Say What?

Say What? returns for a new season of quotes to make you laugh and cry – if you live life on an emotional knife edge, that is.

With the almost painfully quotable Zlatan currently recovering from injury before he decides on the itinerary of his next ego trip, we might be short of a few bizarre animal analogies this year.

Instead, we’ll start with a curiously contented Jose Mourinho, a budding bromance among his forwards, the team of Fantasy Phil Jones and more besides.

There’s also Theo Walcott literally looking up to a new team-mate, Arsene Wenger’s personal hunger games and Pep’s rotation fixation.

Merciful Mourinho

Something strange is happening at Old Trafford – Jose Mourinho seems to be enjoying life.

The United manager spent all of last season holed up in a Manchester hotel, like some kind of high-end Alan Partridge.

And his mood – a toxic mix of negativity, waspishness and self-pity – seemed to rub off on his players, who produced football so uninspiring that even Eric Djemba Djemba probably felt like denying he’d ever pulled on the famous shirt.

Among Mourinho’s worst crimes of the campaign were overseeing a side that managed to score just 26 goals in front of their own fans – the buccaneering joie de vivre of Tony Pulis’ West Brom managed 27 – and publicly slagging off any player he fancied, particularly struggling defenders called Luke Shaw.

So there’s good news for the 5.2% of Fantasy Premier League managers who have stuck by new centre-half Victor Lindelof through thin and thinner. Because Jose’s feeling just as loyal.

“I think Real Madrid (in the Super Cup) was too early for him. He played because Jones and Bailly were both suspended. I had players coming from different leagues to the Premier League and normally it is not easy. The difference with Lukaku and Matic is that they have years of experience of the Premier League.”

The even better news is that Mourinho is tipping Lindelof for great things.

“In 2004 I bought a phenomenal central defender to England, Ricardo Carvalho. He was one of the best central defenders in the last decade in the Premier League. But he struggled and it was difficult for him to come and adapt in the beginning.”

The bad news is that Jose is happy to preach patience.

“Victor needs a little bit of time and he is going to have that time. Let’s go step by step because Victor is a fantastic player.”

Patience is not something FPL managers have much use for – particularly regarding a 5.4-priced (yep, it’s already dropped) defender with less pitch-time than a matchday mascot.

But United’s opening schedule is so pleasing (swa, LEI, sto, EVE, sot, PAL) and Mourinho’s taste for clean sheets so ingrained that owning a United defender is a bit of a no-brainer.

Swapping Lindelof for facial gymnast Phil Jones might be aesthetically displeasing, but it’ll bank you 0.4 and, for now at least, get you a first-team regular.

And talking of the Differently Beautiful One, Jones’ FPL team has been revealed to the world, and it doesn’t contain Lindelof.

Nor does it contain Phil Jones, which is modest of him, but he was canny enough to pick one United player – and captain him – for Gameweek 1.

That player was Romelu Lukaku, and the big Belgian has been talking up a team-mate as he himself takes to his new surroundings.

“With me and Marcus (Rashford), there’s something special. Hopefully we can produce even more than we did today. We clicked from the first day that I arrived, and I knew that he would help me settle in at the club.”

While Lukaku rightly grabbed the acclaim for his two-goal domestic debut for United, Rashford was pretty impressive against West Ham as well, setting up one goal and being deeply unlucky not to score himself when one snapshot hit the post and ran across the goal before scurrying to safety.

The world, his wife and Phil Jones are among the 51.9% of managers on Lukaku at the moment, while Rashford is owned by just 5.8%.

Doubling up on United strikers is decidedly risky, of course. But Rashford’s 7.5 price and those early fixtures are still very tempting.

Throw in a trip to Swansea City this weekend to face a team with a particular weakness down their right flank – they allowed more crosses (17) and chances created (nine) on that side than any other Gameweek 1 side – and maybe doubling up on United strikers is forward thinking indeed.

And, quite frankly, any double act’s got to be better than the cringeworthy synergy of ‘Pogkaku’ that’s currently doing the rounds among some United fans – even if it’s Rashfaku.

In fact, on reflection, definitely if it’s Rashfaku… Romecus Rashfaku.

Thus freed to be himself again, Paul Pogba can then concentrate on improving his attacking returns for the 22.6% of us who own him.

The received wisdom was that the Frenchman would thrive once Nemanja Matic took care of Pogba’s more irksome defensive duties.

And, for once, that wisdom has proved bang on, as the world’s second most expensive player by some distance can testify.

