FFS UEFA Beach Soccer Tournament 2013

::::: TEAM BRAZIL EMERGENCY PRESS CONFERENCE :::::

The bustling crowd of hastily gathered reporters sit with fertile anticipation and fevered brows, anxious to uncover just what actually happened on this ill fated night...*

Today was deadline day for the squad submission... but that was several hours ago now... and Zepinho is still nowhere to be found...

Suddenly an announcement is heard over the tannoy...

"... Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage weighing in at 149 pounds... rated by many as the best pound for pound manager of the last decade... with 219 wins, ALL of them coming by way of crushing knockout, and only 27 defeats, this man has won every competition he has ever entered, has held every title known to man, essentially he is...

THE UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD....

THE ONE, THE ONLY....

ZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

*The doors blast open... a grand entrance beckons...

... but wait... nothing.... no one is there... the announcer claws at his tightly fitting collared shirt with an uncomfortable peripheral gaze towards the door...

The crowd having been awestruck by such an overbearing and overblown introduction now up on their feet frozen, stood there in silence, all rubbernecking toward the entrance door, and all clamouring to catch the first glimpse, to see the great man himself in person...

Suddenly a loud noise is heard in the distance... one reporter exclaims, "the sound is coming for just beyond the door, he's here, he's finally here... AHHH I'M SOOO EXCITED"

The reporter was right, the sound was coming from beyond the grand entrance... it was the sound of bickering voices... the sound gets progressively louder... louder still...

AND WITH A SUDDEN BANG...

In falls Zepinho... absolutely legless...stumbling all over the place... alongside him, hand in hand with Zepinho, three of his most beautiful bikini clad Brazilian beach soccer babes, doing the best they can to keep him upright as they guide him over the the table...

Zepinho unable to hold himself up, stumbles across to his seat with the helps of his assistants... and in the most ungraceful way collapses into the chair, barely managing to stay upright...

Without any hesitation, an impatient reporter leaps up and asks... "so Mr Zepinho, did we have a good night last night?

Zepinho, peering through his still triple glazing beer goggles looks towards the looks-way-hotter-than-she-actually-is reporter, calmly and slowly mumbles, "I.. eh.. can't remember too much about anything last night... eh... what time is it?"

In a desperate attempt to save face and lighten up the mood, one of the bikini clad hotties told the reporter a story..."Mr Zepinho probably can't remember this, but I can tell you one thing that happened last night... he ran up to this huge biker dude, and shouted AHH HAGRID, YOU'RE REAL!!!"

"Oh my God," gasped the reporter... "what did the biker do?"

"He hugged him...", replied the bikini clad hottie, in somewhat anti climactic fashion...

Zepinho interrupts, "Ah, that explains the faint scent of shite on my clothes"...

The bikini clad hotties all look at each other smirking and grimacing, but giving nothing away...

"Any other stories to tell?" asked another reporter almost patronizingly, obviously not amused by what he was seeing here...

The bikini clad hottie answers... "Yes there is another one I can tell you about... he kidnapped a cat we found in the street, and stuffed it in to a pillow... shouting.. it's a pillow, it's a pet... it's a PILLOW PET!!!"

As if in disbelief at what he just heard, Zepinho put his head in his hands... seconds later he proceeds to vomit all over the floor... at seeing this the crowd start to vomit all over each other, the stench in this place is just awful... was this the apocalypse?

He wipes his mouth... and gets ready to speak...

"... Ah there, that's much better... I'm OK now... I'm ready to get down to business... I will speak, and there will be no further questions..."

"... It is true that I have missed the deadline, but you see this was all part of my Masterplan... I can't tell you anything about that just yet, you will see...

"... What I can say is this... I had a very difficult decision to make with regards to my final bench spot, and it seems that fate has chosen for me..."

"... Having spoken with my C and VC, Louisão and Berbilinho, I had already resolved to bench Zero Gravitinho, Yossinho, and Chrissy Dunga anyway for various reasons which I will not discuss here, and then either Megatronaldinho or Pratikaka taking the final bench spot..."

"... The last decision came down to whether or not we thought the Aguero differential that Mega had would be a good or a bad thing for us, depending entirely on how we saw the Chelsea-Citeh game going... but alas that final decision was taken out of my hands... hopefully a good omen for us..."

