FFS UEFA Beach Soccer Tournament 2013

**PARAGUAY PRE-MATCH PRESSER**

Berbacat arrives at the Friday Paraguay presser looking sober, dressed in a black-and-white suit while holding a puppet in hand. The puppet is holding a Polar Lager and it takes a swig out of it as the reporters take their seats.

Reporter: Berbacat, first of all, the Japan match last week. Can you explain your omission from the team again, despite having Aguero as ca- *SMASH*

*The reporter is hit on the head by the Polar Lager flung at him by Berbacat’s puppet*

Berbacat: Gracias Hugo. The decision was Teju Jagua’s will, proving to the rest of the team that benching your captain twice in a row is never a good thing. You have no idea how many Polars I threw at the rest of the team after the Saturday games.

Hugo: *hic* I want my beer back *Swears in Guarani*

Reporter: But Berbacat, your team was apparently leading after Saturday’s round of games, and by a healthy amount too. Why were you throwing tantrums at your squad?

Hugo: Because the captain had his captain right for once you numpty!! *hic*

Berbacat: Now now Hugo. We had shown the Japanese too much respect by allowing a team with a Suarez cap to play. Had any of the bench played that Saturday we wouldn’t have to buy extra insurance for the rest of the team, in case the local mobs came after us on Sunday….

Hugo: You should be to blame for that, you indecisive leader. As captain I wouldn’t hav- *SMASH*

*Hugo is decapitated by the red wine bottle Berbacat is now holding in his hands. He skillfully opens it with one hand and downs it in one go.*

Berbacat: Thank you Hugo. *hic*

Reporter: Well, congratulations on being one of the first few teams to qualify for the knockout stages. Since you are guaranteed top spot, what do you think of the Russians, and who would you like to face in the knockout stages?

Berbacat: *hic* Well as for the Russians, I’ll have to wait for McNulty to return from the Russian camp for more info on their, umm, assets. I hear that Anastassija, Yuliya and Tatiana are pretty good. At least we know they won’t be infected. As for the next stage, according to ENR we should be *hic* playing Spain or the-
Reporter: Sorry sir, it’s Group C’s second pla- *THUNK*

*The reporter is taken out by the empty wine bottle thrown at him by Berbacat*

Berbacat: Thank you. I don’t think McNulty’s last session with the Ivorian ladies went that well, so I believe that we shall run into our previous sparring opponents, Brazil. Hopefully McNulty goes the extra mile and brings something extra back for the lads, they could use a lift.

Reporter: I see. Well thank you for your time, and good luck for your match against the Russians.

For the first time in several weeks, the Presser of the Japanese Beach Soccer team is NOT live from beautiful Budokan Hall.

It is live from……….your friendly neighborhood Fazoli’s!

http://thefrugalgirls.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Fazolis1.jpg

“Awwww yeah, son! Free Breadsticks for all the press. “

….yells an excited James Milner from atop the recently-erected podium.

O look, its Gareth Barry in a red apron, serving all the press breadsticks as they wait outside on what appears to be cold folding chairs. They accept the breadsticks, although cautiously.

James Milner holds up what appears to be an ordinary fork.

“Yo, Fazoli’s is proud to announce a four-pronged approach to enhance your eating experience.”

“The details of which are here in this video!”

Two large screens unravel on each side of the stage. Just as they finish a video rolls.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjxsoxHn18w

“Ya hear that? WE GOT REAL F*CKING FORKS, YALL!”

“Take those four prongs, and re-introduce yourself to an old favorite, ya heard! It’s a whole new Fazoli’s!”

“Now, without further ado…..”

*Here Comes the Moneeeeeeeeeeeeey.*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5Xo75bh7no

“Allow me to introduce….”

The music suddenly changes:

*I get money, I get Paper*
*I get girls of different flavas*
*I buy Gucci, I buy Prada*
*I spend dolla afta dolla*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRDlXTgMt7k

“The Japanager himself……Roberto Newman-cini!”

Out from the front door of the restaurant walks Roberto Newmancini. Behind him, Gareth Barry is now carrying a fog machine in order to produce a dramatic effect as The Japanager enters. Newman-cini walks up the stage, holding what a appears to be a plate of spaghetti and a breadstick, stopping to smile and have his picture taken, showing how truly happy a customer of this establishment shall always be!

After the pictures have finished, Newman-cini takes his seat, smiling. He then raises a finger as if he has forgotten something.

“I would like-a to being with thiz.”

“…Nigel?”

Without warning, Nigel De Jong enters the scene, executing a flying kick through the projector screen.

He turns to the press, smiling wickedly.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_uNK_U1hBE_4/TDOxcF2hMsI/AAAAAAAAAJo/iBdqODU9tGk/s320/nigel-de-jong-jokes-240.jpg

Over his head, and now running down his shoulders, is what appears to be his own blood, but is actually Fazoli’s tomato sauce used for dramatic effect. Newmancini, without missing a beat, continues.

