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Which Fantasy Football Manager Are You?

These international breaks are a killer. Normally we’d be spending Friday afternoon rinsing our brains for Scout Picks but today we’re left hanging, having to ponder another weekend without the ride on the gameweek rollercoaster.

The temporary boredom got me thinking. I started to analyse the Fantasy managers I’d known, the Fantasy manager I’ve been in the past, and the one I’d become.

I’d read throwaway articles where football managers had been put in boxes – pigeon holed for our convenience. Could we indulge in such pointless merriment with Fantasy Football managers too? Too damn right we could.

If you can’t find yourself amongst this lot (I’ve been at least two of these in my time) – we’re pretty certain you’ll recognise one or two of your mini-league rivals.

The Reluctant Scholar

A self-proclaimed expert in the beautiful game – he’s the guy in the office who always has an opinion and is keen to promote themselves as a football academic. They religiously rise for the “Sunday Supplement” but eagerly dismiss Soccer AM as “laddish” and “vulgar”. In truth, they wrestle with an unnatural fascination with Helen Chamberlain and struggle to understand some of the long words that Brian Woolnough comes out with.

They will likely see Fantasy Football as ridiculously trivial; in reality it’s a threat to them. They’ll show willing at first, paying a great deal of attention to their initial squad selection but then, once they are outside the early front-runners, they’ll see it as a slight on their credentials as an “expert”. They’ll then dismiss it as a distraction, something they don’t have time for, and reject all theories that their early season “form” is down to a lack of knowledge or foresight.

When next season comes around, they’ll try to convince you that they’ll come good as they have time to take it more seriously. Once they invest as much time in it as you, they’d almost certainly destroy you and you puny team. They won’t – they’ll do exactly the same all over again but smugly point out that Oliver Kay is amongst their followers on Twitter.

The Part Time Pete


Typically they show a fleeting interest in football. Often a “supporter” of Manchester United or a Chelsea fan who has yet to notice that Jose Mourinho has left, they’ll have enough in their locker to pick obvious Fantasy targets but will struggle for the hidden gems.

Sadly, this type of Fantasy manager can be hugely frustrating since, on occasions, their propensity to pick big names can pay off spectacularly. If the cards fall kindly for them, they can be early season pacesetters who will enjoy their moment in the sun and, for just a period, begin to put in that extra bit of effort. Start badly however, and these guys will fall by the wayside – get easily frustrated by a few Wayne Rooney blanks and – after a short burst of knee jerks, with transfers flying aimlessly, ultimately give up until next season.

The Assistant Manager


An extremely dangerous opponent – not least because of the damage they can do to your reputation should they finish above you. In the classic case, they’ll be a very unlikely threat to the mini-league crown and you’ll be naive enough to write them off immediately for someone who will be far too distracted to threaten.

However, they’re actually just a puppet. A figurehead for a Fantasy Football mastermind pulling their strings behind the scenes and orchestrating decisions with a baffling level of precision.

The early signs will be obvious – the inclusion of some players with strong pre-season form, an uncharacteristically wise early transfer. If you can keep them in mid-table, the evil genius shaping their season may lose interest. Should they hit the top early on however, the prospects aren’t good – the lure of Fantasy Football glory by proxy will likely have kicked in. You’re heading for humiliation.

The Director of Football


Frankly, you’re not sure who this guy is when you see the league table. You think he works in IT – the guy who brought your monitor around last summer. There’s no obvious signs that they even liked football. No club crest on his mug. No interest in the banter aired. You’re pretty certain he spends his nights raiding in Azeroth, rather than down the pub in front of the Monday kick-off.

In reality the guy is a football genius – those years spent shivering on the sidelines, clutching a carrier bag, running the line for the school team while the “big boys” take the glory and the girls were spent wisely. While his peers stacked bedroom shelves with pointless junior trophies, he filled his with Rothmans Football yearbooks. He’s got spreadsheets informing him on his next nine transfers and he’s already cracked your cache and has the password to your team. You’re pretty much his plaything.

The Tracksuit Manager


As far as experience is concerned, this guy will initially appear well-versed. Sadly, however, his success in the past may have been founded on the ineptitude of others and a half-arsed Fantasy game that requires very little expertise beyond a fortuitous initial selection.

They’ll start the season by talking the talk and then, as the weeks of missing Match of the Day due to Saturday’s “beering and leering”, they’ll begin to fire off excuses for their miserable mid-table slide to obscurity.

