The Pre-Match Preamble – Gameweek 9

This week’s game-changing transfer has seen me trade the “Ginge” liability that is James Collins for Watford’s veteran left-back, currently masquerading as a worthwhile Fantasy asset.

To be fair, Jose Holebas has answered a few prayers.

Mild panic sets in each time I dare to glance at my fragile defence. Antonio Valencia remains my “big ticket” item, and he’s only likely to deliver when Jose Mourinho elects to reverse park the double decker.

But then Holebas steps up, throws in a few set-pieces and scores a second 25-yard screamer. It’s a no-brainer, belatedly, I got me to the Greek.

It’s another tedious trade that is very much in line with my current transfer policy.

This time last week I made the unlikely and unwanted move for Southampton’s Cuco Martina (look him up, he does exist, and he once did this).

That went well.

A couple of points pocketed and now, despite Claude Puel promising there was a chance I may get a few games out of my modest investment, it seems Cedric is to return early and consign Martina back to even greater obscurity.

But my Gameweek 8 experience confirmed one thing: our efforts to attempt to seek out assured clean sheets look doomed.

Southampton were the bookies favourites for a shut-out against Burnley. They’d earned three successive clean sheets in the Premier League, six in all competitions.

Meanwhile, the Clarets turned up with the fewest goals, the fewest shots and relying on the creativity of a Belgian architect with an hour-long battery, feeding the huff and puff of Sam Vokes.

It doesn’t get much better than that and yet, typically, Mike Dean intervened to dish out another spot-kick and spoil my Martina “masterstroke”.

The men in black are scrutinising every set-piece, watching for any point of contact – good news for the likes of Pardew and Pulis, pretty much disastrous for Fantasy managers seeking to bank points from sure-bet shut-out scenarios.

With penalties scattered around like confetti, it seems that even the most resilient defence can be breached.

So while my transfers are now limited to uninspiring shuffles from one budget defender to another, perhaps that’s no bad thing.

Dean’s decision caused frustration, but at least I resisted the urge to cut an asset from my midfield to shell out for the hefty Virgil van Dijk.

I covet the Arsenal and Liverpool defences today but suspect that another set-piece goal or powder puff penalty could rear its head.

Our attempts to predict clean sheets, assess form and fixtures will still continue regardless – but the refs are threatening to ride roughshod over best-laid plans, frustrating Fantasy managers with their penalty box finicking.

Mike Dean almost certainly has a budget defence, and for once, I can’t blame him.