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Which Fantasy Football Manager Are You?

These international breaks are a killer. Normally we’d be spending Friday afternoon rinsing our brains for Scout Picks but today we’re left hanging, having to ponder another weekend without the ride on the gameweek rollercoaster.

The temporary boredom got me thinking. I started to analyse the Fantasy managers I’d known, the Fantasy manager I’ve been in the past, and the one I’d become.

I’d read throwaway articles where football managers had been put in boxes – pigeon holed for our convenience. Could we indulge in such pointless merriment with Fantasy Football managers too? Too damn right we could.

If you can’t find yourself amongst this lot (I’ve been at least two of these in my time) – we’re pretty certain you’ll recognise one or two of your mini-league rivals.

The Reluctant Scholar

A self-proclaimed expert in the beautiful game – he’s the guy in the office who always has an opinion and is keen to promote themselves as a football academic. They religiously rise for the “Sunday Supplement” but eagerly dismiss Soccer AM as “laddish” and “vulgar”. In truth, they wrestle with an unnatural fascination with Helen Chamberlain and struggle to understand some of the long words that Brian Woolnough comes out with.

They will likely see Fantasy Football as ridiculously trivial; in reality it’s a threat to them. They’ll show willing at first, paying a great deal of attention to their initial squad selection but then, once they are outside the early front-runners, they’ll see it as a slight on their credentials as an “expert”. They’ll then dismiss it as a distraction, something they don’t have time for, and reject all theories that their early season “form” is down to a lack of knowledge or foresight.

When next season comes around, they’ll try to convince you that they’ll come good as they have time to take it more seriously. Once they invest as much time in it as you, they’d almost certainly destroy you and you puny team. They won’t – they’ll do exactly the same all over again but smugly point out that Oliver Kay is amongst their followers on Twitter.

The Part Time Pete


Typically they show a fleeting interest in football. Often a “supporter” of Manchester United or a Chelsea fan who has yet to notice that Jose Mourinho has left, they’ll have enough in their locker to pick obvious Fantasy targets but will struggle for the hidden gems.

Sadly, this type of Fantasy manager can be hugely frustrating since, on occasions, their propensity to pick big names can pay off spectacularly. If the cards fall kindly for them, they can be early season pacesetters who will enjoy their moment in the sun and, for just a period, begin to put in that extra bit of effort. Start badly however, and these guys will fall by the wayside – get easily frustrated by a few Wayne Rooney blanks and – after a short burst of knee jerks, with transfers flying aimlessly, ultimately give up until next season.

The Assistant Manager


An extremely dangerous opponent – not least because of the damage they can do to your reputation should they finish above you. In the classic case, they’ll be a very unlikely threat to the mini-league crown and you’ll be naive enough to write them off immediately for someone who will be far too distracted to threaten.

However, they’re actually just a puppet. A figurehead for a Fantasy Football mastermind pulling their strings behind the scenes and orchestrating decisions with a baffling level of precision.

The early signs will be obvious – the inclusion of some players with strong pre-season form, an uncharacteristically wise early transfer. If you can keep them in mid-table, the evil genius shaping their season may lose interest. Should they hit the top early on however, the prospects aren’t good – the lure of Fantasy Football glory by proxy will likely have kicked in. You’re heading for humiliation.

The Director of Football


Frankly, you’re not sure who this guy is when you see the league table. You think he works in IT – the guy who brought your monitor around last summer. There’s no obvious signs that they even liked football. No club crest on his mug. No interest in the banter aired. You’re pretty certain he spends his nights raiding in Azeroth, rather than down the pub in front of the Monday kick-off.

In reality the guy is a football genius – those years spent shivering on the sidelines, clutching a carrier bag, running the line for the school team while the “big boys” take the glory and the girls were spent wisely. While his peers stacked bedroom shelves with pointless junior trophies, he filled his with Rothmans Football yearbooks. He’s got spreadsheets informing him on his next nine transfers and he’s already cracked your cache and has the password to your team. You’re pretty much his plaything.

The Tracksuit Manager


As far as experience is concerned, this guy will initially appear well-versed. Sadly, however, his success in the past may have been founded on the ineptitude of others and a half-arsed Fantasy game that requires very little expertise beyond a fortuitous initial selection.

