About 3am won't it?

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      1. Optimus.
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        yeah thats what i was thinking

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  25. Call Me Old Fashioned
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Dont Bosnia have a bigger ground than a 10,000 seater stadium or so? Seems such a shame that there is a small crowd for what is their largest game in a long time.

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  26. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    damn you pat bonner!!! (ireland fans who were watching their 94' world cup game against holland will understand this)

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      i hear you

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      1. Oldman Unathletic
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        ireland's name was on that cup i tells you!

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  27. Super Drenthe
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    So my Fantasy Football adiction looks like it'll carry on into the summer with "EURO 2012" going on.

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  28. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    is that the same stepanovs (in the estonia backline) who 'starred' for arsenal back in the day - if so, im hopeful for a couple of ireland goals tonight

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  29. Screaming Midget
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Regarding Bendtner, I'll be looking out for odds on anytime scorer.

    The amount of times I swerve a player only to see them come up on the bloody vidiprinter!

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  30. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    COME
    ON
    YOU
    BOYS
    IN
    GREEN

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      +1

      90 mins of long balls with nervy last 10 min as per usual

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      1. Oldman Unathletic
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        ireland to grind out a result

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