“If-a any of you are a theenking of asking me a negative question, I would-a like you to remember what Nigel does when you insult his favorite-a manager.”

“I advize-a you all. Tread Lightly.”

“Questions?”

A particularly brave reporter stands.

“Japanager. Why are we here? What was the problem with Budokan Hall?”

The Japanager smiles at this question.

“I am so glad-a you asked that question. Why not Budokan Hall? Because Budokan hall does not have-a the brand new look. Budokan hall does not have-a a brand new menu! Budokan hall does not have-a service at your table!”

“And you can be damn sure-a my friendz…..Budokan Hall does not have real forks!”

“There, four great reasons why everyone around the wordl should be at their local Fazoli’s at these-a very moment! Who knows? Maybe a future presser will be in your hometown Fazoli’s next week!”

“Japanager, what of the possibility of there not BEING a next week? Your team had a prime opportunity to close out the group this week, and…..”

There is, sadly, no second half of the reporter’s sentence, or, alas, his life. Nigel does what Nigel does, breaking the man’s neck with both sheer brutality and disturbing quickness. Deep down, he hopes that Hatem Ben Arfa is at home, sh*tting himself in fear.

Newmancini is left to shake his head.

“tsk tsk tsk. Eff-a only he had phrased-a his question a little differently. “

“Our defeat, while embarrassing and truly gutting, eez-a merely a bump in-a ze road. My-a team had been-a too confident. Better to have-a their wake up call now then in the knock-out ztagez!”

“All has worked out to our good.”

Another member of the press, rather warily, volunteers a question.

“ So, Japanager, what kind of team will you be fielding this week? Your captain, Ryan, has yet to play a single minute, as has top-scoring bench player Ruplestilskin.”

“I foresee both of zem playing zis week. Zere are other decisions to be made, but I would expect zem both-a this week. Zey have earned it. “

“As-a for ze rest of ze team, who can say? We have two more-a days of training to prepare-a for zis crucial tie.”

A third member of press still has blood/Fazoli’s sauce dripping of her glasses as she fearfully stands and asks a question.

“Japanager, the Ivory Coast team followed your example in upsetting Russia. You now face them with a crucial spot in the knockouts hanging in the balance. You thoughts on the Ivory Coast team?”

“We-a have studied ze video for zis match, and we are-a confidently prepared for ze upcoming match against Russia.”

The press looks at each other in bewilderment. It appears Newman-cini is, once again, unaware of who his teams actual opponent is this week.

“Uh…..Japanager, are you aware that this weeks opponent is actually…

“I am a quite aware of who we play zis week. Two weeks ago, I thought we were-a playing the D’ivorce Court. It turned out we were playing-a Russia. My confusion brought us a victory.”

“Last-a week….zer was no meestake. I zaid we were playing Paraguay, and we did. As a result of-a me correctly identifying our opponent, we-a lozt!”

“Clearly, my mistake was identifying the correct opponent. Our key to victory eez-a me tricking myself into thinking we play Russia thees-a week!

“Ze D’ivorce Court will never see it-a coming!”

“…. Mean, zose pezky Russians!”

The press are utterly baffled by this ridiculous strategy.

“Zat, my friends of ze press…..ees what I call tactics!”

“Before any ozzer questions…..now eez-a the time for haiku!”

“Our defeat was dark
but now our eyes look eastward
to the Rising Sun!”

“Ozzer questions?”

***SENEGOAL PRESS CONFERENCE***

Reporter: Senegoal go into the clash with Brazil knowing that only a win would take them to the knockout stages. What’s the mood in the camp?


Christina: Of course we would have liked to have won last week and kept our momentum going but it’s important that we handle the situation.

The atmosphere in the Tahiti strip clubs and bars this week has been brilliant, the lads have all been buzzing and are desperate to play.

It’s a case of making sure we take those chances when they come, because we know we’ll create them.

Reporter: Any changes to the starting line up?

Christina: Forca got stung by a bee so he won't make the starting line up.

He didn’t let the injury affect him during our late nights out on the town which is a testament to his character. We are not taking any chances though as his swollen lip might get badly sunburned.

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2012/5/18/83372494-f7e7-492a-8035-d44e8072b560.jpg

Beric got concussed in a freak accident on the beach and won't play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aUJXe-iTnc

Canadian Football keeps his place. We need to blame someone if we lose.
I'm starting for the first time.My experience should come in handy in this must win situation.

Starting: Evs/Christina/Champ/Canadian Football/Lateriser/Epic fail/Acquafresca

Our Bench: TommyT(Id = 4669),Forca(id = 241),Beric (id = 283) and Snakejuice(id= 7059 )

Reporter: All the bar owners are hoping Senegoal go home so that this place can turn back to normal. What's your take on this?

Christina: Brazil will be a tough test but we know we are good enough to get a result.
It’s frustrating to be in the position we are in but we feel our two differentials will secure us the win we need.

Reporter: Who are the differentials ?

Christina: Will you believe me if I say Gerrard and Pienaar?

Reporter: 😆