Tales of injury problems – claims that Florent Malouda should be playing and the classic – “this game is not as good as the one I used to play” will be presented as excuses.

Unfortunately, once the cracks are gaping, they could then proclaim that Fantasy football is for geeks and dismiss those who have time to take it seriously as “saddoes”; they may even dig up the old “Statto” moniker.

Don’t fret about this. They’ll spend the next Saturday night, and each one thereafter, inebriated before going home for further “self-abuse” in front of the Hollyoaks Omnibus on Sunday, that plays out on their inappropriately massive flat panel bought on credit.

The Loyal Fanatic

Ferocious football supporters, these guys seem an obvious threat for the mini-league crown. They greedily swig football news with their morning coffee, drinking down the latest transfer rumours and tittle-tattle. They’re clued up, merchandised up and fully prepared for season ahead.

There’s one problem however – they’re so wrapped up in their own team, they’re blinkered to the potential of everything else around them.

They’ll definitely recruit their own team’s new centre-forward, and probably a defender too. They’ll also draft any former favourites who may have flown the nest out of some ridiculous emotional attachment. They won’t shift from their stance and the very idea of signing players from their team’s bitter rivals evokes nausea. They really don’t care that he’s scored two consecutive hat-tricks – he wears red and there’s no place for that in their team.

As a famous lord of the Sith once said – “your faith in your friends is your weakness”. Will they take heed? Of course they bloody won’t – they’ve got the club’s wooly bobble hat pulled over their eyes and ears.

The Diligent Underperformer


They study the form. The fixtures. The combinations. They know who rotates with who, and when. All in all, they know their stuff. If asked for advice, they dish out the sensible options and always have reason to back this up. Yet when it comes to making their decisions, they’re their own worst enemy; there’s this voice in their heads that persuades them that the nailed-on, obvious option is all of a sudden too safe. If there’s a stroke of genius up for grabs, they’ll desperately try to reach for it, often ignoring the bleedin’ obvious in the process.

Their knowledge becomes a hindrance rather than a help; it sparks unnecessary risks creating scenarios that could cover them in glory should they come off. Fantasy football is often a simple game but they laugh at such a theory, their logic is never flawed. Their position never top.

The Born Again Christian Gross


They used to play a bit. Back when it was in the paper. When they weren’t tinkering with Championship Manager on the Amiga, they were phoning through their Fantasy transfers and plotting their next move. Then distractions took over. A career. A relationship. A child. Evil life trinkets that diverted them from the path of glory.

Now their eyes have been opened; suddenly a monster has been created. That one email requesting participation in the mini-league has sparked something uncontrollable. The kid hates him. “Relations” with the wife are limited to birthdays and anniversaries and the job went to pot when Graham was promoted. This guy is back in the game and the hunger and enthusiasm is insatiable.

It’s as if Fantasy Football offers a crumb of comfort as he battles to hold off an early mid-life crisis. They can’t afford a Porsche and having an affair scares the life out of him. Winning the mini-league though – that would be pretty good. That would show ‘em.

Mark Mark created the beast. He's now looking to tame it.

645 Comments Post a Comment
  1. SPorting
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    is the Corluka bandwagon rolling yet?

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    1. Oldman Unathletic
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      its still parked in the garage

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      1. SPorting
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        probably in reverse.

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  2. Gr3g
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Balotelli goal

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  3. Holy See
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Great article. Diligent underperformer eh, sounds about right. Some diligent 'actual'performers on this site tho. They know who they are. Flukey gits 😉

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  4. Gr3g
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Turkey 0 - 3 Croatia lol, guess we have one more euro team

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  5. Holy See
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Estonia 10 men, doomed, bless.

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  6. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Yesssss

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    1. SPorting
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      luck of the irish?

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    2. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      bet against 10 we still wont score a 2nd but 1-0 i would take

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  7. Bendy Busdriver
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    ger 0-2 ukraine

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  8. Damo.
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Oooo skimmed the bar

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  9. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Robbie Keane could easily have broken his neck there.

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  10. FPL Daniel
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Ballo scores. This guy is a machine

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  11. applebonkers
    • Has Moderation Rights
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    keith andrews should retire from club football and concentrate on internationals

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  12. Salah’s Sonnet
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Hiya guys, sorry to divert from the qualifiers for a moment.

    Anyone reckon these are good moves?