They’ll start the season by talking the talk and then, as the weeks of missing Match of the Day due to Saturday’s “beering and leering”, they’ll begin to fire off excuses for their miserable mid-table slide to obscurity.

Tales of injury problems – claims that Florent Malouda should be playing and the classic – “this game is not as good as the one I used to play” will be presented as excuses.

Unfortunately, once the cracks are gaping, they could then proclaim that Fantasy football is for geeks and dismiss those who have time to take it seriously as “saddoes”; they may even dig up the old “Statto” moniker.

Don’t fret about this. They’ll spend the next Saturday night, and each one thereafter, inebriated before going home for further “self-abuse” in front of the Hollyoaks Omnibus on Sunday, that plays out on their inappropriately massive flat panel bought on credit.

The Loyal Fanatic

Ferocious football supporters, these guys seem an obvious threat for the mini-league crown. They greedily swig football news with their morning coffee, drinking down the latest transfer rumours and tittle-tattle. They’re clued up, merchandised up and fully prepared for season ahead.

There’s one problem however – they’re so wrapped up in their own team, they’re blinkered to the potential of everything else around them.

They’ll definitely recruit their own team’s new centre-forward, and probably a defender too. They’ll also draft any former favourites who may have flown the nest out of some ridiculous emotional attachment. They won’t shift from their stance and the very idea of signing players from their team’s bitter rivals evokes nausea. They really don’t care that he’s scored two consecutive hat-tricks – he wears red and there’s no place for that in their team.

As a famous lord of the Sith once said – “your faith in your friends is your weakness”. Will they take heed? Of course they bloody won’t – they’ve got the club’s wooly bobble hat pulled over their eyes and ears.

The Diligent Underperformer


They study the form. The fixtures. The combinations. They know who rotates with who, and when. All in all, they know their stuff. If asked for advice, they dish out the sensible options and always have reason to back this up. Yet when it comes to making their decisions, they’re their own worst enemy; there’s this voice in their heads that persuades them that the nailed-on, obvious option is all of a sudden too safe. If there’s a stroke of genius up for grabs, they’ll desperately try to reach for it, often ignoring the bleedin’ obvious in the process.

Their knowledge becomes a hindrance rather than a help; it sparks unnecessary risks creating scenarios that could cover them in glory should they come off. Fantasy football is often a simple game but they laugh at such a theory, their logic is never flawed. Their position never top.

The Born Again Christian Gross


They used to play a bit. Back when it was in the paper. When they weren’t tinkering with Championship Manager on the Amiga, they were phoning through their Fantasy transfers and plotting their next move. Then distractions took over. A career. A relationship. A child. Evil life trinkets that diverted them from the path of glory.

Now their eyes have been opened; suddenly a monster has been created. That one email requesting participation in the mini-league has sparked something uncontrollable. The kid hates him. “Relations” with the wife are limited to birthdays and anniversaries and the job went to pot when Graham was promoted. This guy is back in the game and the hunger and enthusiasm is insatiable.

It’s as if Fantasy Football offers a crumb of comfort as he battles to hold off an early mid-life crisis. They can’t afford a Porsche and having an affair scares the life out of him. Winning the mini-league though – that would be pretty good. That would show ‘em.

Mark Mark created the beast. He's now looking to tame it.

645 Comments Post a Comment
  1. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Ooh McGeady and Kelly one booking away from missing the second leg. Please do us a favour ref.

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  2. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Come on Ireland!!!

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  3. Henry Hill
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    i'm excited now COME ON IRELAND ......... THIS IS IT.....NO REGRETS

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  4. Damo.
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Have to say Zinadine Kilbane getting a text to say he's not in the squad after the service he gave is pretty disgraceful

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      i think it was the best 30c spent on a text

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      1. Damo.
        • 14 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        🙂 Ah come on he deserved a phone call at least

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        1. Optimus.
          • 13 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          lol dont get me wrong i dont have much faith in the replacement that is ward

          mc geedy will be busy covering for him tonight

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          1. Damo.
            • 14 Years
            12 years, 7 months ago

            Can't stand McGeady so predictable. Down the wing, try and skin, goal kick.