“Against West Ham, Matic was starting behind and I could worry more about attacking. I feel good playing that way, but it depends on what the manager wants.”

So Mourinho’s happy, Pogba’s happy, Rashfaku’s happy…that just leaves Henrikh Mkhitaryan, the one many ignored in favour of his more high-profile French team-mate when the matter of cover in United’s midfield needed to be addressed.

The Armenian’s ownershp base has close to doubled since he put on an 11-point show against the Hammers, but is he happy?

“I prefer to play as a No.10 but if the manager thinks I’m helpful for the team playing on the wings I am happy to play on the wings. It doesn’t matter.”

Yep, from Rashfaku all the way through to Pogbataryan, everyone’s happy at United.

For Sead’s A Jolly Big Fellow

“Honestly, he is an absolute animal. He’s incredible. I see him in the gym every day, you can just tell he looks after himself well, he eats the right food and he’s professional. You can see the power he’s got when he’s got the ball, his pace and everything. It’s beautiful to watch and he’s a great addition to the squad.”

Well, it sounds like somebody’s fallen for new Arsenal defender/American-style double-door fridge Sead Kolasinac.

The Bosnian big unit has clearly impressed Theo Walcott from the get-go, with 13.6% of FPL managers not far behind, if slightly less gushy.

Arsenal might have conceded three against Leicester City on Sky Sports Phenomenal First-Day Friday, but Kolasinac still emerged with five points from an assist and bonus courtesy of an all-action Emirates debut.

He fired in one attempt (it was on target), had four penalty area touches, created one big chance, put in two crosses and completed 36 passes in the opponents’ half (only four team-mates managed more) – and all from centre-half.

When he could be bothered to defend, he managed a modest four clearances, blocks and interceptions, a rather more respectable seven recoveries and a team-leading four tackles, all of which were successful.

Small wonder that he bagged a bonus despite conceding three goals. And should Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain depart for Chelsea – the rumours have been quite consistent – Kolasinac would almost certainly take the Englishman’s left wing-back position to add to his already large potential.

Now you can see why Theo’s so fulsome in his praise.

“Trust me he’s not easy to get around – he’s quite wide as well.”

Theo’s talking about training now, in case you were wondering.

“He fits perfectly for the Premier League, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s going to show something different, I’ve seen glimpses of him in pre-season and he’s going to get fitter, stronger and quicker. This league is the best and I think he could be one of the best in this league.”

Nearly 47,000 FPL new managers have bought into the hype this week, despite Arsenal’s immediate fixtures being a mixed bag – three away matches at Stoke City, Liverpool and Chelsea and a home clash with Bournemouth.

Looking longer-term, another tough run involving Everton and Man City away and Spurs at the Emirates will sandwich the November international break.

Arsene Wenger doesn’t seem concerned about his new man’s ability to fit in now, or in the future.

“In the Premier League power plays a part, but it’s not only that. I also took him because of his attitude. The modern game doesn’t tolerate many weaknesses any more. It’s always a combination of talent and attitude.”

But he’s not going to go all Theo on the Kolassus.

“He looks to me like he has good talent but also a very strong and determined attitude, supported by a strong body.”

Well, not as much anyway.

But if Sead looks like he could eat you out of house, home and the local McDonald’s, where does that put him on Wenger’s newly-invented ‘Hunger Index’?

Yep, ‘Hunger Index’. Which is, it turns out, Arsene’s way of trying to justify the large number of his players who end up running down their contracts at Arsenal before buggering off for free.

This season’s most likely starvation ‘victim’ is Alexis Sanchez, who also happened to be last season’s main meal ticket for FPL managers. He’s currently out of action, officially at least, due to a strangely appropriate ‘abdominal injury’, presumably caused by all those gut-wrenching hunger pangs.

Wenger says:

“I personally think the real question we have to answer is does the hunger index increase or decrease when you have a short contract or a long contract?”

The real answer, you would think, would be short contract = minimal hunger due to all the the other restaurants inviting you in to try their menus.

“I would on that front be on the opposite side. That means the hunger index is higher when the contracts are shorter and it decreases naturally when the guys have long contracts.”

If you say so, Arsene.

A third reading of the situation – that there is no ‘hunger index’, just ‘woeful contract mis-management’ – is also available.

But in the meantime, let’s just remind ourselves that more than 126,000 FPL managers have spent 12.0 to watch Sanchez clutching at his abdomen while eyeing up the gastronomical wonders of Paris and, erm, Manchester.