"... I have to admit that I was rather fortuitous in that the guys that were benched by default were the ones we had chosen to bench anyway... (in line with the rules of the tournament the bottom 4 teams will be benched in case of a missed deadline squad submission)..."

"... I will endeavour to never let this happen again... I am truly sorry to everyone who I've let down, and especially to Pratikaka, who might feel most hard done by this..."

"... Good luck to everyone involved this week..."

"... I have nothing more to say to you people..."

Without a moments notice, Zepinho is gone...

END....

Team UAE Manager, Emir Heels Over Head, has just walked over to the media section with his entourage.

"My most humble apologies to the fifth estate. Team UAE was unable to provide the normal pre-match press conference yesterday as many members of our staff and players have taken a shine to Tahitian women. We spent most of the day yesterday making arrangements with the families of these women for these women to be various players 3rd, 4th & so on wives."

Reporter #1: "Do you think this will impact your play on the pitch today?"

Emir Heels: "Honestly, I think it will be most nice to have many members of our new Tahitian family on site here today cheering on our team for the win. I would expect the crowd to be almost 50/50 for Team UAE today despite playing the tournament hosts."

Reporter #2: "You're playing in a 3-1-2 formation again even though that formation lost your friendly against the Islamic Republic of Iran."

Emir Heels: "First of all, we wish our fellow members of the Islamic Federation of Beach Soccer a pleasant day today as they set about smiting all the infidels in Group C. As to formation, we really have noticed in training, and in everything he has done since we came to Tahiti, that Sheik Dogba's natural position is in the hole. He's really very active there, and I think a lot of people will enjoy how much movement he brings in the hole."

Reporter #2 follows up: "Wasn't your start player, The Gravless Sheik Of Dreams in the hole last time out? Isn't he on the bench today? Was this a decision based on his play or on racial profiling?"

Emir Heels: "The United Arab Emirates is the global leader in supporting the rights of the gravless. The Gravless Sheik Of Dreams had a few too many hits off the shisha pipe while talking strategy with Le Kerfuffle from the Islamic Republic of Iran in the Islamic Federation of Beach Soccer tent. He's had some shortness of breath yesterday in training and we decided to let him rest it off today. Nothing more to it than that."

Reporter #1: "Your lineup has Sheik Al-Wasabi at wingback behind The Banana Sheik. There were rumors of a bust up between Wasabi and Banana in practice. Any truth to this?"

Emir Heels: "Please. Wasabi and Banana go together like hummus and pita, or like your ham and cheese. They had some heated negotiations as they both fancied the same twin Tahitian ladies and in the end The Banana Sheikh did not want to split them, so they are now his wife #2 and wife #3. Sheikh Al-Wasabi and The Banana Sheikh came to a suitable conclusion to the matter, and I think you will be impressed by their link-up play today."

Reporter #2: "What about Sheik Ray In Dubai at the other wingback position. This is his first time playing in tournament play with Sheik Henry Hill as the striker in front of him. He's only 19, do you think he can handle the pressure?"

Emir Heels: "I really must be going to the touchline now to chat with the team. To your question, I can only say, you would not Hazard to question Sheikh Ray In Dubai's starting role if you had done some research prior to the tournament and seen him play. I expect him to assist Sheik Henry Hill on quite a few goals today. Thank you."

* Abruptly waves and walks away with entourage and Royal Mascot, John Terry's Dog. Emir Heels waves to cheering fans in the crowd as he deliberately walks across the middle of the pitch where Team Tahiti are warming up. John Terry's Dog gives ENR's leg a little shower en route and then runs over to The Banana Sheikh twins for a cuddle.

Live form Tahiti it's the Solomons Islands Game week 1 press conference:

All right, we're in Tahiti, the place is crawling with smokin' hot chicks, many wearing little more than grass skirts and come hither smiles, but my team insisted I introduce them at a press conference. So the team is
Little Dancer (c),
Goooooooaldigger,
BAPS (not a sexual innuendo),
Philman,
Konehead,
Zan Keroski,
Sir Arselot, (also not a sexual innuendo).

They insisted on a pep talk too, Here goes . . . "Suit up! Score! Be awesome! . . . but before we do all that, let's get this beach soccer game thing out of the way.'

In conclusion I'd just like to say . . . "wow check out the banging reporer, say have you met my friend Konehead?"

:Press conference ends abruptly: