Introducing the FIFFSA Five-a-Side World Cup

Standby for some important news from Switzerland...

Major Frank Ducette slammed his coffee cup on the roof of the squad car, yanked the door open, threw his file inside, grabbed his coffee and jumped in.

“Go” he barked at the young Stadtpolizei Zürich korporal driving.

Ducette smoothed down his rumpled woolen jumper and opened the file. He looked at the surveillance images inside: President Balders flashing his bling, the friendly round shape of Secretary-General Cheesoid, vice-president Jaffa looking so sweet he could cause cavities, vice-president Blue Lion all noble and serene, vice-president BabyB staring back with wide-eyed innocence and vice-president Diva hiding his face behind a thick beard. He slammed the file shut again as the car pulled out of the underground car park and into the daylight.

The major was trembling and not just because it was 8am and he was only on his third coffee of the day. He had been after FIFFSA since Sepp Balders and his motley crew had set up camp in Switzerland. He could sense something wasn’t right with this lot and he was determined to get them. Now his chance had come.

Ducette rubbed his cheek as he looked out on a Zürich shrouded in a haze. His mind wandered to the slap that had caused the mild swelling on his cheek. The Major had tried to strike up a relationship with Helga, a young receptionist turned informer from FIFFSA headquarters, but he had received a slap across the face for his troubles. Ducette knew he should stop modelling himself on Swedish detectives by drinking coffee at every opportunity and trying to have an affair every week, but with no famous modern Swiss detective stereotypes he didn’t know where to turn.

Before Ducette had made his move, Helga had told him the FIFFSA Executive was planning to meet for a strategy session. Finally, here was his chance to nab all of them together. The farce last week of watching a FIFFSA spokesman struggling to speak over the racket of shredding machines running non-stop – destroying potential evidence no doubt – had made Ducette’s blood boil.

The breakthrough for the police came when they intercepted the lorry load of Jaffa Cakes at the French border – the shipment from Barcelona had Jaffalicous’ metaphorical sticky fingerprints all over it. The idea that FIFFSA could be induced by sweet treats into recognizing Catalonia had enraged the Spanish Government and it started making veiled threats to Switzerland. Fearing their famed neutrality was in jeopardy, Ducette’s lone investigation suddenly received plentiful resources.

Now his squad car was hurtling around Zürich street corners, heading up a task force geared up for a morning raid on FIFFSA as their executive gathered to meet. Ducette drained the last of his coffee.

“Nearly there,” said the korporal.

“Good,” growled the major back at him. “I need a coffee.”

The car rounded one more bend and jerked to a halt, sending Ducette to the limit of his seat belt. “What the…” he barked while scrabbling to unfasten his seatbelt so he could get out and shout at someone.

“Sir…”

Ducette pushed open the door and looked out. In front of him there was an inferno. FIFFSA’s headquarters was burning to the ground before his eyes.

“Sir,” said the Korporal again.

“Get me some coffee,” screamed Ducette.

The heat was so intense Ducette had to heave his jumper off. He threw it to the ground in a rage. Beneath one sleeve was a CD case. Ducette picked it up and read the handwritten message inside: Dear Sepp, You need to listen to more Winehouse. Love, Kim.

Around Ducette’s head fluttered strips of paper, like Nakatomi snow from a Die Hard movie. Ducette snatched one out of the air: Pakistan team sheet. Another said: Unaffiliated player list.

The korporal came back clutching a coffee, which Ducette grabbed from his hand.

“You should see this sir,” said the korporal.

“See what?”

“I think you should see for yourself.”

The korporal lead Ducette past the firefighters tackling the blaze to the loading bay at the back of the building.

“Well, what is it korporal?”

“That dumpster sir, look.”

“I don’t follow. What’s special about it?”

“Underneath it sir,” said the korporal, who kept talking as Ducette’s eyes flashed with recognition and he stepped toward the dumpster. “A fire engine hit it and pushed it to one side, revealing that.”

Where the dumpster had been was now a hole, a suspiciously tunnel-shaped hole.

“Get a flashlight from the car, and my jumper,” said Ducette, as he began clambering into the hole.

The korporal returned a minute later as Ducette was throwing an empty coffee cup out of the hollow.

“Follow me,” shouted the major and he disappeared into the dark.

The tunnel had tracks like those in a mine. The two police officers had been walking between the rails for 90 minutes according to the korporal’s watch when they finally saw a shaft of light at the of the tunnel.

They emerged, blinking, into the sunlight to the sound of propellers churning. “Duck!” shouted Ducette as a plane wing passed overhead, the propeller narrowly missing their heads.

The aircraft slowed and turned. Ducette jumped out of the tunnel as the cockpit came into view. There in the front seat was President Balders wearing a Hawaiian shirt and laughing jovially as vice-president Diva paused the aircraft and adjusted the controls.

Behind the wing, the unmistakable ovoid shape and red shoes of vice-president Cheeseoid could be seen stuffing a bag of golf clubs into the back seat and easing himself in after.

“Stop!” shouted Ducette and he began running towards the plane. As the rear door slammed shut, the aircraft accelerated. Ducette had to leap into the grass beside the runway. Looking back, he saw the wheels lift off from the ground and the aircraft take to the sky like an overburdened albatross.

A few dollar bills fluttered around in the draft of the departing aircraft as the korporal walked over to Ducette.

“I need a coffee,” he said.

Has anyone seen Rukawa of late? Can't seem to get through to him.

Team Brazil is proud to announce their full squad for the upcoming FIFFSA World Cup tournament:

http://imgur.com/a/LmzfA

‣ Rodallegabomb (c)
‣ Heels_Over_Head (vc)
‣ Your Mum's Athletic (aka Gigginho)
‣ Adam West
‣ Arvin-ation
‣ TheFantasyFreak

We are also proud to confirm the appointment of several staff members:

http://imgur.com/a/rnP5e

‣ Manager: Fat Ronaldo
‣ First Team Coach: Ronaldinho
‣ First Team Doctor: Eva Carneiro

The squad trained as a group for this first time today, with the players responding well. We all came through virtually unscathed. There were a couple of knocks and niggles; which can be expected considering one of the players is 75.

In order to prepare the team for the upcoming tournament, and to prevent another 7-1 thrashing, the coaching staff have begun implementing double training sessions, which has taken its toll on the players.

Photographs of the training session(s) can be found below:

http://imgur.com/a/9st7Y

Finally, we are pleased to announce that after hours of practice off the pitch, and off the training ground, the team has nailed down its celebration:

http://i.imgur.com/tWZVZKb.jpg

I'll just leave this out there ... 😀

http://members.fantasyfootballscout.co.uk/my-stats-tables/view/11729/

Jamaica will crush everyone.

Justsayin

I received a invitation for representing Japan, thank you.

Who plays for Japan?

errr would anyone mind if we had 7 players?

@ rodellega bomb

Can you grav me up?? 🙂

And I am a free agent, somebody employ me!

Team France would like to enquire how the seeding for the upcoming 5-a-side tournament will be implemented.

And on a side note what sort of actions a Team Captain could do to improve his/her side from meeting Brazil in the first round.

And on a completely separate note, I have come into some rather tasty Chateau Haut Brion '96 of late and may have a couple of bottles spare.....

Twitter Request

Can everyone who has been using FFS twitter team accounts in previous competitions please delete or change the twitter handles because it stops other people using them in new competitions.

I had trouble in the last competition because FFSIndia and IndiaFFS were both taken. So can you check to see if you are sitting on a team handle?

Is anyone looking for a member for their team? I promise to be a dedicated team member that will work hard for the team. My best finish in FPL was inside the top 4 thousand.