To think of the riches the rest of us could feed on with that kind of money…

Rotating Knives Out At Spin City

From the hypnotic kebab house spit of a Saturday night to Linda Blair’s head in The Exorcist, rotation has always provoked a certain queasy fascination.

And in Pep Guardiola, we have one of the masters of this darkest of arts.

Off the top of my head, the Man City manager used 11,253 players last season, nearly all of them out of position and only one of them – the now departed Jesus Navas – in defence.

But after an ordered and increasingly impressive pre-season, Pep has decided that using specialist players in a settled backline is The Way Forward.

As a result, Nicolas Otamendi, Vincent Kompany and John Stones, complemented by wing-backs, started and looked secure in a five-man defence that kept a clean sheet at Brighton last Saturday evening.

‘Oh brave new world that has such people in’t!’, as Not Craig Shakespeare once wrote.

But this is Pep. And Pep will change.

“Sometimes we will play with four, sometimes with five. It will depend on the quality of the players and we have a lot of talent in the middle. We will see. But I want to continue with that system, with almost the same players what we did in the last three games in the pre-season. We were stable.”

The aforementioned trio, plus new wing-back Danilo (4.8%) have sufficiently sizeable FPL ownership for Pep’s words to inspire the usual feelings of exasperation and the start of a search for alternatives from other teams who are actually guaranteed consistent pitch-time.

Kyle Walker’s massive 22.7% ownership merely adds a lot of extra weight to that sorry situation.

But the ‘almost the same players’ comment is the one crumb of comfort for us.

Assuming that Guardiola means to include Benjamin Mendy, who spent the summer being injured, in his plans, maybe we actually have confirmation that there will be a generally predictable pattern to the spinning Spaniard’s selection policy this season.

In either a four or a five, there will be at least two centre-halves, so that narrows the omission odds for starters.

And if we surmise that Leroy Sane is included in Pep’s wing-back thinking – he was, after all, one of ‘the same players’ who was involved in the last three pre-season matches – then that makes three specialist full-backs in contention for two places in a back four, and a quartet in line for the two wide roles in a back five.

It still means doubt and a notable lack of 100% attendance records available, but nobody – absolutely nobody – plays every league match under Guardiola, so it’s about as good as you’re going to get with a man so keen on change.

And it could be worse.

Should he continue with both Sergio Aguero and Gabriel Jesus up front in a 3-5-2 formation, that leaves just three specialist midfield spots open to at least eight potential regular starters.

“All of them are going to play. Last season, maybe you realise, I rotated a lot of the team and that is going to happen again.”

Unless ‘all of them’ should be taken literally and Pep is going to start playing the likes of David Silva at centre-half, the rotation in the City midfield this season is going to be of epic proportions.

And there’s nothing we can do about it.

That could be bad news for the 29.1% of us who’ve buried 10.0 in Kevin De Bruyne, although with 33 starts last season he remains as close to nailed-on as anyone can be for a manager who clearly prefers Sellotape or a splash of glue.

City ended pre-season and started the real thing looking mighty impressive. Their players will provide us with points. Lots of points.

Working out how to maximise them while avoiding owning expensive assets who end up being carted off by the Auto-Sub every other week looks like being one of the biggest challenges we’ll face this season.

Good luck – we’re going to need it.

Mo Problem?

Would the 27.2% of managers on Liverpool’s most popular player, Mo Salah, please look away now.

Jurgen Klopp revealed that his new winger struggled in the first-half on Saturday lunchtime. The Egyptian’s personal Kryptonite? Watford’s Jose Holebas – a man who had more bookings (14) last year than Celine Dion at Vegas.

“In the beginning everyone could see he struggled a bit against Holebas, a really strong man, he was a little bit too much on the wing, things like this.”

Should we be worried? Is Holebas that good? The answer to both questions is ‘no’.

“We spoke about it at half-time and second half was much better. We need offence in behind with the speed, not all the time but if we can do it in another space then it’s easier for us to play football there. So yes, I am fine with his contribution.”

Salah went on to bag a mighty impressive 11 points from a goal, an assist and bonus. And he’s up against Crystal Palace next.

But if the winger is going to potentially struggle when faced with the physical challenge of a Jose Holebas, how’s he going to manage Liverpool’s schedule should they qualify, as expected, for the group stages of the Champions League, when fatigue will become a factor as well?

Salah’s many managers might be wise to keep a watchful eye on their man when European football really kicks in.

And more pressingly, the week after the Palace match, he’ll face Arsenal and their Bosnian behemoth Sead Kolasinac. If he thought Holebas was physical…