Which Fantasy Football Manager Are You?

These international breaks are a killer. Normally we’d be spending Friday afternoon rinsing our brains for Scout Picks but today we’re left hanging, having to ponder another weekend without the ride on the gameweek rollercoaster.

The temporary boredom got me thinking. I started to analyse the Fantasy managers I’d known, the Fantasy manager I’ve been in the past, and the one I’d become.

I’d read throwaway articles where football managers had been put in boxes – pigeon holed for our convenience. Could we indulge in such pointless merriment with Fantasy Football managers too? Too damn right we could.

If you can’t find yourself amongst this lot (I’ve been at least two of these in my time) – we’re pretty certain you’ll recognise one or two of your mini-league rivals.

The Reluctant Scholar

A self-proclaimed expert in the beautiful game – he’s the guy in the office who always has an opinion and is keen to promote themselves as a football academic. They religiously rise for the “Sunday Supplement” but eagerly dismiss Soccer AM as “laddish” and “vulgar”. In truth, they wrestle with an unnatural fascination with Helen Chamberlain and struggle to understand some of the long words that Brian Woolnough comes out with.

They will likely see Fantasy Football as ridiculously trivial; in reality it’s a threat to them. They’ll show willing at first, paying a great deal of attention to their initial squad selection but then, once they are outside the early front-runners, they’ll see it as a slight on their credentials as an “expert”. They’ll then dismiss it as a distraction, something they don’t have time for, and reject all theories that their early season “form” is down to a lack of knowledge or foresight.

When next season comes around, they’ll try to convince you that they’ll come good as they have time to take it more seriously. Once they invest as much time in it as you, they’d almost certainly destroy you and you puny team. They won’t – they’ll do exactly the same all over again but smugly point out that Oliver Kay is amongst their followers on Twitter.

The Part Time Pete


Typically they show a fleeting interest in football. Often a “supporter” of Manchester United or a Chelsea fan who has yet to notice that Jose Mourinho has left, they’ll have enough in their locker to pick obvious Fantasy targets but will struggle for the hidden gems.

Sadly, this type of Fantasy manager can be hugely frustrating since, on occasions, their propensity to pick big names can pay off spectacularly. If the cards fall kindly for them, they can be early season pacesetters who will enjoy their moment in the sun and, for just a period, begin to put in that extra bit of effort. Start badly however, and these guys will fall by the wayside – get easily frustrated by a few Wayne Rooney blanks and – after a short burst of knee jerks, with transfers flying aimlessly, ultimately give up until next season.

The Assistant Manager


An extremely dangerous opponent – not least because of the damage they can do to your reputation should they finish above you. In the classic case, they’ll be a very unlikely threat to the mini-league crown and you’ll be naive enough to write them off immediately for someone who will be far too distracted to threaten.

However, they’re actually just a puppet. A figurehead for a Fantasy Football mastermind pulling their strings behind the scenes and orchestrating decisions with a baffling level of precision.

The early signs will be obvious – the inclusion of some players with strong pre-season form, an uncharacteristically wise early transfer. If you can keep them in mid-table, the evil genius shaping their season may lose interest. Should they hit the top early on however, the prospects aren’t good – the lure of Fantasy Football glory by proxy will likely have kicked in. You’re heading for humiliation.

The Director of Football


Frankly, you’re not sure who this guy is when you see the league table. You think he works in IT – the guy who brought your monitor around last summer. There’s no obvious signs that they even liked football. No club crest on his mug. No interest in the banter aired. You’re pretty certain he spends his nights raiding in Azeroth, rather than down the pub in front of the Monday kick-off.

In reality the guy is a football genius – those years spent shivering on the sidelines, clutching a carrier bag, running the line for the school team while the “big boys” take the glory and the girls were spent wisely. While his peers stacked bedroom shelves with pointless junior trophies, he filled his with Rothmans Football yearbooks. He’s got spreadsheets informing him on his next nine transfers and he’s already cracked your cache and has the password to your team. You’re pretty much his plaything.

The Tracksuit Manager


As far as experience is concerned, this guy will initially appear well-versed. Sadly, however, his success in the past may have been founded on the ineptitude of others and a half-arsed Fantasy game that requires very little expertise beyond a fortuitous initial selection.

They’ll start the season by talking the talk and then, as the weeks of missing Match of the Day due to Saturday’s “beering and leering”, they’ll begin to fire off excuses for their miserable mid-table slide to obscurity.

Tales of injury problems – claims that Florent Malouda should be playing and the classic – “this game is not as good as the one I used to play” will be presented as excuses.

Unfortunately, once the cracks are gaping, they could then proclaim that Fantasy football is for geeks and dismiss those who have time to take it seriously as “saddoes”; they may even dig up the old “Statto” moniker.

Don’t fret about this. They’ll spend the next Saturday night, and each one thereafter, inebriated before going home for further “self-abuse” in front of the Hollyoaks Omnibus on Sunday, that plays out on their inappropriately massive flat panel bought on credit.

The Loyal Fanatic

Ferocious football supporters, these guys seem an obvious threat for the mini-league crown. They greedily swig football news with their morning coffee, drinking down the latest transfer rumours and tittle-tattle. They’re clued up, merchandised up and fully prepared for season ahead.

There’s one problem however – they’re so wrapped up in their own team, they’re blinkered to the potential of everything else around them.

They’ll definitely recruit their own team’s new centre-forward, and probably a defender too. They’ll also draft any former favourites who may have flown the nest out of some ridiculous emotional attachment. They won’t shift from their stance and the very idea of signing players from their team’s bitter rivals evokes nausea. They really don’t care that he’s scored two consecutive hat-tricks – he wears red and there’s no place for that in their team.

As a famous lord of the Sith once said – “your faith in your friends is your weakness”. Will they take heed? Of course they bloody won’t – they’ve got the club’s wooly bobble hat pulled over their eyes and ears.

The Diligent Underperformer


They study the form. The fixtures. The combinations. They know who rotates with who, and when. All in all, they know their stuff. If asked for advice, they dish out the sensible options and always have reason to back this up. Yet when it comes to making their decisions, they’re their own worst enemy; there’s this voice in their heads that persuades them that the nailed-on, obvious option is all of a sudden too safe. If there’s a stroke of genius up for grabs, they’ll desperately try to reach for it, often ignoring the bleedin’ obvious in the process.

Their knowledge becomes a hindrance rather than a help; it sparks unnecessary risks creating scenarios that could cover them in glory should they come off. Fantasy football is often a simple game but they laugh at such a theory, their logic is never flawed. Their position never top.

The Born Again Christian Gross


They used to play a bit. Back when it was in the paper. When they weren’t tinkering with Championship Manager on the Amiga, they were phoning through their Fantasy transfers and plotting their next move. Then distractions took over. A career. A relationship. A child. Evil life trinkets that diverted them from the path of glory.

Now their eyes have been opened; suddenly a monster has been created. That one email requesting participation in the mini-league has sparked something uncontrollable. The kid hates him. “Relations” with the wife are limited to birthdays and anniversaries and the job went to pot when Graham was promoted. This guy is back in the game and the hunger and enthusiasm is insatiable.

It’s as if Fantasy Football offers a crumb of comfort as he battles to hold off an early mid-life crisis. They can’t afford a Porsche and having an affair scares the life out of him. Winning the mini-league though – that would be pretty good. That would show ‘em.