Scotland team is complete
no names yet
but highest finish by the players
player 1= past winner
player 2= 234th
player 3= 156th
player 4= 32nd
player 5= 12th
player 6= eh that's me

currently all are sitting inside top 7500.
no potatoes in our squad

breaking news

fiffsa member accused of torturing players
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/34644191

looks a lot like baby b

The first batch of commemorative notes for the FIFFSA Five-A-Side World Cup are now on the market. The Brazilian Central Bank launched the new 5 reais notes for ordinary circulation – on Tuesday (27 October). The first set of notes to be launched depict Batman who recently took time to visit Brazil in the run up to the World Cup http://blogs.ft.com/photo-diary/files/2014/01/batman.jpg
https://imgflip.com/i/t7445
The notes were designed and produced by the Brazilian Central Bank and Brazilian Mint, with technical support from the Fédération Internationale de Fantaisie Football Scout Association Organising Committee for the FIFFSA Five-A-Side World Cup.
http://favim.com/image/534702/

I went to a football game and saw a Mexican wave, so I waved back.

Enter the Badger

The private jet had been part of the “gift” provided by the Thailand FA as part of their “bid” for the 2015 5-A-Side World Cup. It was fully stocked with everything we could desire. Diva and myself whiled away the flight with an extensive game of snooker and were working our way through the comprehensive drinks cabinet while Sepp Balders took advantage of the services provided by the hot and cold running hostesses.

The FIFFSA jet set down in the Seychelles, where we planned to take stock of the situation and discuss the way forward. We met Blue Lion at the landing strip who had news from our other board members BabyB and Jaffalicious, which he told us was not good. We promised we would discuss it and form a way forward for FIFFSA through these troublesome times.

After a luxurious night spent at FIFFSA's 6 star retreat on a small private island we decided to take a round of golf and enjoy the complimentary championship golf course which had been made available solely for our use during our stay. This is exactly the sort of strategy meeting us at FIFSA are used too.

Blue Lion was winning by two shots despite Diva constantly chasing the golf balls off the tee and barking at his amusing trousers. Sepp Balders was clearly the worse for wear after a particularly heavy Bunga Bunga party the preceding night and I was more interested in getting to the 19th hole where the real games would begin.

On the fairway of the 6th hole we heard a noise in the distance, it was a low sad howl, the kind of howl produced by a lonely wounded animal who knew that its time had come. Somehow this noise despite being haunting also seemed undoubtedly familiar.

We left our golf cart and went to investigate. Beyond the lush palm trees at the end of the vast long sandy beach (this resort really was seriously top notch) we came across a cave. A grunting noise seemed to be coming from within, we pressed on to the back of the cave. There seemed to be a feral badger moving amongst the volcanic rocks which scattered the back of the cave forming some kind of neolithic hut.

It saw us, it came at us swiftly with a wild, crazed look in it’s eyes then it stopped. The eyes cleared and we saw a moment of recognition there. It was mutual. That feral badger, that poor, wild, unkempt beast was our old friend BSLOE Badger and the look on his face changed from crazy to relief.

Then he looked at me and Diva and the look turned to anger and distrust. Despite his maddening rage he clearly remembered.

To us it seemed like another lifetime but he clearly simmered with rage and it drove his inner soul. We looked at each other with guilt clearly flooding our faces as we knew had been responsible for turning this once proud Mustelidae and leader of men into the wretch we saw before us.

We remembered how we had been part of his team in the UAE, a wealthy band of brothers , but in defeat and in our frustration we had performed mutiny. We had set him adrift from our luxury gold plated yacht and then the band had gone their separate ways

It became clear that in his time alone BSLOE Badger was no longer quite right. He could no longer speak he could merely grunt and gesture wildly to tell his story.

And this is how he went on with his tale.

He had drifted on his raft for days, weeks or maybe even years, he could no longer tell any more as day went to night and then back again. Some days had lasted forever and through some he barely seemed conscious. He survived by catching small fish in his thong and purifying water through his now extensive beard.

He grunted on with increasingly wild and elaborate gestures. By the time he had washed up on this island he had almost forgotten his life of wealth and luxury altogether and was well on his way to becoming the lonely beast before us.

In the months he had lived on the island he had retained some sense of sanity by talking to his friend cricket ball named Wilson. Wilson sat sadly in the corner, he had clearly been subject to more than just “friendship” as his sad moptop sat at an angle atop his head telling a story of its own.

He had fashioned a basic clothing from palm leaves to protect his modesty. From this we knew some of Badgers pride remained and he could be rehabilitated from this sorry state. He had never even realised he was only meters off of the 6th fairway of the hotel golf course and the luxury within when Blue Lion explained how close he was to salvation his face showed shock and disbelief.

Then again he looked at Diva at myself and let out one low grunt. It was clear what he was saying.

Traitors!

We were and we knew it. How could he forgive us? How could we forgive ourselves too?

Blue Lion held him back concerned for his team mates safety. This is not the kind of encounter you prepare for at the edge of your luxury resort and BSLOE Badger had proven before he was a dangerous foe. Of course previously we had been allies and we had been thankful for it.

At this moment the President Sepp Balders stepped in. Ever the diplomat he is at ease in even the toughest of situations but this tested him to the limit.

Sepp dizzied us all with his wit and logic and once again we all fell under his spell. He displayed exactly the consummate political skill which had kept him as president of FIFFSA since its formation in 1988.

At the end our relationship with Badger had been renewed. Sepp promised Badger that as compensation for his mistreatment by his former allies we would be teammates again and Badger was promised a shot at the ultimate prize.

He didn’t mention that he knew we already had a full team, but we knew somehow space would have to be made. Badger was due that much at least.

At this moment Blue Lion stuck BSLOE Badger with a volcanic rock knocking him unconscious on the cave floor to subdue him. Unused to physical labour we carried him back to the golf cart and back to our resort.

By the time he awoke the staff at the resort had trimmed his hair, shaved and bathed him along with tailoring him an entire wardrobe fit for a king. He was well on his way to looking like the BSLOE Badger we knew. Although there clearly remained a wild look in his eyes no amount of pruning could remove that.

Myself and Diva do not know if we can ever truly forgive ourselves and will try every day to win back the Badgers trust. But we will strive to win, to win in his name, and to restore the Badgers pride in full.

We wait to see if BSLOE Badgers voice returns in full but we hope that the pride he can show in representing our new country can make the Badger roar again.

Now we can discuss the future of FIFFSA….

current mid of Sanchez, Payet, Ayew, Mahrez, Wanyama and have pretty much made the decision to bench Mahrez due to having Vardy

Wanyama > ??

A) KDB (uses all in bank, safe but boring)
B) Sterling (rotation risk and unreliable)
C) Mane (have Pelle although this doesn't really matter)
D) Get punty (Cabaye/Wijnaldum/Barkley/Eriksen)

Cheers

Standby for breaking news from Lisbon!

________NORTH KOREAN TEAM MEMBERS_________

TOP SECRET: ( For Your Eyes Only )___Delete after reading.
document no: 431100666

Hello Comrades,

I hope I find you well and healthy and wish you the very best of luck for the weekend.

Prior to our team announcement tomorrow, we outline below a slight change to the structure of how we select our team to play each week of the competition.

1/ In the first match I will sit out, as a thank you to our team, for accepting to play for the great North Korea.

2/ Thereafter, the individual team that performs the weakest for North Korea, will be the team benched for the next match.

3/ If there are two teams tied with the lowest score, the team benched will be decided as follows :
a) The team with the fewest goals scored will be benched.
b) If the teams are still tied, the team with the fewest assists will be benched.
c) If the teams are still tied, the team with the worst performing defense (including goalkeeper) will be benched.
d) In the unlikely event of it still being a tie, the team being benched will be decided by a draw or coin toss.

Put simply, the worst point scoring team will be benched for the following game. This will create a fun competition within the competition for our team. It also does away for the need to draw or select a team each week. This is good for me administratively, as the team will virtually run itself. And remember under this system you will never be benched for two consecutive weeks__In fact you may never be benched at all if you consistently do well!

I hope this meets with the teams approval

Kind Regards,

Ping Pong Pinkfish.

While we're standing by for news from Lisbon, one name I haven't seen around here is Shadow. I would have thought he would be all over a competition (a) not run be ENR and (b) where there are no rules about when you can start recruiting . . . oh, wait . . .

Ja mon. Do shorter press conferences yo.

#puffpuffpass

Team Portugal are proud to announce their full squad for the upcoming FIFFSA World Cup tournament:

Jose's Magic Omelette (c)
Djerbil
Costa's Portugese Counsellor
CaptainLeaderLegend
Big Sum
Gazpilicueta

We are also proud to confirm the appointment of the following backroom staff who we hope will ensure no refereeing mistakes go unpunished:

Player Manager: Jose's Magic Omelette
First Team Coach: Rui's Ferocious Roar

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02907/angry_2907245a.jpg

We would also like to announce the appointment of our first team doctor, in his 60s he is not naive by any interpretation of the word and, most importantly, is physically incapable of getting from the bench to touchline in less than 3 minutes.

First Team Doctor: Paco Brioche

The squad trained together for the first time last weekend and all managers responded well. With three green arrows all are now well inside the top 500K while two find themselves in the heady heights of the top 50K. All are now adjusting their squads in preparation for the opening round.

#BeChampions

This is all much too friendly. Where is the tension? Where are the accusations of tampering, of gaining advantage, of tapping up? I want to see at least one high-profile team switch, followed by some pious, get-in-there-first judgmenalism about how some people don't play fair. Is that too much to ask?

Team Mexico would like to officially request seeding ahead of the FIFFSA draw. As THE concacaf giant we expect nothing less. However if this does not suffice we are willing to make a payment of an undisclosed fee agree upon with the powers that be. Please note that this will constitute a 'gentleman's agreement' and therefore neither of the parties involved will be liable to prosecution.

Saludos,

Daas (el capitán del equipo mexicano)

An announcement from the Govenor of Brazil will be made shortly, regarding pre-tournament plans.

Since everyone is making announcements, we will do our bit.

Our Coach and Mascot : https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/33eba4f74dcab3c76080a331a178dc36c721e749/0_150_1790_1074/master/1790.jpg?w=620&q=85&auto=format&sharp=10&s=1b0a93b2c332bb89d6d451d39d33f368

Our Philosophee : http://40.media.tumblr.com/5138ce7edd73ab31ee9070ee5d54babb/tumblr_mtbdfrdWk41s25v1eo1_1280.jpg

Our tactics : https://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/PUFF%20PUFF%20PASS-225.jpg

Can the mods push this up the articles list.

Breaking News: Catalonia banned from FIFFSA 5-a-side world cup

Following the previously reported complaint from Spain regarding Catalonia's participation in the world cup, FIFFSA would like to provide the following statement:

"Participation in the FIFFSA 5-a-side world cup is only available to the 209 registered nations. These guidelines are clear and unambiguous. As Catalonia is not a registered nation, it has no grounds to participate at the tournament.

It should be noted that with this ruling, FIFFSA does make any representation for or against independence of the Catalan region. This is solely a matter for the involved nations and inhabitants."

There are currently 49 confirmed nations in the FIFFSA 5-a-side world cup, should other willing captains still wish to register, a guide of the registered nations can be found at:

http://www.fifa.com/associations/

FIFFSA would like to highlight that there are nations outside of Europe that play football and would encourage any prospective managers to consider this when selecting which nation to represent.