    Out: Given, De Laet, Torres

    In: Westwood, Kompany, Hernandez (or any other advised)

    Not too sure about hernandez, but it is bound to be better than 'cant score from 2 yards' torres.

    Would require an 8 point hit but obviously would be for long term, barring westwood maybe, think he's an excellent keeper though so may keep his 1st spot with good performances. Also if i get rid of torres i'll have no chelsea cover at all.

    thoughts appreciated.

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      just do delete to wilkinson or mcauley imo

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      1. Salah’s Sonnet
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        yeah, thats a good suggestion actually, completely forgot about wilkinson for a moment then, is he nailed on anymore though? so keep the squad as it is just with that change and phase the others out like torres over time?

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    2. jimski
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Not worth 8 pt hit

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      1. Salah’s Sonnet
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        thats what i was thinking, but all for long term is persuading me slightly, trouble is i need to stop tinkering with my team, its just so damn addictive though when i know it defo needs improving. team is linked anyway 🙂

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        1. jimski
          • 13 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          Your problem is that 2 of your subs don't ever play. Might be worth trying to sort that out as your priority?

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          1. Salah’s Sonnet
            • 12 Years
            12 years, 7 months ago

            Yeah i know, it is a priority, could even be worth leaving torres in d'ya think for one more week? and given? i dunno, i feel an urgent need to remove them sooner than my subs lol.

            Big games have been high scoring, so could be worth leaving suarez and torres in against each other?

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    3. Holy See
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      You done 1 transfer already?

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      1. Salah’s Sonnet
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        no, haven't made a transfer for upcoming gw yet. ive got 1 free tranny with 1.6mil in the bank.

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        1. Holy See
          • 14 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          I'd consider De Laet - Brown, reasonably priced, 3 of next 4 at home.

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          1. Salah’s Sonnet
            • 12 Years
            12 years, 7 months ago

            Cool, was thinking of shoving him in actually, is on my watchlist, cheers.

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  13. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Some lads after karate kicking stephen ward...

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  14. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    half time - 1 nil up against 10 men, i'll take that

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  15. Optimus.
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    half-time entertainment

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-kns0mHAj0

    love the balo/crouch ones

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  16. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Good half for Ireland. Walters easily the best player on the pitch, two centre back's have had nothing to do all game, all Estonia are doing is shooting from range. Not going to beat a keeper of Given's standard from 25+ yards. Keane absolutely uselss, Andrews and Whelan despite the formers goal both are both playing averagely.

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  17. Nice1Cyrille
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Bosnia Portugal game is boring me to death...

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    1. FPL Daniel
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Well Portugal is dominating that, Bosnia had only one goal attempt so far

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      1. Nice1Cyrille
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        True, Bosnia really poor. Portugal not much better.

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    2. applebonkers
      • Has Moderation Rights
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      should have watched ireland 🙁
      luckily will get to see most of 2nd half anyway, plus caught andrews' header

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  18. FPL Daniel
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Chech 1:0 Montenegro had great start but missed a lot. What a goal BTW

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    1. FPL Daniel
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Rosicky assist if anybody interested

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  19. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    any news on the injury front from tonights matches anyone?

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    1. alsybach
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      RVP limping by the looks of it.............

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      1. Oldman Unathletic
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        ...fpl community has a collective stroke

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    2. SOM.... This is Fellaini�…
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Robbie Keane lucky not to escape a broken neck.

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      1. Mole
        • Fantasy Football Scout Member
        • 15 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        football's answer to the spear tackle

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    3. FPL Daniel
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      still not, quiet evening so far

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  20. Back on the horse
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Great post, Mark

    "this game is not as good as the one I used to play"

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  21. Call Me Old Fashioned
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    good god, this is garbage and i just tuned in 5mins ago

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    1. alsybach
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      whats garbage??

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      1. Call Me Old Fashioned
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        bosnia v portugal

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        1. alsybach
          • 14 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          it is a typical boring football match really......good ones are few and far between unless you just watch the highlights or actually give a shit who wins!

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  22. A.T
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Thats the best article ive read on this site. Born again Christian Gross has me down to a tee!

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  23. Smarty Pants
    • 14 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Croatia 3:0 up and still attacking, Turkey hardly getting through the center of the pitch. Fans are booing and swearing, players can't do anything. Man, I don't want to be Hiddink tonight.

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  24. Optimus.
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    for next gw pick a gk and 3 defs out of this bunch in your opinion please

    vorm/ruddy

    enrique/jones/raylor/brown/naylor

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    1. CatMac
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Easy for me as I'm playing

      Vorm, Jones, Enrique, Brown with Krul, Saylor, Naylor on the bench. Best combo imo and fingers crossed.