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            1. Henry Hill
              • 14 Years
              12 years, 7 months ago

              Coleman or Hunt should be starting ahead of him any day of the week

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            2. Damo.
              • 14 Years
              12 years, 7 months ago

              Love that c**t McGeady 😆

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            3. Smarty Pants
              • 14 Years
              12 years, 7 months ago

              I can't stand people who can't stand McGeady. He is awesome.

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              1. Damo.
                • 14 Years
                12 years, 7 months ago

                Damn and I had high hopes for our long distance realtionship

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                1. Smarty Pants
                  • 14 Years
                  12 years, 7 months ago

                  Not gonna happen, mate, sorry.

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                  1. Damo.
                    • 14 Years
                    12 years, 7 months ago

                    Ah well we'll always have Paris 🙂

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    2. Oldman Unathletic
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      they should have put him down ages ago - hes been past it for the last 8 years!

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  5. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    its weird watching a game and not thinking of the possible fpl implications - e.g if ward gets a crafty assist for a walters goal = points jackpot

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    1. Oldman Unathletic
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      you watch it happen - then both of them get rested when premier league action returns

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    2. Screaming Midget
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      I didn't even realise it was on.

      Are away goals in play?

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      1. Optimus.
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        yes id say

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      2. Oldman Unathletic
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        yea its been on for a short while, im not entirely sure about away goals - but thats a great question as this play-off may very well be tight

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  6. Henry Hill
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    McGeady is useless, Coleman and McCarthy not even on the bench!

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      +1 redic

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  7. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Walters winning absolutely everything

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  8. The ghost of a Pug's g…
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Everyone thrown Bendtner in their teams? *sniggers*

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  9. Screaming Midget
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    I must admit when I saw the Estonia goalkeeper take the goal kick about 2 minutes I thought it was Fernando Torres! 😮 :-p

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    1. Menly
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Well he makes the ball go everywhere but the goal, so he may be a good keeper!

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  10. Demí
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Any Estonians in the house tonight?

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  11. Waldaz
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Is Kompany playing for Belgium?

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    1. Cruicky
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Yes.

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      1. Waldaz
        • 14 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Cheers.

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  12. michaelington
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    AAAANNDDREEWWS!!

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  13. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Kakkkkkaaaaaaaaaa Andrewsssssssss

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  14. AFridge
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaahhhhh

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  15. maglia rosa
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    great stuff from the irish 🙂

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  16. Optimus.
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    andrews!!!!!!

    never had a bad word to say about him

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  17. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    ANDREWS!!!!!

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  18. Henry Hill
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    I was just walking out of the room haha, g'wan Andrews you legend

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    1. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Never call Andrews a legend mate.

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      1. Henry Hill
        • 14 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        His performance in Paris 2 years ago was as good as Roy Keane in his prime

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      2. AP
        • 14 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Ipswich Legend.

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  19. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    cracking header

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  20. Optimus.
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    you do know its going to stay 1-0 for the rest of the game giving us a horrible nervy 10 min to sit through

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  21. michaelington
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    So Bendtner got subbed for Denmark, hope it wasnt due to injury

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      no just to redo his hair-gel

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  22. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    ireland looking to finish this off in the first leg

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  23. AFridge
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Why no Coleman? Donegal's finest (after Shay Given!) is he injured?

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    1. HVT
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Did you not know- he's not in the click with trap, and dunphy wants him to play!

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  24. Optimus.
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    say "12 months" in estonia

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNmHhvAcJWk

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  25. HVT
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Cmon you boys in green!

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  26. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Very open game - big surprise, was expecting an edgy conservative match with maybe 1 or 2 goals - there is going to be a few more than that if this start is anything to go by

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  27. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Have the Estonians ever heard of Shay Given?

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    1. HVT
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      They think it's a fish formerly dresses as an astronaut!

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  28. AFridge
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    What a surprisingly good game!

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  29. Puzzle
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Aguero sitting on the bench. Is he in the squad?

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    1. Oldman Unathletic
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      groin injury sustained in the blackburn game is still giving him problems apparently

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      1. Puzzle
        • Fantasy Football Scout Member
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Yeah, I heard reports he was defo out? But i'm watching the game and he's sitting on the bench

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        1. Oldman Unathletic
          • 12 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          from what i gather he is far from 1st choice for the argies even when fit (some fella called messi in the team)

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  30. Bendy Busdriver
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    RVP still in one piece?

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    1. SPorting
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      yes. and also in set pieces.

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