FFS UEFA Beach Soccer Tournament 2013

The press has assembled at Budokan hall once again. It should be noted that a number of the members of the press are currently picking golden glitter and confetti out of their hair. As we look towards the door, we see that Gareth Barry’s job for the night is to glitterbomb the audience from the balcony overhead. The press has not yet endeared themselves to this, as glitter has lived up to its reputation as the herpes of the craft world. What is truly impressive is how much glitter Mr. Barry seems to have up there.

Before the press has fully brought to fruition their plan to climb up to the balcony and remove Gareth Barry from his perch, out comes the man who once said he would knock United right off the same, “the Illner” James Milner for the introduction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpnvI1wzc9Y

“Ladies and Gentleman….”

Here comes the Money…….

“I said Ladies and Gentlemen….”

Here we go…..Here comes the Money…..

“The Illner just said Ladies and Gentleman…..”

Money, Money, Money, Money Money

“Please welcome the man behind money, the Japanager himself…..”

ROBERTO NEWMANCINI!

The music suddenly change to Newmancini’s new “Rainmaker theme”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBY_ZkjrKZc

Gareth barry has lost his damn mind, hurling bucket after bucket of glitter over the balcony to the angered mob of reporters below. Newmancini arrives again, the sumo Ginko leaf hairstyle still intact in his disgusting gray hair. As he approaches the podium, he drops his golden entrance robe to the floor, and underneath is an immaculate gray suit with a red and white scarf extending to his ankles, Tom Baker style. Newmancini smiles in a way you might not expect from a man who just faced defeat.

Newmancini takes his seat, and adjusts his tie. The photographers who are not attempting to catch/kill Gareth Barry begin to take pictures of Newman-cini. The Japanager begins to speak, his raspy Italian voice shattering the silence like a hiccup at a funeral.

“Ze Japanger eez heere……With-a this to zay; wee are not shaken. Beefore any of your reporterz question-a me of how sad-a I am over our defeat at ze hands of ze dutch…..SHUT UP-A Your Face!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJLEXgkddPQ

(This has been your Italian Stereotype Moment of the Night….presented by Fazoli’s Family Restaurants)

“Reason-a we lost number one: Ze Dutch demanded zat ze match-a would be played on a dutch beach. As a result, my team-a had to run-a around in-a disgusting dutch muck! Do-a you KNOW what zeez people do on their beaches? I mean, when zey are sober enough to leave ze clubs and ze brothelz? My Italian heart does-a not have the gumption to even zay it!“

“Reason-a we lost number two: Oranje-a is an unfair color. Dutch beaches, az-a you well know, are alzo orange, form the color of all of their citizens puking on ze beach after their-a nightly benders. Zere uniforms blended right in, rendering zem inveezable to ze human eye! In Japan zis would-a not happened. Our Beaches are beautifully unstained by ze puke of Amsterdam Vomit.”

“Reason-a we lost number three: It’s a friendly….who-a carez?”

“Zere…..now you have-a your reasons. I cannot imagine any of you even need-a to ask any quesitonz after zuch a perfect statement. Luckily-a for you….Ze Japanager is a merziful emperor. So I will-a now take-a ze queztions. “

An elderly Japanese reporter stands from his chair: “Japanager, what did you learn about your team from this friendly, especially considering the underwhelming performances of Rumplestilskin, ‘the lurking legend’ KenCamm, and your captain, Ryan?”

“I have already went over my three reasons for our dizzapointment: Bad sand, camoflouged kits, only a friendly….what-a else do you need?”

“But surely you have a comment on……blergh”

The elderly Japanese reporter his been swiftly kicked by a masked ninja attacker. The reporters gasp in shock as their fellow professional bleeds out on the floor, holding his now-collapsed trachea.

“Zank you, random-a ninja, you may unmask now.”

The ninja pulls off his cowell to reveal: the original ninja himself……Nigel De Jong!

“Press, meet Nigel, Nigel…Ze press”

Nigel De Jong smiles, and as he does, spiders crawl from between his teeth.