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      1. Optimus.
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        cheers i was thinking something similar

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  25. vwfiesta
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Beat this!
    Kenny / Westwood
    Assou, Simpson, Wilkinson, Brown, Jones
    Silva, VdV, O'Hara, Walters, Drenthe
    Hernandez, RvP, Bendtner

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      im dont have a wc but my team beats that but nice try should do well 🙂

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      1. vwfiesta
        • 13 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        Hm! 🙂

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        1. Optimus.
          • 13 Years
          12 years, 7 months ago

          just pick my team nevermind ferg 🙂

          vorm/ruddy
          enrique/jones/raylor/brown/naylor
          mata/silva/vdv/nani/ferg
          ade/rvp/studge

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          1. CatMac
            • Fantasy Football Scout Member
            • 14 Years
            12 years, 7 months ago

            Dont like Ruddy, Ferg, Studge myself, Optimus, but that is one bl00dy nice team! I'm struggling to fit Mata in let alone Nani. My own fault really as I cant bring myself to drop Roo 🙂

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    2. alsybach
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      BANDWAGON EXPRESS............now post a team that YOU like not everyone else on here!........oh dear back to the drawing board........

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    3. Mull
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Howard, Vorm
      Kompany, Jones, Brown, Wilkinson, Naylor
      VDV, Silva, Drenthe, Sessengon, Formica
      RVP, Rooney, Graham

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    4. Holy See
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Not sure about the keepers, be a bit concerned about Hernandez possible rotation, but he may do well so stick if you have faith in him. Wolves fixtures go a bit crap so O Hara may struggle to get you points.

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  26. Oldman Unathletic
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    ssn choose the most random commentators - phil babb?

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      my recollection of phil babb is the time he nearly castrated himselffor pool sliding against the post against blackburn i think

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    2. alsybach
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      cheapest......not random.

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      1. Oldman Unathletic
        • 12 Years
        12 years, 7 months ago

        it doesn't matter how cheap phil babb is - its still PHIL BABB!

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  27. sotothemightygreek
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Kudos Mark! That is a fantastic article!

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      your nose couldnt be browner 🙂

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  28. PlayPercentage
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Norwich have let in 6 goals in the last 2 games.
    Any chance of a comeback for De Laet?

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  29. JK - Cønt ⭐
    • Fantasy Football Scout Member
    • 12 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    First post on here. Enjoyed reading the comments

    Since it seems to be the way of things I’ll post my team up and say who I’m looking to swap out and why

    Vorm/Given

    Assou, Woodgate, Brown, Simpson, R Taylor

    Tiote, VDV, Silva, Sinclair, Allen

    Aguero, RvP, Hernandez
    with 1.4 in the bank
    A looking at changing the following over the next few weeks
    Given – De Gea, not enough clean sheets or saves to justify keeping Given in
    Woodgate – Vidic – Woodgate gets rotated and has got me 1 point in the last 3 weeks, Vidic plays every week, likely to keep more clean sheets and weighs in with the odd goal (alternative is Vermaelen)
    Aguero out probably for Morrison, Aguero can’t justify price tag atm, I need money spare to upgrade elsewhere and Morrison is cheap, in form and plays every week
    Tiote out, right now for Drenthe, but am also considering Lennon or Sessegnon

    What does everyone think?

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    1. Optimus.
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      i think im going to read this just before i go to sleep

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    2. A.T
      • 13 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Im sorry I cant help you. I never reply to posts. Im only making an exeption in your case as your new. I dont want you to think Im singling you out. Its nothing personnal!

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    3. Holy See
      • 14 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Reduce by 50% and repost 😉

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    4. Ryan
      • Fantasy Football Scout Member
      • Has Moderation Rights
      • 12 Years
      12 years, 7 months ago

      Not really a fan of an expensive defence. Have you though about someone who rotates with Vorm and is cheap i.e Krul? Vermaelen over Vidic for me as he is cheaper and is attacking. Im a bit ho hum on Morrison, have you thought about Klasnic/Sturridge or Bendtner? Woodgate may also come good as he has 3 home games in the next 4

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  30. Back on the horse
    • 13 Years
    12 years, 7 months ago

    Director of Football, with out the IT job, Rothmans or spreadsheet with next 9 transfers 😉

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