Fantasy Chili Bowl – Week 4

Ooh hello, got a rare mention

My presser was awaiting moderation before being posted, could someone approve it (and delete this post after)?

Indianapolis House of Pancakes - Week 4 Presser

IHOP are heating up, both in the tournament and physically - we're in Albuquerque, New Mexico for a scouting trip. The weather's so hot you could cook a pancake on the sidewalk, as they say over here. Myself and the lads were initially a bit confused why we had to spy on them training before the match, but Pirlo's informed us that he can't get any other info on them.

'By rights they shouldn't even exist', he says. 'They have no posts and I'm not even sure they have FFScout accounts'.

I'm not arguing - I've been at funerals with more banter than what's come out of these fellas so far.

Morph reckons some Malaysian chap with a passing interest in FPL rounded up seven of his mates and joined for a laugh. My pet theory is that they think this is American football. Not that they'd be entirely wrong. Anyway, given how they've played so far, nothing would surprise me. Sure, they might beat Utah, but Utah couldn't buy a win no matter how well they play - my guess is one of them's done something awful in a past life.

We're outside the ground. Haggis is the Scandinavian, so he's the only one tall enough to actually see over the fence. He mutters something about 'short stacks' and peers in.

'What are they doing?' Tinkerman wants to know.

'I don't know. They're just prancing around and throwing the ball at each others' stomachs while shouting a lot, possibly in Chinese' replies Haggis.

'Only one of them's even wearing shoes' AA33 notes.

I chime in; 'Taking your team's gimmick too seriously. A rookie mistake.'

Pirlo shoots me a dirty look. Not wearing my forum avatar gives me less wiggle room to joke about this stuff, I'll admit.

Morph's in better spirits:

'If you're going to recruit from your local minileague, at least pick the top 8 players' he chuckles dryly.

It's a blow to PKW's theory - he reckoned they were a team of robots, rather than men with nothing better to do over the weekend than pray Gareth McCauley doesn't get another jammy goal. Personally I think he just wanted an opportunity to say that they gave him 'the crepes', but in hindsight he had a point.

It's a must-win game. Spectrum and the Holebas lads would be foaming at the mouth if they were up against a team with even less personality than New York. We don't have the energy to start buttering up the organisers, though. Morph has the killer stat:

'We scored the most points last week, they scored the least. I'd say that's relevant' he notes.

'We'll batter them' I shout.

'Flip them out of the tournament' roars Tinkerman.

'Something about beating eggs' Hasselbaink cries triumphantly.

Pirlo's looking on approvingly. Of course, we all know Zlatan's going to score a seventeen minute hat-trick and knock us down to earth, but for now we've got a hell of an appetite for the weekend.

Quick rule change re the play-off draw:

The four conference winners will be seeded 1 to 4 based on total FPL points in the regular season (regardless of win/loss record).

The four runners up will then be drawn to play one of the seeds who weren't in their conference.

The bracket will be fixed so if the seeds all win, the semis will be 1 v 4 and 2 v 3.

i.e, the play-offs will be:

Quarter finals:
Match 1: a runner-up @ seed 1
Match 2: a runner-up @ seed 4
Match 3: a runner-up @ seed 2
Match 4: a runner-up @ seed 3

Semis:
Match A: winner match 2 @ winner match 1
Match B: winner match 4 @ winner match 3

Final (the Texas Chili Bowl):
winner match A v winner match B

When the Washington team bus, Harold, reached the edge of the empty spot on the map near San Antonio, the Presidents disembarked to look around. Ahead of them was an open expanse of nothing, like a god had taken a large eraser and removed all the geographical features.

The one exception was a large fence with a simple sign saying "Area 52. Absolutely no trespassing" and a low concrete building far off in the distance.

Seeing no one around, the presidents hopped back on the bus, used Harold to knock down the fence and drove to the building.

Up close, the building seemed more sinister. Security cameras stared motionless at them, while every door was marked with large biohazard signs.

At what looked like the main door, President Harry Slamdog Truman playfully pretended to try to open it. To his great surprise it swung open.

"I guess someone forgot to lock up," he said.

The Presidents walked in. From the white walls and stainless steel decor, they concluded the building was a laboratory.

"Looks like we've found the lair of the San Antonio Ravers," said President Barack O'Badger as he looked at a stack of papers. One was marked "Top Secret. Raver plans for Fantasy Chili Bowl domination."

The next room they came to had what looked like glass holding cells along the back wall. One cell had sustained severe damage, like something had melted it.

President John F. Keninnsie started rummaging through draws in the lab.