A bewildered reporter turns back to the Japanager, raising a hand.

“I have a question, Japanager…how many current and former Manchester City players are still under your payroll? There are three in this room already and….gleeeeesh.”

A swift roundhouse kick to the teeth from De Jong renders the reporter crying into his hands.

“Enough irrelevant questions: I will now only-a take queztions on this weekend’s match with…..how do you even say zis coontry’s name? I’m just going to guess: Coat of Divorce, that’s the name of the country now.”

A female announcer sheepishly raises a hand. When she does, De Jong glares at her, as if advising her to tread lightly.

“Japanager…..thoughts on the matchup this weekend with the Ivory Co…..”

De Jong growls.

“Um, I mean, this weekend’s matches with….the Coat of Divorce?”

Newman-cini smiles.

“I thought-a you’d never ask. Here, have a twinkie.”

De Jong pulls a twinkie from God knows where and tosses it to the female reporter.

“One only need-a look at last weekends friendly to zee zat had we played Coat of Divorce last week, we would have beaten them by a handy margin.”

“What do you mean?” Interrupts a reporter. “you only outscored them by a single poi……aaaaah.”

The reporter is immediately beheaded by De Long’s Pectoral muscles alone.

“Like-a I said” continues the Japanager “a handy margin. All I know about Coat of Divorce is that Yaya is from there, and az yaya is-a too busy ruining the hopes and dreamz of all fantasy managers on this-a website, he will not be competing. No Yaya, no victory for the Divorce Court.”

“Any potential changes to your team in response to a less-than ideal result?” Asks a daringly brave female reporter.

De Jong takes a step towards her…..

“ No no, Nigel. I weel show her mercy.”

“Hrumph,” says Nigel.

“Rumplestilskin is still wet behind the ears. But zat is mostly because we used water torture to punish him for his-a horrible zcore and utterly unnezzezzary last minute-a point hit. Sadly, gareth Barry was doing he torture, so it was-a done incorrectly. Long-term, we-a know hiz enthusiasm will-a do us well.”

“Kencamm iz-a nothing short of a genius. A Hall of Fame Legend. Legends are aloud to have-a off weeks, especially when eet eez a friendly.”

“Az-a for Ryan….he eez a leader, and leaderz always lose on purpose in friendliez. Eet is a fact! I am not worried at all.”

“Zo, to answer your question…..it is a firm, 100% assured….maybe.”

“Are Zere any other-a Questions? And please remember, De Jong is watching.”

***SENEGOAL PRESS CONFERENCE***

We are live at the Waterfront Esplanade , in Papeete, Tahiti with team manager Christina.

Reporter : Christina, any surprises in your team selection?

Christina: Not really, although some might see the benching of FORCA as a bit of a surprise. It should be seen as a reminder to the other teams how strong this Senegoal team is.

Reporter : Christina, can you confirm the starting line up?

Christina: Out of the team drops last weeks worst performers, FORCA and Champ. They are replaced by Beric and Canadian Football. Myself and Snakejuice will hopefully get a run out on the sand once we reach the later stages of the tournament.

Reporter : Any last minute preparations for Senegoal?

Christina: Yes, we are heading down to Vaiete Square on Papeete's waterfront to one of the mobile restaurants, where we will have a waffle eating competition.

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQpSYTQn4tV2OnUBiWWx8qKSqaVQ4LnuCWCS0pG6gPn7bVYFa3kcg

Reporter: Any player you fear in the Ukrainian team?

Christina: Not at all. We bumped into Granville on the beach.

http://www.bangersandnash.com/wp-content/uploads/imagetmp/nashweekend/leg-cast-beach.jpg

The fact that Mark's fitness has taken a back seat since getting engaged does not bode well for them. It seems he is more interested in "sofa soccer" then beach soccer at the moment. It really could not have come at a worst time for Ukraine.

Reporter: Good luck Christina, and may the best team win.

Christina: Thanks, we will.