"Alien, 1976," he said reading the label on a rectangular artifact he found. "Here's another from 1986. And 1992 and 1997."

"I don't like the look of this," said President Donald Balders, lifting a large yellow book and reading the title: "Genetic Modification for Dummies."

"I don't know about you, but I could do with a cuppa," said President George W. Oghash. The other presidents agreed this was a fine idea and settled down to discuss what they had learned.

"Putting two and two together," said President Bernie Sauzee, "I'm guessing the Ravers have been dabbling with genetic modification of aliens in some sinister bid to win the Fantasy Chili Bowl."

"That's what it says here," said President O'Badger, reading from the top secret document. "Under the heading 'Mission', it says 'Use genetically-modified aliens to win the Fantasy Chil Bowl'."

As he finished talking, the Presidents heard a strange scuttling noise. It was coming from behind some carts lined up against the wall. President Sauzee walked over to see what it was. He started pulling a cart out, then jumped back as a creature leapt up towards his face. A crab-like creature latched on, its legs fixing rigidly to the side of his head like the hand of a pianist with rigor mortis.

"Get it off me!"

President Franklin Diva Roosevelt grabbed the first thing that came to hand and lobbed it at the creature.

The cup of tea hit the creature, which squealed, dropped to the floor and started scuttering a way. It didn't get far as one of President Abraham Cheeseoid's big red boots came hammering down and squashed it.

The bottom of his boot and the floor started smoking as the liquid oozing from the creature’s flattened carcass began to melt everything it came into contact with.

"Oh great, these things have acid blood," said President Truman.

As President Cheeseoid cleaned his boot, his cell phone rang. It was his deep throat agent.

"Well done President Cheeseoid," the mysterious female voice purred. "You've found the alien lab, but not the Ravers. I can tell you they've arrived in Washington for their Chili Bowl match against you."

The line clicked dead. President Cheeseoid looked up to see a security camera. A red light on the side silently linked at him and he knew Deep Throat was watching. Who was she? President Cheeseoid didn't know.

Turning to the others, he said: "We need to get back to Washington - now!"

"OK, but first let me make a flask for the road," said President Oghash.

The presidents drove Harold as fast as he would go, stopping only to refuel. When they reached Washington they discovered a city in chaos. Looted buildings burned and blood red stains dotted the snow covered streets.

They were driving past a mall when a giant black alien dropped down in front of the bus. Its head was long, black and shiny and when it opened its mouth the Presidents saw what looked like a mouth within a mouth.

President Oghash grabbed the flask on the seat next to him, leaned out of a window and threw it at the alien, shouting "Eat this!"

The alien caught it in its mouth and gave the closest approximation of grinning possible for an exoskeleton alien holding a flask of tea in its gob. Then it crushed the flask between its teeth.

The alien screamed in agony and keeled over, dead.

“Wow, the tea must be poisonous to them,” said President Balders.

“Quick everyone, into the mall,” said President Cheeseoid. “Diva take the team to find water pistols, as many as you can.

“Oggy, you and I will find a coffee shop, put the kettle on and brew as much tea as we can. Guys, I’ll send you a message when I know where we’re brewing. Let’s go.”

As President Cheeseoid began filling the water pistols with tea, President Oghash disappeared. He came back with a large tea urn and a length of hose.

“Fill her up, Cheese,” he said, with a lop-sided grin.

Toting their water pistols, the Presidents left the mall to start alien hunting. As they walked back to Harold, a man stopped them in the street.

“Have you heard? The Mods have taken over the White House?”

“The what?” said President Sauzee.

“The Mods, you know, the genetically modified aliens… they’re in the White House.”

Honking Harold’s horn, the Presidents dashed through Washington to reach the White House, which was eerily quiet without the hordes of tourists outside. There was no security to be seen either, just red streaks in the snow leading to the main house.

Hoisting their tea-laden water pistols, the Presidents made their way quietly up to the front steps and into the building.

Suddenly, a swarm of aliens came scuttling along the roof and walls towards them.

“Fire!” said President Cheeseoid.

The Presidents pressed the triggers on their supersoakers and the aliens started dropping like flies.

But more aliens followed; dozens of them. Soon the Presidents were beginning to run low on char.

“Make way,” said President Oghash and the other Presidents parted to let him through. Strapped on his back, the tea urn bubbled away.

As more aliens scrambled towards the presidents, Oghash opened fire.

“Tea’s up, suckers!”

The aliens melted before the flamer-thrower like blast of Earl Grey he had specially brewed in the urn.

Heartened, the presidents cheered and followed President Oghash as he cleared a way through the White House, right to the door to the Oval Office.

With President Oghash ready to fire, President Franklin Diva Roosevelt gently eased the door open.

As one, the Presidents gasped.

There, on the presidential desk was a huge alien: the queen. She was laying an egg and around her were several dozen more eggs.

The queen let out an otherworldly screech and President Roosevelt pulled the door shut. President Oghash spoke first.

“You guys go get back out there and win the Fantasy Chili Bowl, I’ll tackle this.”

President Cheeseoid put a hand on his shoulder.

“No Oggy, I can’t let you, we’re all in this together.”

“It’s OK, I’ve got this. Go!”

With that, President Oghash kicked open the door and charged in, tea blazing.

As the door swung shut behind him, the queen let out a desperate screech. Outside, the other presidents heard a giant crump, then a huge shockwave threw them down the hallway.

When they came to, there were soldiers everywhere. One came up and saluted President Cheeseoid.

“Sir, I’m Colonel Shoe. Are you OK sir?”

“What happened?”

“You got them, sir. You got all the aliens in the White House. My men have put the kettle on and we’re busy mopping up the others in Washington now.”

“And the presidents?”

“All but one are accounted for, sir. The medic is just finishing checking them out, they’ll be here in a minute.”

“Oggy,” said President Cheeseoid quietly to himself, then to the colonel he added: “Did you find President Oghash? He went into the Oval Office to take out the queen.”

“We’ve search the room and found no sign of him, sir. My men will keep looking but it doesn’t look good.”

President Cheeseoid’s shell went a whiter shade of white.

“The Ravers did this, where are they?”

“The Ravers have left town. They’ve put out a message claiming a win.”

At that moment the other Presidents came down the corridor and gathered around their captain.

“Presidents,” said President Cheeseoid. “We’ve lost Oggy. But our fight is not over. We must win the Chili Bowl.”

And, as one, the Presidents chanted: “Oggy! Oi! Oggy! Oi! Oggy, Oggy, Oggy! Oi, Oi Oi!”

Any parallels to our team name, and a certain pub standard shoulder injured, will be met with smirks 😉

Austin lacking Powers etc

Really not looking forward to this gameweek.

Multiple hits flying around in Cleveland and think we will be starting the weekend on around -40 😯

Think the steam train is about to be derailed. Congratulations on the win sentrymen!

psst
psst
Jacksonville
word from our camp is I will either be playing or benched
gotta go now

Now, this is a story all about how
Las Vegas Lemmings FPL life bout to get flipped-turned upside down
And we'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
To tell you how the little critters gonna get squished by San Jose.

On FFS born and raised
On the laptop was where we spent most of our days
Looking and lurking, posting all cool
And all shootin some stats on the members area tool
When a couple of lemmings who were up to no good
Said they’ve beat San Jose, they were misunderstood
They’re playing the best, they’re gonna run scared
Off the Chilli Bowl cliff they’ll be going in pairs.

They’re a soft little clique and they’re crippled with fear
We’ll be celebrating by Saturday night with a cold beer
A Las Vegas Lemmings victory is all too rare
You’re more likely to see a pig, flying in the air.

They like a gamble, but they can only lose
Hazard or Sanchez captain, doesn’t matter who they choose
They’ll look at our kingdom
As we’re finally here
To sit on our thrones as the FPL Kings San Jose.

This is going to be a hell of an interesting gameweek in the Chili bowl

San Francisco Bulls Deep team news: We have been hit with hits 🙁

Thought we would give a team a fighting chance.
Good time to play us San Diego Casuals. Good luck guys! Love your casual work on here.

Le God

We must win this week to gain revenge on Jennifer Lawrence for sitting on our sacred rocks
Jacksonville and Jennifer both begin with J so clearly they support her.

The casuals probably too busy sampling the latest Cabernet Sauvignon to read this but good luck for our match up. Please take Aguero out lads he's been banned you know

Deep within the granite façade of Mount Rushmore the maglev train arrived from the White House, emerging from beneath the ground and docking in bay number one. The hydraulic door shifted open and the Presidents entered the central chamber. They were silent; still reeling from the loss of George W. Ohgash. The lofty chamber filled with the clip-clop of footsteps on polished granite. The rough walls were lined with portraits of Presidents past, present and future (including Intergalactic President Kim Kardashian). A storm raged above South Dakota, seeping in to the central chamber through the tinted windows high above.

In the centre of the chamber lay a slab covered with a white sheet. The Presidents edged forward. “Are you sure about this?”, asked President John F. Kenninsie. “It’s the only way”, replied President Barack O’Badger. They peeled back the sheet to reveal the withered corpse of Thomas Jefferson. His wig remained pristine but the wrinkles of his velvet blazer were filled with dust. Wires led from the corpse, along the floor and in to the grand fireplace behind. From the fireplace extended an antenna which protruded from George Washington’s head atop Mount Rushmore. “And now we wait”, whispered President F. Diva Roosevelt.

CRASH! A bolt of lightning struck the antenna. Electrical current surged down the pole, through the wires and in to the convulsing corpse. Smoke emanated from the slab. The stench was unbearable. Suddenly the current stopped. With one hand covering his mouth and nose, President Donald Balders rushed to the slab and disconnected the wiring. The body lay still. Through the smoke the figure slowly came in to view. An Under Armour symbol. A chicken standing on a basketball. Well-trimmed stubble. A tightly adjusted scarf. A gargle came through the smoke: “Poch…”. President Cheesoid approached the figure and smirked: “Fellow Commanders-in-Chief, say hello to President Thomas Pocherson”.

Suddenly, the sound of jazz filled the chamber. The Presidents looked up to see two saxophonists abseiling across the tinted windows. “The New Orleans Contes”, growled President Slamdog. “They’ve discovered the base!”, yelled Captain Cheesoid. It was time for action. “Presidents Innsie and Balders, you must stay and protect the base while the rest of us return to secure the White House”. Without second thought Presidents Innsie and Balders grabbed guns from the weapon store as the others ran to the maglev train. As the Presidents zipped along the jazz faded in to the distance. Their hopes of reaching the knockout stages hung in the balance.

The spreadsheet is all updated with this weeks subs

No.of players playing in Fantasy Chili Bowl from :

England - 52
India - 35
Ireland - 12
Australia - 9
Malaysia - 8
Scotland - 6
Canada - 5
New Zealand - 5
Singapore - 4
Sweden - 4
USA - 4
Wales - 4
Finland - 3
Norway - 3
UAE - 3
Central African Republic - 2
Hong Kong - 2
Northern Ireland - 2
Pakistan - 2
Poland - 2
Bangladesh - 1
Bulgaria - 1
Burkina Faso - 1
Cocos Islands - 1
Cyprus - 1
Denmark - 1
French Guiana - 1
Germany - 1
Ghana - 1
Nepal - 1
Netherlands - 1
Qatar - 1
Saudi Arabia - 1
Serbia - 1
Slovakia - 1
South Africa - 1
St.Vincent and the Grenadines - 1
Trinidad & Tobago - 1
Turkey - 1
US Virgin Islands - 1
Wallis & Futune Islands - 1
Zambia - 1

Players from 42 different places playing in Fantasy Chili Bowl......truly a global tournament!
Hurricane Gilbert asked me about the no. of Indians playing so I just thought of posting this interesting fact.
This tournament is a great example of team work. I am thoroughly enjoying this competition.

Is the rumour that Austin Powers are playing Jonty correct? Stewards enquiry on this.

Good luck Salad dodgeroos

Bring it on Lemmings!

we already have a 8 point lead!

Score update from Cleveland:

Philadelhpia
-4

Cleveland
-36

😎

We've somewhat unintentionally gone into the week with no San(c)hez so this could go any way

How come Capoue hasn't scored yet, what is this nonsense?

Differentials raiders v Jamaicans
Raiders
Alonso x2
Lukaku
Brunt
Can
Benteke x2
Pickford
Foster
Kos
Walker x2
Sanchez X 5
Defoe x2
PVA x3
Rose
Clyde x2
Francis
Lovren
Origi

Jamaica
-8
Pieters
Ali
Barrigan
Williams
Karius
Cedric
Amat x3
Costa x3
Holebas x3
Walcott x2
Heaton
Mustafi x2
ineacho x2
Siggy
Hazard x2
Firmino
Kane

we have simialr thing vs the bulls deep. if sanchez scores we lose..

Do San Jose get extra points from Holebas?

I've got Holebas like a lot of my casual team-mates. But some bloke called Cholevas clearly got the 2 assists. It is only a matter of time before FPL realise and correct their mistake.

Think I have us level

Vipers - Magicians update

Magicans +22

Foster x2
Mcauley x3 Walker Azpi Gibson Origi x2

Vs

Vipers -22

Alonso x2 Valencia Brunt Clyne Can Mane Firmino Hazard Carroll Rondon

San Diego Casuals Casually rolling out a Siggy capper and Amat x 2 coming in for Austin.
Casually rolling over the undefeated San Fran Bulls Deep, very annoying but love your casual work fellas 🙂